This is the story of the hurricane

SNAKE EYES

1998

Directed by Brian De Palma

Written by David Koepp and Brian De Palma

Spoilers: high, sort of

Walt Disney, part LII: The buck bounds here and there, whilst the doe has narrow eyes, but when the two hares run side by side, how can you tell the female from the male?

MULAN

1998

Directed by Barry Cook and Tony Bancroft

Written by Rita Hsaio, Chris Sanders, Philip LaZebnik, Raymond Singer, Eugenia Bostwick-Singer, and Robert D. San Souci

Spoilers: high

I love college. I love everything about it.

DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS

1998

Directed by Alan Cohn

Written by Anthony Abrams, Adam Larson Broder, Michael Traeger, and Mike White

Spoilers: moderate

Darren Aronofsky, part I: Irrational constant

π

Darren Aronfsky smashes his way onto the scene with one thunderously energetic debut, pondering the "nature of genius" in an almost-offensively schematic way, but really only using that as a blind to get to the heart of the human endeavor—and the way that the thing that makes us the masters of our world can become, without us even realizing it, the thing that drives us mad.

1998

Directed by Darren Aronofsky

Written by Sean Gullette, Eric Watson, and Darren Aronofsky

With Sean Gullette (Maximillian Cohen), Mark Margolis (Sol Robeson), Samia Shoaib (Devi), Pamela Hart (Marcy Dawson), Ben Shenkman (Lenny Meyer), and Stephen Pearlman (Rebbe Cohen)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Joe Dante, part XII: Real American heroes

SMALL SOLDIERS

Kids love social commentary, right?  Maybe not, but that doesn't mean we can't, while still appreciating Small Soldiers' finer points, like its comedy, its violence, its comedic violence, and (especially) its swerves into bona fide, no-kidding horror.

1998

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Gavin Scott, Adam Rifkin, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, and Anne Spielberg

With Gregory Smith (Alan Abernathy), Kirsten Dunst (Christy Fimple), Phil Hartman (Phil Fimple), Wendy Schaal (Marion Fimple), Dick Miller (Joe), David Cross (Irwin Wayfair), Jay Mohr (Larry Benson), Robert Picardo (Ralph Quist), Dennis Leary (Gil Mars), Frank Langella (Archer), and Tommy Lee Jones (Chip Hazard)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXIV: D-Day Plus 26,051

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN

I said to myself, "Self, let's not focus on the opening 21 minute battle sequence, because everyone else has already done that."  So, go ahead and just guess what the first thousand words are about.

1998

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Robert Rodat

With Tom Hanks (Capt. Miller), Tom Sizemore (Sgt. Horvath), Edward Burns (Pvt. Reiben), Barry Pepper (Pvt. Jackson), Adam Goldberg (Pvt. Mellish), Vin Diesel (Pvt. Caparzo), Giovanni Ribisi (T/4 Medic Wade), Jeremy Davies (Cpl. Upham), Dennis Farina (Lt. Col. Anderson), Paul Giamatti (Sgt. Hill), Ted Danson (Capt. Hamill), Jeorg Stadler ("Steamboat Willie"), Nathan Fillion (Pvt. James F. Ryan of Minnesota), and Matt Damon (Pvt. James F. Ryan of Iowa)

Spoiler alert: high

John Carpenter, part XXV: Did you get any wood? Huh? You get a little mahagony from that little ebony?

VAMPIRES

The one Carpenter film I hadn't seen yet turns out to not be the diamond in the rough I had hoped.  And, as you know, Late Period Carpenter is very rough indeed.

1998

Directed by John Carpenter

Written Dan Jakoby (based on the novel by John Steakley)

With James Woods (Jack Crow), Daniel Baldwin (Anthony Montoya), Tim Guinee (Father Adam Guiteau), Sheryl Lee (Katrina), Maximilian Schell (Cardinal Alba), and Thomas Ian Griffith (Jan Valek)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Have you been a good boy or girl this year, and would you be mad if I told you that it matters a lot less than you think?

THE PRINCE OF EGYPT

Happy holidays, Judeo-Christians!  This was supposed to go up Christmas Day, but you know how it is.  Well, if you're from the "Judeo" part of that association, you don't, and this one's more for you, anyhow.

1998
Directed by Brenda Chapman, Steve Hickner, and Simon Wells
Written by Philip LaZebnik and Nicholas Meyer
With Val Kilmer (Moses), Michelle Pfeiffer (Tziporrah), Sandra Bullock (Miriam), Jeff Goldblum (Aaron), Danny Glover (Jethro), Patrick Stewart (Pharaoh Seti I), Ralph Fiennes (Pharaoh Rameses II), and Val Kilmer (YHWH)

Spoiler alert: he lets his people go

Dispassionately and exactingly ranking the films of Christopher Nolan by their utilitarian value, nos. 9-7

The Internet asks, "Is Christopher Nolan the greatest director alive?"  And the answer is, "No, of course he's not.  Are you high?"  But if the question were, instead, "Is Chris Nolan the most consistently excellent director working today?", there are nine films to consider, and the answer might be quite different.  (Okay, the point is, I marathoned his movies, and now you're just going to have to deal with it.)

Spoiler alert: well, I don't spoil Interstellar, anyway