There [still won't] be blood

MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION

1997

Directed by John R. Leonetti

Written by Lawrence Kasanoff, Joshua Wexler, John Tobias, Brent Friedman, and Bryan Zabel (based on the video game Mortal Kombat 3 by Ed Boon and John Tobias)

Spoilers: moderate

I'm counting on you, red, white, and blue

AIR FORCE ONE

1997

Directed by Wolfgang Petersen

Written by Andrew W. Marlowe

Spoilers: moderate

Walt Disney, part ΔΔΔΔΔI: You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh

HERCULES

1997

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker

Written by Donald McEnery, Bob Shaw, Irene Mecchi, Ron Clements, and John Musker, et al

Spoilers: severe

Alien Week, part IV: The blob

ALIEN: RESURRECTION

I reviewed a movie written by Joss Whedon without using the word "quip" once.  Worship me!

1997

Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Written by Joss Whedon

With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Winona Ryder (Call), Michael Wincott (Elgyn), Ron Perlman (Johner), Gary Dourdan (Christie), Kim Flowers (Hillard), Dominique Pinon (Vriess), J.E. Freeman (Dr. Wren), Dan Hedaya (Gen. Perez), and Brad Dourif (Dr. Gediman)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cimmerian Week, part IV: And this story shall also be told

KULL THE CONQUEROR

Welcome to the unlegendary journeys.

1997

Directed by John Nicolella

Written by Charles Edward Pogue

With Kevin Sorbo (Kull), Karina Lombard (Zareta), Gary "Litefoot" Davis (Ascalante), Harvey Fierstein (Juba), Sven Ole-Thorson (King Borna), Thomas Ian Griffith (Taligaro), Edward Tudor-Pole (Enaros), and Tia Carerre (Akivasha)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Robert Zemeckis, part XI: HITLER LIVES ON VEGA

CONTACT

Contact is perhaps not the best film it could possibly be, but that doesn't stop it from being the best film to tell its kind of story since 2001 itself.

1997

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Written by James V. Hard and Michael Goldenberg (based on the novel by Dr. Carl Sagan, as well as the original screenplay by Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan)

With Jodie Foster/Jena Malone (Dr. Ellie Arroway), Matthew McConaughey (Palmer Joss), William Fichtner (Kent), John Hurt (S.R. Hadden), Tom Skerritt (David Drumlin), Angela Bassett (Rachel Constantine), James Woods (Michael Kitz), Rob Lowe (Richard Rank), Jake Busey (Joseph), and Ted Arroway (David Morse)

Spoiler alert: severe

Steven Spielberg, part XXIII: This... is how far I've come

AMISTAD

Our director takes on slavery, and it's far better than you likely remember.

1997
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by David Franzoni
With Djimon Hounsou (Cinque), Matthew McConaughey (Roger Sherman Baldwin), Morgan Freeman (Theodore Joadson), Stellan Skarsgaard (Lewis Tappan), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Ens. James Covey), Anthony Hopkins (Sen. John Quincy Adams), Razaaq Adati (Yamba), Peter Firth (Capt. Fitzgerald), Jeremy Northam (Judge Coglin), Pete Postlethwaite (U.S. District Attorney William S. Holabird), Anna Paquin (Queen Isabella II of Spain), and Nigel Hawthorne (Pres. Martin Van Buren)

Spoiler alert: N/A

Steven Spielberg, part XXII: If we so much as bend a blade of grass...

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

Sure it's awful, but you gotta laugh.

1997

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by David Koepp (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)

With Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcom), Julianne Moore (Dr. Sarah Harding), Vince Vaughn (Nick Van Owen), Vanessa Lee Chester (Kelly Curtis), Richard Attenborough (John Hammond), and Pete Postlethwaite (Roland Tembo)

Spoiler alert: high
Note: this is a re-edited version of a review posted in June 2015, to commemorate the release of the rather bad fourth film in the Jurassic Park series, Jurassic World.  Annoyingly, The Lost World somehow manages to be significantly worse than even its distant, degraded sequel.  (So thank God for Jurassic Park III, am I right?  That movie's a Goddamned pip!)

Jurassic Week, part II: If we so much as bend a blade of grass...

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

Sure it's awful, but you gotta laugh.

1997
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by David Koepp (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)
With Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcom), Julianne Moore (Dr. Sarah Harding), Vince Vaughn (Nick Van Owen), Vanessa Lee Chester (Kelly Curtis), Richard Attenborough (John Hammond), and Pete Postlethwaite (Roland Tembo)

Spoiler alert: high

Putting the "list" in "miserablist"! (or, the films of David Fincher ranked, nos. 8-7)

For going on twenty years now—my how time flies—David Fincher has been our preeminent auteur of gross, depressing tales of murder and mayhem.  Almost uniquely, Fincher has mastered a high-wire balancing act in the thriller genre, crafting films that are formally pristine, morally bracing, thematically insidious, emotionally devastating, and—most important of all—highly entertaining.  Though chiefly noted for this selfsame prediliction toward the pleasantly unpleasant, Fincher has tried his hand at other things, too—one time it was good, one time it was the worst thing ever.  On this episode: just because Fincher's good at thrillers, doesn't mean he's always good at thrillers.

Spoiler alert: mild