John Denver Appreciation Week: There's a wrinkle in reality, and that wrinkle is you

FINAL DESTINATION 5

2011

Directed by Steven Quale

Written by Eric Heisserer

Spoilers: oh, severe, I guess

Even now, when time has dulled the impression and made me half question my own experience and horrible doubts, there are things in that letter of Akeley’s which I would not quote

THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS

2011

Directed Sean Branney

Written by Andrew Leman and Sean Branney (based on the story by H.P. Lovecraft)

plus "The Call of Cthulhu" (2005), written and directed by same

Spoilers: moderate

Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z: Apes together strong

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Directed by Rupert Wyatt

Written by Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, and Mark Bomback

Spoilers: severe

Duncan Jones, part II: Stranger on a train

SOURCE CODE

As it's hardly worth reviewing a twist-heavy film that's almost seven years old now without going into the twists and how well they play, I'm not going to hesitate to spoil Source Code, at least in its broader strokes.  And yet if you've somehow not seen it (and, while it was a modest hit, I suppose that's not even that unlikely), or, better yet, if you've never even heard of it, take this advice: don't read another word about it, and just watch it.  Whatever problems its third act embodies, and whatever cautious, pointless discussions of its strengths we might've had otherwise, Source Code remains a trippy, mindfucky blast, deserving of a much higher profile than it seems to have.  And that's as good a short review as any.

2011

Directed by Duncan Jones

Written by Ben Ripley

With Jake Gyllenhaal (Capt. Coulter Stevens), Michelle Monaghan (Christina Warren), Vera Farmiga (Capt. Colleen Goodwin), and Jeffrey Wright (Dr. Rutledge)

Spoiler alert: high

Cimmerian Week, part V: Hey, maybe all this movie needed was a beard, and a little eyeliner

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

It may not be entirely devoid of any good points, but taken as a whole, Conan the Barbarian '11 is just about as bad as a remake of a great film could ever get.

2011

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood

With Jason Momoa (Conan), Ron Perlman (Corin), Rachel Nichols (Tamara), Nonso Anozie (Artus), Said Taghmaoui (Ela-Shan), Rose McGowan (Marique), and Stephen Lang (Khalar Zym)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXXIII: Fantastic beasts and where to find them

WAR HORSE

Spielberg once again goes to war, and this time he brings a horse named Joey, whom you do slowly grow to love (even if you aren't very likely to love any of the hardly-glimpsed character sketches that surround him).

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis (based on the novel by Michael Morpurgo)

With Jeremy Irvine (Albert "Albie" Narracott), Emily Watson (Rose Narracott), Peter Mullan (Ted Narracott), Lyons (David Thewlis), Tom Hiddleston (Capt. James Nicholls), Benedict Cumberbatch (Maj. Jamie Stewart), and so on and so forth, there are an awful lot of people in the film, and also many horses

Spoiler alert: somewhere between moderate and high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXII: Blistering barnacles!

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN

Spielberg teams up with Peter Jackson for a throwback adventure into the past, rendered with all the tools of the future, and the film they made together is truly something to behold.

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright, and Joe Cornish (based on the comics by Herge)

With Jamie Bell (Tintin), Andy Serkis (Capt. Haddock), Nick Frost (Thompson), Simon Pegg (Thompson), Toby Jones (Mr. Silk), and Daniel Craig (Sakharine)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Robert Zemeckis, part XVII: Why couldn't we have just done a feature-length Bloom County cartoon instead?

MARS NEEDS MOMS

How can so many people go so mad all at one time, and decide to make something like this?

2011

Directed by Simon Wells

Written by Wendy Wells and Simon Wells (based on the book by Berkeley Breathed)

With Seth Green/Seth Dusky (Milo), Joan Cusack (Mom), Dan Fogler (Gribble), Elisabeth Harnois (Ki), and Mindy Sterling (The Supervisor)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part XXVIII: One flew under the cuckoo's nest

THE WARD

Five years ago, JC left us with one last gift before heading right back to the Basketball and Video Game Dimension; and, as I'm sure you know, The Ward was not appreciated in its time, nor is it tremendously appreciated now.  But, in our own small way, we aim to change that.

2011

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Michael Rasmussen and Shawn Rasmussen

With Amber Heard (Kristen), Mamie Gummer (Emily), Danielle Panabaker (Sarah), Lyndsy Fonssca (Iris), Laura Leigh Moser (Zoe), Susanna Burney (Nurse Bundt), Dan Anderson (Orderly Roy), and Jared Harris (Dr. Gerald Stringer)

Spoiler alert: severe

Impossible Week, part IV: And I'll catch you!

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE—GHOST PROTOCOL

As the Impossible series continues to take new, strange forms, we turn now to Brad Bird's live action debut—in many ways, the finest animated feature he ever made.

