Why does the black bird gotta be the slave?

MALEFICENT

Despite a powerfully good first act, Maleficent ultimately collapses into a gutless retcon that possesses little of Sleeping Beauty's native charm, elevated to watchability solely by the presence of Angelina Jolie in the titular role.

2014
Directed by Robert Stromberg
Written by Linda Woolverton, stepping on the work of at least eight other people
With Angelina Jolie (Maleficent), Sharlto Copley (Stefan), and Elle Fanning (Aurora)

Spoiler alert: severe (but you would see it coming anyway)

The new movie with my favorite superhero is out! Also starring his son Quicksilver

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

Future perfect.  [Insert equally dumbassed X-pun here.]

2014
Directed by Bryan Singer
Written by Simon Kinberg, Jane Goldman, and Matthew Vaughn
With Michael Fassbender (Magneto), Ian McKellan (Magneto), James McAvoy (Professor X), Patrick Stewart (Professor X), Hugh Jackman (Wolverine), Nicholas Hoult (Beast), Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique), Peter Dinklage (Bolivar Trask), and Evan Peters (Quicksilver)

Spoiler alert: moderate

We've been eating Gamera, part V: "Don't you believe in spaceships and spacemen?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GUIRON
(Gamera tai daikaiju Giron)

If anything even more childish than our previous outing, Guiron remains a pretty fun piece of pop cultural flotsam.

1969
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Nobuhiro Kajima (Akio), Christopher Murphy (Tom), Miyuki Akiyama (Tomoko), Kon Omura (Officer Kondo), Hiroko Kai (Barbella), Reiko Kasahara (Florbella)

Spoiler alert: high

Destroy all actors

GODZILLA

If you come in an hour late, you'll understand the movie just as much, and you may enjoy it more.  Otherwise, brace for a certain degree of boredom before Godzilla actually gets to anything you might have come to a Godzilla movie to see—but what sights they are.

2014
Directed by Gareth Edwards
Written by Max Borenstein and Dave Callaham
With Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Ford Brody), Ken Watanabe (Dr. Ichiro Serizawa), Sally Hawkins (Vivien Graham), Elizabeth Olsen (Elle Brody), Juliette Binoche (Sandra Brody), and Bryan Cranston (Joe Brody)

Spoiler alert: high (I think it's moderate, but reasonable minds may differ)

We've been eating Gamera, part IV: The film that makes you ask, "Did I have a stroke? Did I die?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. VIRAS
(Gamera Tai Uchu Kaiju Bairasu)

The most inutterably insane Gamera film of them all, it may be far from the turtle's best, but it is truly his single most essential.  It is not only so bad it's good, it is so fucked-up it's mind-altering.  No B-movie education can be called complete without reference to Gamera vs. Viras.

1968
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Toru Taktsuka (Kenny Masao), Carl Craig (Kenny? Jim), Kojiro Hongo (Scoutmaster Shimida), and Genzo Wakayama (The Voice of Boss)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part III: Tempted by the red mist

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GAOS
(Daikaiju kuchusen: Gamera tai Gyaosu)

This is the turning point.  Gamera vs. Gaos brings it all: spectacular high-camp science fantasy; the franchise's most iconic foemonster; a new, improved Kenny; and a novel emphasis upon Gamera as the hero of his own movies.  But most importantly, it brings Noriaki Yuasa and Nisan Takahashi back to full control of their monster's destiny.  This is the definitive entry in the Showa series.

1967
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Naoyuki Abe (Kenny Eiichi Kanamura), Kojiro Hongo (Shiro Tsutsumi), Kichijiro Ueda (Tatsuemon Kanamura), Reiko Kasahara (Sumiko Kanamura), and Yoshiro Katahara (Dr. Aoki)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part II: That rainbow's bright

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. BARUGON
(Daikaiju ketto: Gamera tai Barugon)

The first Gamera sequel demonstrates Noriaki Yuasa's growing competence in the special effects genre; to our regret, however, he only directed about a third of it.  The rest is credited to someone who had never made a monster movie before and, for reasons that will become clear, would never make another one again.

1966
Directed by Shigeo Tanaka
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Kojiro Hongo (Keisuke Hirata), Kyoko Anami (Karen), Koji Fujiyama (Onodera), Akira Natsuki (Ichiro Hirata), Yuzo Hawakawa (Kawajiri), and Teruo Aragaki (Gamera)

Spoiler alert: high