And the sixth element, it turns out, is poop

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

The Death of Story continues, but Valerian offers more than story.  It gives us a heaping helping of gorgeously wonderful (and gloriously stupid) visuals, too.  You can call it good, if you want to; but it's sort of beyond that type of categorization.

2017

Written and directed by Luc Besson

With Dane DeHaan (Valerian), Cara Delevingne (Laureline), Sasha Luss (Princess Liho-Minaa), Rihanna (Bubble), Ethan Hawke (Jolly the Pimp), John Goodman (Igon Siruss), and Clive Owen (Commander Arun Filitt)

Spoiler alert: moderate

A presence I've not felt since...

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Wow, it really has been a good year for Disney, hasn't it?

2016

Directed by Gareth Edwards

Written by Chris Weitz, Tony Gilroy, John Knoll, and Gary Whitta

With Felicity Jones (Jyn Erso), Diego Luna (Cassian Andor), Alan Tudyk (K-2SO), Donnie Yen (Chirrut Imwe), Wen Jiang (Baze Malbus), Riz Ahmed (Bodhi Rook), Forest Whitaker (Saw Gerrera), Mads Mikkelsen (Galen Erso), Ben Mendelsohn (Orson Krennic), James Earl Jones (Darth Vader), and the Estate of Peter Cushing (Grand Moff Tarkin)

Spoiler alert: high

There is a place where dreams survive

THE TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE

It's my birthday, and I can indulge if I want to.

1986

Directed by Nelson Shin

Written by Ron Friedman and Flint Dille

With Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime), Judd Nelson (Hot Rod), Lionel Stander (Kup), Robert Stack (Ultra Magnus), Neil Ross (Springer), Susan Blu (Arcee), John Moschitta, Jr. (Blurr), Gregg Berger (Grimlock), Eric Idle (Wreck-Gar), Frank Welker (Megatron), Chris Latta (Starscream), Frank Welker (Soundwave), Leonard Nimoy (Galvatron), Frank Welker (Wheelie), and Orson Welles (Unicron)

Spoiler alert: high

You probably didn't recognize me because of the red arm

STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS

If history's taught us anything, it's that it takes years for us to be able tell whether a new Star Wars movie is any good.  So, in this spirit of deep ambivalence, I offer a mostly negative review, then give it a positive score.

2015

Directed by J.J. Abrams

Written by Michael Arndt, Lawrence Kasdan, and J.J. Abrams

With Daisy Ridley (Rey), John Boyega (Finn), Oscar Isaac (Poe Dameron), Harrison Ford (Han Solo), Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca), Carrie Fisher (Gen. Leia Organa), Andy Serkis (Supreme Leader Snoke), Domnhall Gleeson (Gen. Nux), and Adam Driver (Kylo Ren)

Spoiler alert: moderate, high, severe? you've seen it already anyway, so you be the judge

Party on, dudes

BILL & TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY

Station.

1991

Directed by Peter Hewitt

Written by Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon

With Keanu Reeves (Ted "Theodore" Logan/Evil Ted), Alex Winter (Bill S. Preston, Esq./Evil Bill/Granny S. Preston, Esq.), William Sadler (Death), Ed Gale/Arturo Gil/Tom Alland/Neil Ross (Station), Annette Azcuy (Princess Elizabeth), Sarah Trigger (Princess Joanna), J. Patrick McNamara (Mr. Preston), Hal Landon Jr. (Capt. Logan), Amy Stoch (Missy Logan), Pam Grier (Mrs. Wardroe), Jim Martin (Sir James Martin), George Carlin (Rufus), and Joss Ackland (De Nomolos)

Spoiler alert: high, though once again the Bill and Ted franchise really is a snake eating its own tail

John Carpenter, part XVI: Party like it's the year one nine nine nine

PRINCE OF DARKNESS

If only all movies about the Devil could be made with this much obvious joy.

1987

Written and directed by John Carpenter

With Victor Wong (Prof. Birack), Donald Pleasence (Father Loomis), Jameson Parker (Brian), Dennis Dun (Walter), Lisa Blount (Catherine), Anne Marie Howard (Susan), Ann Yen (Lisa), Jesse Lawrence Ferguson (Calder), Dirk Blocker (Mullins), Ken Wright (Lomax), Robert Grasmere (Frank), Thom Bray (Etchison), Peter Jason (Dr. Paul Leahy), Joanna Merlin (The Bag Lady) Alice Cooper (The Street Schizo), and Susan Blanchard (Kelly, and latterly Satan, Son of the Anti-God)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part X: What the Samhain is going on in here?!

HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

Only in the 1980s.  Or, to be fair, on one of the sillier episodes of The X-Files.  But either way, I adore it.

1982

Directed by Tommy Lee Wallace

Written by Tommy Lee Wallace, Nigel Kneale, and John Carpenter

With Tom Atkins (Dr. Daniel Challis), Stacey Nelkin (Ellie Grimbridge), Al Berry (Harry Grimbridge), Dick Warlock (The Assassin), and Dan O'Herlihy (Conal Cochran)

Spoiler alert: oh, man, I've gotta go severe on this bad boy

The object is remarkable for an enormous persistent anticyclonic storm, swirling about the low-pressure zone at its center

JUPITER ASCENDING

Good or bad, I knew it would be weird.  What I couldn't have known was that the Wachowskis' weird could be so boring.

2015
Written and directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski
With Mila Kunis (Jupiter Jones), Channing Tatum (Caine Wise), Eddie Redmayne (Balem Abrasax), Tuppence Middleton (Kalique Abrasax), and Douglas Booth (Titus Abrasax)

Spoiler alert: mild

Cold milk

SPEED RACER

Basically, Speed Racer is everything David Cronenberg didn't get to in Crash.

2008
Written and directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski (based on the cartoon by Tatuso Yoshida)
With Emile Hirsch (Speed Racer), Matthew Fox (Racer X), Christina Ricci (Trixie Shimura), Rain (Teijo Togakhan), John Goodman (Pops Racer), Susan Sarandon (Mom Racer), Paulie Litt (Spritle Racer), Scott Porter (Rex Racer), Willy and Kenzie (Chim Chim), Kick Gurry (Sparky), Benno Furmann (Inspector Detector), and Roger Allam (E.P. Arnold Royalton)

Spoiler alert: moderate

The perfect system

TRON: LEGACY

And for Boxing Day, a present to myself.

2010
Directed by Joseph Kosinski
Written by Edward Kitsis, Adam Horowitz, Brian Klugman, Lee Sternthal, and probably your mom, given the story fragments evident in the final motion picture, but let's say "a lot of people who deserve varying degrees of praise and scorn"
With Jeff Bridges (Kevin Flynn), Garrett Hedlund (Sam Flynn), Olivia Wilde (Quorra), Michael Sheen (Castor), Bruce Boxleitner (Alan Bradley), Anis Cheurfa (Rinzler), and Jeff Bridges/John Reardon (Clu)

Spoiler alert: high

Chris Pratt and the Infinity Watch

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Great space opera, by the skin of its stupid, laughing, grinning teeth.

2014
Directed by James Gunn
Written by James Gunn and Nicole Perlman (based on the comic by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning)
With Chris Pratt (Peter "Starlord" Quill), Zoe Saldana (Gamora), Vin Diesel (Groot), Bradley Cooper (Rocket), Dave Bautista (Drax the Destroyer), Lee Pace (Ronan the Accuser), Karen Gillan (Nebula), Josh Brolin (Thanos), and Benicio Del Toro (The Collector, whom a reasonable person would have believed would have been in the movie more, but gosh if he ain't great)

Spoiler alert: moderate

I was never a sex criminal in Texas

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Pain & Gain this is not, but I've seen worse backsliding in my day.  Transformers: Age of Extinction exists, and I would describe no individual stretch of the picture as unpleasant.  However, faint pleasure, experienced for a truly bludgeoning one hundred and sixty-five minutes, does not a gold-plated recommendation make.

2014
Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Ehren Kruger
With Mark Wahlberg (Cade Yeager) (lol), Nicola Peltz (Tessa Yeager), Jack Reynor (Shane Dyson), Kelsey Grammer (Harold Attinger), Stanley Tucci (Joshua Joyce), Bingbing Li (Su Yueming), Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime), Frank Welker (Galvatron), John Goodman (Hound), Ken Watanabe (Drift), John DiMaggio (Crosshairs), and Mark Ryan (Lockdown)

Spoiler alert: moderate

We've been eating Gamera, part VI: Whistle while you DIE

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle.

GAMERA VS. JIGER
(Gamera Tai Daimaju Jaiga)

And here we are, at the beginning of the end.  Luckily it begins again in 1995, but we have some miles to go before we sleep.  On the plus (?) side, this is the one where Gamera gets raped.