2011
Directed by Brad Bird
Written by
With Tom Cruise (Ethan Hunt), Simon Pegg (Benji Dunn), Paula Patton (Jane Carter), Jeremy Renner (William Brandt), Miraj Grbic (Bodgan), Lea Seydoux (Sabine Moreau), Michelle Monaghan (Julia Hunt), and Michael Nyqvist (Cobalt)

Spoiler alert: high

Ron's heartworm medication, part II

HARRY POTTER AND THE ____________
Directed by Chris Columbus (1-2), Alfonso Cuaron (3), Mark Newell (4), and David Yates (5-8)
Written by Steve Klove (1-4, 6-8) and Michael Goldenburg (5) (based on the novels by J.K. Rowling)
With the population of Britain—Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione Granger), Rupert Grint (Ron Weasly), Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy), Richard Harris (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 1), Michael Gambon (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 2), Robbie Coltrane (Rubeus Hagrid), Alan Rickman (Prof. Severus Snape), Kenneth Branagh (Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart), Gary Oldman (Sirius Black), David Thewlis (Prof. Remus Lupin), Brendon Gleeson (Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody), Jim Broadbent (Prof. Horace Slughorn), Timothy Spall (Wormtail), Maggie Smith (Prof. Minerva MacGonacle), Imelda Staunton (Dolores Umbridge), Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix Lestrange), Warwick Davis (various), and Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort)

Spoiler alert: I'm trying to keep it at moderate—God alone knows whom for—but it will unavoidably slip into high in regards the later films

Putting the "list" in "miserablist"! (or, the films of David Fincher ranked, no. 2)

For going on twenty years now—my how time flies—David Fincher has been our preeminent auteur of gross, depressing tales of murder and mayhem.  Almost uniquely, Fincher has mastered a high-wire balancing act in the thriller genre, crafting films that are formally pristine, morally bracing, thematically insidious, emotionally devastating, and—most important of all—highly entertaining.  Though chiefly noted for this selfsame prediliction toward the pleasantly unpleasant, Fincher has tried his hand at other things, too—one time it was good, one time it was the worst thing ever.  On this episode: murder and mayhem!

Spoiler alert: moderate

William Sadler is Number One

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Enviable talent combines to bring a powerful beginning, middle, and end to a classic superheroic tale.  Then they combine again to make another hour or so of movie.

2011
Directed by Joe Johnston
Written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely
With Chris Evans (Steve Rogers), Sebastian Stan (Bucky Barnes), Hugo Weaving (The Red Skull), Haley Atwell (Peggy Carter), Tommy Lee Jones (Col. Chester Phillips), Toby Jones (Arnim Zola), and Samuel Jackson (Nick Fury)

Spoiler alert: severe

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

If Captain America: The First Avenger gave us half of one of the best superhero films ever made and half of one of the dullest, Captain America: The Winter Soldier can certainly claim to be more even.

2014
Directed by Anthony Russo and Joe Russo
Written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely (based hardly at all on the comic by Ed Brubaker)
With the above, as appropriate, as well as Scarlett Johansson (Natasha Romanoff), Anthony Mackie (Sam Wilson), and Robert Redford (Alexander Pierce)

Spoiler alert: severe, but basically nonexistent if you've read any Captain America comics, or possibly if you've previously been exposed to any form of fictional narrative whatsoever

BUT 'CHA KNOT KING

THOR

A divinely inspired work of cinema with a real beating heart, featuring the best fantasy world in contemporary film, the best straight superhero story in any film, the best supervillain since Claude Rains wore black velvet, and the best colors of 2011, which, if I had my way, would be an Oscar category.

2011
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Written by Ashley Miller, Zack Stentz, Don Payne, Mark Protosevich, and J. Michael Straczynski
With Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Tom Hiddleston (Loki), Natalie Portman (Jane Foster), Anthony Hopkins (Odin), Rene Russo (Frigga), Kat Dennings (Darcy Lewis), Stellan Skarsgard (Dr. Erik Selvig), Idris Elba (Heimdall), Jaime Alexander (Sif), Zachary Levi (Fandral), Ray Stevenson (Volstagg), Tadanobu Asano (Hogun), Colm Feore (Laufey), and Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson)

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Whosoever holds this camera, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Kenneth Branagh—and of course it didn't even budge.  Yet, somehow, this sequel is a very good movie, proving how much script and performances—and probably sheer goodwill for a franchise—really do matter.

2013
Directed by Alan Taylor
Written by Christopher Markus, Stephen McFeely, Christopher Yost, and Don Payne
With the same, minus Colm Feore (a void in my icy heart) and Clark Gregg (a pain like a stab in the chest), plus Christopher Eccleston (if you really, really insist)

Spoiler alert: severe for Thor, mild for The Dark World