And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling mustache!

A HAUNTING IN VENICE

2023

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Michael Green (based on the novel Hallowe'en Party by Agatha Christie)

Spoilers: moderate, though if it's arguably on the higher side of moderate, I'm still not talking the details of ultimate solutions or anything

If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be not now, yet it will come: the readiness is all

HAMLET

1996

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh (based on the play The Tragedy of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark by William Shakespeare)

Spoilers: hey, remember that time Norway conquered Denmark?

O beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on

OTHELLO

1995

Written and directed by Oliver Parker (based on the play The Tragedy of Othello, the Moor of Venice by William Shakespeare)

Spoilers: presumably inapplicable

Why must the show go on?

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

aka A Midwinter's Tale

1995

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh

Spoilers: moderate unto high

Nay, these are virtuous and immaculate beings! I, the miserable and abandoned, am an abortion, to be spurned at, and kicked, and trampled on. Even now my blood boils at the recollection of this injustice.

MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN

1994

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Steph Lady and Frank Darabont (based on the novel Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley) 

Spoilers: inapplicable, right?

My dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

1993

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh (based on the play by William Shakespeare)

Spoilers: moderate unto high—and I'm kind of serious, it's not one of the ones they make you read in high school, you know?

Auld acquaintance

PETER'S FRIENDS

1992

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Rita Rudner and Martin Bergman

Spoilers: mild

Karmically, self-defense is quite cool

DEAD AGAIN

1991

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Scott Frank

Spoilers: moderate

Ill-disposed in brawl ridiculous, the name of Agincourt

HENRY V

1989

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh (based on the play The Life of Henry the Fifth by William Shakespeare)

Spoilers: N/A (why's there no play about the Siege of Orléans?)

Dead again

DEATH ON THE NILE

2022

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Michael Green (based on the novel by Agatha Christie)

Spoilers: moderate

Troubled youth

BELFAST

2021

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh

Spoilers: that's a big ol' N/A

God and Hercule Poirot

MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS

2017's premier mustache ride.

2017

Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Michael Green (based on the novel by Agatha Christie)

With Kenneth Branagh (Hercule Poirot), and a number of other actors, great and small, all of them smaller than Sir Ken

Spoiler alert: mild as I can make it

BUT 'CHA KNOT KING

THOR

A divinely inspired work of cinema with a real beating heart, featuring the best fantasy world in contemporary film, the best straight superhero story in any film, the best supervillain since Claude Rains wore black velvet, and the best colors of 2011, which, if I had my way, would be an Oscar category.

2011
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne, Mark Protosevich, and J. Michael Straczynski
With Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Hiddleston (Loki), Natalie Portman (Jane Foster), Anthony Hopkins (Odin), Rene Russo (Frigga), Kat Dennings (Darcy Lewis), Stellan Skarsgard (Dr. Erik Selvig), Idris Elba (Heimdall), Jaime Alexander (Sif), Zachary Levi (Fandral), Ray Stevenson (Volstagg), Tadanobu Asano (Hogun), Colm Feore (Laufey), and Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson)

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Whosoever holds this camera, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Kenneth Branagh—and of course it didn't even budge.  Yet, somehow, this sequel is a very good movie, proving how much script and performances—and probably sheer goodwill for a franchise—really do matter.

2013
Directed by Alan Taylor
Written by Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Christopher Yost, and Don Payne
With the same, minus Colm Feore (a void in my icy heart) and Clark Gregg (a pain like a stab in the chest), plus Christopher Eccleston (if you really, really insist)

Spoiler alert: severe for Thor, mild for The Dark World