1970
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Tsutomo Takakuwa (Hiroshi), Kelly Varis (Christopher), and Kon Omura (Dad)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part V: "Don't you believe in spaceships and spacemen?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GUIRON
(Gamera tai daikaiju Giron)

If anything even more childish than our previous outing, Guiron remains a pretty fun piece of pop cultural flotsam.

1969
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Nobuhiro Kajima (Akio), Christopher Murphy (Tom), Miyuki Akiyama (Tomoko), Kon Omura (Officer Kondo), Hiroko Kai (Barbella), Reiko Kasahara (Florbella)

Spoiler alert: high

We've been eating Gamera, part IV: The film that makes you ask, "Did I have a stroke? Did I die?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. VIRAS
(Gamera Tai Uchu Kaiju Bairasu)

The most inutterably insane Gamera film of them all, it may be far from the turtle's best, but it is truly his single most essential.  It is not only so bad it's good, it is so fucked-up it's mind-altering.  No B-movie education can be called complete without reference to Gamera vs. Viras.

1968
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Toru Taktsuka (Kenny Masao), Carl Craig (Kenny? Jim), Kojiro Hongo (Scoutmaster Shimida), and Genzo Wakayama (The Voice of Boss)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part III: Tempted by the red mist

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GAOS
(Daikaiju kuchusen: Gamera tai Gyaosu)

This is the turning point.  Gamera vs. Gaos brings it all: spectacular high-camp science fantasy; the franchise's most iconic foemonster; a new, improved Kenny; and a novel emphasis upon Gamera as the hero of his own movies.  But most importantly, it brings Noriaki Yuasa and Nisan Takahashi back to full control of their monster's destiny.  This is the definitive entry in the Showa series.

1967
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Naoyuki Abe (Kenny Eiichi Kanamura), Kojiro Hongo (Shiro Tsutsumi), Kichijiro Ueda (Tatsuemon Kanamura), Reiko Kasahara (Sumiko Kanamura), and Yoshiro Katahara (Dr. Aoki)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part II: That rainbow's bright

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. BARUGON
(Daikaiju ketto: Gamera tai Barugon)

The first Gamera sequel demonstrates Noriaki Yuasa's growing competence in the special effects genre; to our regret, however, he only directed about a third of it.  The rest is credited to someone who had never made a monster movie before and, for reasons that will become clear, would never make another one again.

1966
Directed by Shigeo Tanaka
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Kojiro Hongo (Keisuke Hirata), Kyoko Anami (Karen), Koji Fujiyama (Onodera), Akira Natsuki (Ichiro Hirata), Yuzo Hawakawa (Kawajiri), and Teruo Aragaki (Gamera)

Spoiler alert: high

We've been eating Gamera, part I: "I dunno, sir, looks like a huge turtle made its appearance!"

 

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA: THE GIANT MONSTER
(Daikaiju Gamera)

A giant monster destroys Tokyo!  Stop me if you've heard this one.  But instead of standing for Japan's victimhood in the Pacific War, Gamera accidentally acknowledges responsibility for starting the war in the first place.  Well, maybe.  Anyway, just look at all the stuff they blow up!

1965
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Eiji Funakoshi (Dr. Hidaka), Hirumi Kiratachi (Kyoko), Junishiro Yamashiko (Aoyagi), and Yoshiro Uchida (Kenny Toshio)

Spoiler alert: severe

These zombies are making me thirsty

WORLD WAR Z

An apocalyptic action horror science fiction fantasy thriller mystery thing, with practically no brains at all, but there is joy in all its unconscious pleasures, from its well-appointed set-pieces to its almost too-scathing social commentary to the most absurd and invasive yet shockingly appropriate piece of product placement of last year—and that's saying an awful lot.

2013
Directed by Marc Forster
Written by a lot of people, none of whom I wish to credit except Drew Goddard because I can remember his name offhand (based on the book by Max Brooks)
With Brad Pitt (Gerry Lane), Mireille Enos (Karin Lane), Fana Mokeona (Thierry Umutoni), Daniella Kertesz (Segen), and Peter Capaldi (WHO Doctor) (ugh)

Spoiler alert: severe

Of Mars and men

JOHN CARTER

Forgive me.  I didn't know.

2012
Directed by Andew Stanton
Written by Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon, and Andrew Stanton (based on the novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs)
With Taylor Kitsch (John Carter), Willem Dafoe (Tars Tarkas), Lynn Collins (Dejah Thoris), Samantha Morton (Sola), Mark Strong (Matai Shang), Dominic West (Sab Than), Bryan Cranston (Col. Powell), and Daryl Sabara (Ned)

Spoiler alert: high