Friday Week: Trapped by dark waters, there is no escape—nor do we want it

 

FRIDAY THE 13th PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

1989

Written and directed by Rob Hedden

Spoiler alert: moderate

Note: though based on a fresh watch, this is a re-edited-more-than-I'd-have-liked version of an earlier review written in connection with my annual Halloween-time crossover with Brennan Klein (rarely these days of Popcorn Culture, more commonly of Alternate Ending).  My hopes were to barely change it.  My hopes were dashed, given that significant stretches would have been redundant with things we've already covered in previous entries (particularly my grand unified theories of Friday the 13th criticism), while a lot was simply performative whining that only makes sense in the context of Brennan having control over the programming.  The original will, of course, remain, and it has a lot of neat slasher flick errata insofar as the crossover concept demands I ape the format of Brennan's impiously encyclopedic Census Bloodbath series of 80s slasher film reviews, which I obviously recommend.

The boat collector

DEAD CALM

1989

Directed by Phillip Noyce

Written by Terry Hayes (based on the novel by Charles Williams)

Spoilers: moderate

Disney's Challengers, part VIII: Dog damn

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

1989

Directed by Don Bluth (co-directed by Gary Goldman and John Pomeroy)

Written by David N. Weiss and zillion other people

Spoilers: moderate

Ill-disposed in brawl ridiculous, the name of Agincourt

HENRY V

1989

Written and directed by Kenneth Branagh (based on the play The Life of Henry the Fifth by William Shakespeare)

Spoilers: N/A (why's there no play about the Siege of Orléans?)

Census Bloodbath: Jock shock

CUTTING CLASS

And once again we welcome you, to our October Switcheroo

Where Brennan Klein deigns to review nice old sci-fi, like I would do.

But pretending to alliance, Brennan sends me 80s violence!

Cardboard Bloodbath, Census Science, demands psychic realignment.

Oh we have fun—requisite links.  Here's hoping that not too much stinks.

Poetry blows, J. Slasherfan thinks. Give me TITS and DEATH, that's my kink!

1989

Directed by Rospo Pallenberg

Written by Steve Slavkin

Census Bloodbath: Urban legend

FRIDAY THE 13th PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

The Eighth (oh God) Annual Great October Switcheroo!  Once again, we're crossing over with the wonderful Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture and sometimes Alternate Ending, and I'm doing some of the 80s slashers he's catalogued as part of his Census Bloodbath project, while he's doing some of the old-timey sci-fi I've been hoarding as part of my own Cardboard Science archive.  This year, he finally gave me three pieces of the slasher genre's major arcana, such as I've been very subtly and surreptitiously hinting that I'd like to do this whole time; in return, I accidentally gave him three pieces of indecent crap.  Oops!  (But, seriously, apologies.)

1989

Written and directed by Rob Hedden

Spoiler alert: moderate

Walt Disney, part XXXVIII: What's a fire, and why does it—what's the word—burn?

THE LITTLE MERMAID

1989

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker

Written by Ron Clements, John Musker, and Howard Ashman (based on the story by Hans Christian Andersen)

Spoiler alert: well, she doesn't become a freaking air spirit

Walt Disney, part XXXVII: It could be a stream of dog pee, and it would look like a river to us

HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS

1989

Directed by Joe Johnston

Written by Stuart Gordon, Brian Yuzna, Ed Naha, and Tom Schulman

Spoiler alert: moderate

The night breed

LITTLE MONSTERS

1989

Directed by Richard Alan Greenberg

Written by Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott

Spoiler alert: mild

Census Bloodbath: They love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit.

STAGEFRIGHT

(aka Deliria, aka Blood Bird, aka, for unknown reasons, Aquarius and/or Stagefright: Aquarius)

The SWITCHEROOOOO!  It's October, and that means it's time for Brennan Klein, of Popcorn Culture and Alternate Ending and Scream 101 and, above all, our hearts, to take on my usual and oft-shirked task of reviewing the Cardboard Science sci-fi schlock of a bygone era, while I get to luxuriate in the blood and guts of 80s slashers with his Census Bloodbath series, which he has been pursuing with diligent and perhaps disturbing obsession, lo these many years.

1987 (Italy)/1989 (USA)

Directed by Michele Soavi

Written by Luigi Montefiori and Sheila Goldberg

Spoiler alert: moderate verging on high

Census Bloodbath: In the dark it is easy to pretend

PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE

The SWITCHEROOOOO!  It's October, and that means it's time for Brennan Klein, of Popcorn Culture and Alternate Ending and Scream 101 and, above all, our hearts, to take on my usual and oft-shirked task of reviewing the Cardboard Science sci-fi schlock of a bygone era, while I get to luxuriate in the blood and guts of 80s slashers with his Census Bloodbath series, which he has been pursuing with diligent and perhaps disturbing obsession, lo these many years.

1989

Directed by Richard Friedman

Written by Scott J. Schneid, Tony Michelman, and Robert King

Spoiler alert: moderate

King Week: The ground is sour

In which Halloween-related marathoning has resulted in reviews of several spooky movies from the mind of the world's favorite horror author, Stephen King.

PET SEMATARY

1989

Directed by Mary Lambert

Written by Stephen King (based on his novel)

2019

Directed by Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmeyer

Written by Jeff Buhler (based on the novel, etc.)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Love you wife

THE ABYSS

Now, the box office doesn't bear this out, and reasonable minds can differ, but if you were to ask me, James Cameron's career through the 80s and its holdover years in the 90s was one of unstoppable ascent, each picture being better than his last.  But even if his fourth film didn't stay his best film (though it gives his fifth, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, which did remain his best, a very serious run for its money), then, for the sheer difficulty of its achievement, The Abyss remains Cameron's most impressive work—and his most personal.

