I'm not even ovulating, you idiot

DON'T BREATHE

Close to ideal for what it aims to be, most of the issues that Don't Breathe has comes from writing itself into a corner, then writing itself out with a sticky keyboard.  And let's call them issues, because "problems" might overstate the matter, simply because this movie's so nuts, and I'm terribly loath to condemn a preposterous thriller like this just for going nuts.  As for the rest of it, outside of one or two annoying characters and a yawning gap or two in its premise—hey, did you not see those two words, "preposterous thriller"?—but other than that, well.  It's damn near unimpeachable.

2016

Directed by Fede Alvarez

Written by Rodo Sayagues and Fede Alvarez

With Jane Levy (Rocky), Dylan Minnette (Alex), Daniel Zovatto (Money), and Stephen Lang (The Blind Man)

Spoiler alert: moderate? high?

A shocker on shock street

GOOSEBUMPS

Zippy and weird, Goosebumps is every bit as great as you could ever hope a family-friendly horror-comedy based on 62 individual books to possibly be—and, heck, now that I spell it out like that, I suppose it's actually even better.

2015

Directed by Rob Letterman

Written by Darren Lemke, Scott Alexander, and Larry Karaszewski (based on the books by R.L. Stine)

With Dylan Minnette (Zach), Amy Smart (Gale), Jillian Bell (Lorraine), Odeya Rush (Hannah), Ryan Lee (Champion), and Jack Black (R.L. Stine)

Spoiler alert: moderate, bordering on high