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NIMONA

2023

Directed by Nick Bruno and Troy Quane

Written by Pamela Ribon, Mark Haimes, Keith Bunin, Robert L. Baird, Lloyd Taylor, Nick Bruno, and Troy Quane (based on the comic book by ND Stephenson)

Spoilers: moderate

Just who was asking for a grim and gritty reboot of Dr. Phibes?

THE EQUALIZER

Someone certainly forgot to equalize the damn tone.

2014
Directed by Antoine Fuqua
Written by Richard Wenk (based on the TV show by Michael Sloan and Richard Lindheim)
With Denzel Washington (Robert), Marton Csokas (Teddy, nee Nikolai), and Chloe Grace Moretz (Teri, nee Alina)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Maybe remake The French Connection so Popeye isn't a huge racist instead

CARRIE

They're not even going to laugh at it, because Carrie doesn't have the decency to at least be an incompetent as well as unnecessary remake: merely bland in most respects, inferior in every single respect, and willing neither to innovate nor to truly plagiarize.

2013
Directed by Kimberly Peirce
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (based on the novel by Stephen King)
With Chloe Grace Moretz (Carrie White), Julianne Moore (Margaret White), Gabriella Wilde (Sue), Portia Doubleday (Chris), Judy Greer (Ms. Collins Desjardin), Ansel Elgort (Tommy), and Alex Russel (Billy)

Spoiler alert: seriously?

Damn hell ass superheroes

KICK-ASS 2

As a companion piece to the more ambitious, more interesting, generally more thrilling original, it's fun enough.

2013
Written and directed by Jeff Wadlow (based on the comic by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.)
With Chloe Grace Moretz (Hit-Girl/Mindy Macready), Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Kick-Ass/Dave Lizewski), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (The Mother Fucker/Chris D'Amico), Jim Carrey (Col. Stars and Stripes), John Leguizamo (Javier)

Spoiler alert: moderate