1989 (theatrical release)/1992 (the proper, finished film, as people watch it today)

Written and directed by James Cameron

Spoiler alert: severe

Working for the weekend

WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S

One of the 80s' best-remembered comedies is not always considered one of its best, period, but damned if Weekend at Bernie's doesn't have one of that decade's better hooks, no matter what else is or isn't good about it.

1989

Directed by Ted Kotcheff

Written by Robert Klane

With Jonathan Silverman (Richard Parker), Andrew McCarthy (Larry Wilson), Catherine Mary Stewart (Gwen Saunders), and Terry Kiser (Bernard Lomax)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Census Bloodbath: Overshoot the extreme, max the envelope, and so on

DEATH SPA

Yesterday was Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, yesterday was Halloween, here's our crossover!  As if he needs any introduction, our friend Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture, as well as many other places these days, shall be taking on the task of reviewing three wholesome, edifying 1950s sci-fi films of the kind we so often do around here, while I review three slasher films straight from the pit of moral decay called the 1980s.

1989

Directed by Michael Fischa

Written by James Bartruff and Mitch Paradise

With William Bumiller (Michael), Brenda Bakke (Laura), Ken Foree (Marvin), Alexa Hamilton (Priscilla), Rosalind Cash (Sgt. Stone), Francis X. McCarthy (Lt. Fletcher), Merrick Butrick (David), and Shari Shattuck (Catherine)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Joe Dante, part IX: The monsters are due

THE 'BURBS

One of the 80s' best and funniest satires, it's known that The 'Burbs doesn't quite manage to stick its landing.  And yet it finally concludes, on one particular grace note, which suggests that The 'Burbs' bizarre and self-contradicting ending might actually be the single cleverest part of its indictment.

1989

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Dana Olsen

With Tom Hanks (Ray Peterson), Carrie Fisher (Carol Petersen), Rick Docommun (Art Weingarter), Bruce Dern (Lt. Mark Rumsfield), Wendy Schaal (Bonnie Rumsfield), Corey Feldman (Ricky Butler), Brother Theodore (Rueben Klopek), Courtney Gains (Hans Klopek), and Henry Gibson (Dr. Werner Klopek)

Spoiler alert: severe

Census Bloodbath: And then it just ends, with her and Falkor flying off into the sunset—it was weird

October's end draws near—and so once again it's time to pull the old switcheroo with Brennan Klein, the finest human being I know not related to me by blood or sexual intercourse!  And so shall it ever be: while Brennan reviews three wonderful Cardboard Science classics over at Popcorn Culture, handpicked by yours truly for their moral uprightness and fine craftsmanship, we intend to wallow in whatever sleaze and gore that Brennan's deemed fit for me to review, in the form of three entries from Brennan's centerpiece feature, the increasingly-complete encyclopedia of the 1980s' slasher phenomenon that he calls Census Bloodbath.  But we take our duties seriously here, and, as usual, I'm having a blast.

I, MADMAN

1989

Directed by Tibor Takacs

Written by David Chaskin

With Jenny Wright (Virginia), Clayton Rohner (Richard), Stephanie Hodge (Mona), and Randall William Cook (Dr. Alan Kessler/Malcolm Brand)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XVII: Enter the void

ALWAYS

Spielberg tries his hand at straight-up romantic fantasy—and falls flat on his face with the worst film (so far, anyway) of his whole feature career.

1989

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Jerry Benson and Diane Thomas (based on the screenplay A Guy Named Joe by Dalton Trumbo and Frederick Hazlitt Brennan)

With Richard Dreyfuss (Pete Sandich), Holly Hunter (Dorinda Durich), John Goodman (Al Yackey), Brad Johnson (Ted Baker), and Audrey Hepburn (Hap)

Spoiler alert: high

Robert Zemeckis, part VII: Tempus sulcat

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II

Back to the Future jumps right up its own ass—and, somehow, this makes it even better than it already was.

1989

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Written by Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis

With Michael J. Fox (Marty McFly, Marty McFly, Jr., and Marlene McFly), Christopher Lloyd (Dr. Emmett Brown), Elisabeth Shue (Jennifer Parker), Lea Thompson (Lorraine McFly nee Baines), Jeffrey Weisman (George McFly), and Thomas F. Wilson (Biff Tannen and Griff Tannen)

Spoiler alert: severe

Steven Spielberg, part XVI: And this time he's bringing his dad

INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE

With our director returning to his most popular franchise, we arrive at what is—in many important respects—the least of Indiana Jones' original trilogy, and the one that undeniably breaks from the tone and tenor of its two predecessors.  Yet somehow The Last Crusade makes a solid claim to operating on the same rarefied level, albeit in a very different way.  It claws its way back to the pinnacle by being the most personal to its maker—not to mention the most human in its achievement.  Yes, this is the Indy film that makes everybody cry.  Or maybe it just makes me cry—but I really hope it's everybody, just so I don't feel as ashamed as I probably ought to be.

1989

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Jeffrey Boam, Menno Meyjes, Tom Stoppard, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg

With Harrison Ford and River Phoenix (Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr.), Sean Connery (Dr. Henry Jones, Sr.), Denholm Elliott (Dr. Marcus Brody), Richard Young (The Man With the Fedora), John Rhys-Davies (Sallah), Kevork Malikyan (Kazim), Robert Eddison (The Knight of the Grail), Michael Byrne (SS-Standartenfuhrer Ernst Vogel), Alison Doody (Dr. Elsa Schneider), and Julian Glover (Walter Donovan)

Spoiler alert: and for this one, you've seen it around sixty times, maybe seventy