Turn on, tune in, and drop out of the audience quietly to see if you can get your money back

LUCY

Lucy is a movie that uses only 10% of its cinematic capacity, and I've graded it accordingly.

Written and directed by Luc Besson
With Scarlett Johansson (Lucy), Min-Sik Choi (Chiang), Amr Waked (Pierre Del Rio), and Morgan Freeman (Prof. Morgan Freeman)

Spoiler alert: mild

Cardboard Science: Twisted Eden

The Cardboard Science series intends to be a catalog of the science fiction of the past, today.  Science errors will be mocked.  20th century mores will be challenged.  Glories will be recorded.  Films will be, as usual, reviewed.

FORBIDDEN PLANET

The standard by which all space opera is judged, and I doubt I could love it more even if Anne Francis were wearing fewer clothes than she already is.

1956
Directed by Fred Wilcox
Written by Cyril Hume, Irving Block, and Allen Adler (based on The Tempest by William Shakespeare)
With Leslie Nielsen (Commander Adams), Walter Pidgeon (Dr. Morbius), Anne Francis (Altaira), Warren Stevens ("Doc" Ostrow), Jack Kelly (Lt. Farman), Earl Holliman (Cooky), and Robby the Robot (himself) (huh?)

Spoiler alert: severe
Content warning: I do cuss a lot in this one, but the main thing to warn you about is that it's excruciatingly long.  Cardboard Science was conceived as something I could do on the fly, because I'd be mostly discussing B-movies that were barely made at all, and I'm sure that's how it will be as the usual case.  But if we must begin with Forbidden Planet, and I'm afraid we must, the effort must be taken quite seriously.  On the plus side, there are a lot of juvenile jokes, and I split it up into parts so you can quit reading and never return to it.

Like, zoinks, Herc!

HERCULES

Just how many bad sword and sandal movies can there be in one year?  Well, let's see how Ridley Scott does with Exodus before we count.

2014
Directed by Brett Ratner
Written by Ryan Condal and Evan Spiliotopolous (based on the comic, but not the one you've ever heard of, by Steve Moore)
With Dwayne Johnson (Hercules), Rufus Sewell (Autolycus), Ian McShane (Amphiaraus), Ingrid Berdal (Atalanta), Aksel Hennie (Tydeus), Recce Ritche (Iolaus), John Hurt (Lord Cotys), and Joseph Fiennes (Eurystheus)

Spoiler alert: moderate

I don't care to join any sexual orientation that would have me as a member

VICTIM

A groundbreaking mid-century treatment of oppressed homosexuality that would be all the more impressive in 2014 if it had used it as the thriller maguffin it so very much wants to be, rather than as the subject of far too many Star Trek: The Next Generation speeches, and without a Patrick Stewart anywhere in sight.

1961
Directed by Basil Dearden
Written by Janet Green and John McCormick
With Dirk Bogarde (Melville Farr), Peter McEnry (Jack "Boy" Barrett), and Sylvia Syms (Laura Farr)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Chinese finger cuffs

DESIGN FOR LIVING

Daring, unconventional, and full of light and life, Design For Living might just be my favorite romantic comedy.

1933
Directed by Ernst Lubitsch
Written by Ben Hecht ("based" on the play by Noel Coward)
With Miriam Hopkins (Gilda Farrel), Gary Cooper (George Curtis), Fredric March (Tom Chambers), and Edward Everett Horton (Max Plunkett)

Spoiler alert: severe

I was never a sex criminal in Texas

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Pain & Gain this is not, but I've seen worse backsliding in my day.  Transformers: Age of Extinction exists, and I would describe no individual stretch of the picture as unpleasant.  However, faint pleasure, experienced for a truly bludgeoning one hundred and sixty-five minutes, does not a gold-plated recommendation make.

2014
Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Ehren Kruger
With Mark Wahlberg (Cade Yeager) (lol), Nicola Peltz (Tessa Yeager), Jack Reynor (Shane Dyson), Kelsey Grammer (Harold Attinger), Stanley Tucci (Joshua Joyce), Bingbing Li (Su Yueming), Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime), Frank Welker (Galvatron), John Goodman (Hound), Ken Watanabe (Drift), John DiMaggio (Crosshairs), and Mark Ryan (Lockdown)

Spoiler alert: moderate

How about a nice game of Galaga?

WARGAMES

A great thriller that has a lot of trouble concealing its controversial political agenda.

1983
Directed by John Badham
Written by Lawrence Lasker, Walter Parkes, and Walon Green
With Matthew Broderick (David), Ally Sheedy (Jennifer), Dabney Coleman (Dr. McKittrick), and John Wood (Prof. Falken)

Spoiler alert: severe