John Denver Appreciation Week: What if us being here, right now, was the plan from the beginning?

THE FINAL DESTINATION

2009

Directed by David R. Ellis

Written by Eric Bress

Spoilers: moderate

Walt Disney, part LXVIII: When we're human

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG

2009

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker

Written by Rob Edwards, Greg Erb, Jason Oremland, Ron Clements, and John Musker

Spoilers: severe

Friday Week: Say hi to mommy in hell

FRIDAY THE 13th

2009

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Written by Mark Wheaton, Damian Shannon, and Mark Swift

Spoilers: high

Go greased lightning

REDLINE

2009

Directed by Takeshi Koike

Written by Katsuhito Ishii, Yoji Enokido, and Yoshishi Sakurai

Spoilers: moderate

Duncan Jones, part I: Three year stretch

MOON

Fundamentally perfect sci-fi delivered in a gorgeous package that never quite belies either its pittance of a budget or the inexperience of its director, Moon is a movie for the ages.

2009

Directed by Duncan Jones

Written by Nathan Parker and Duncan Jones

With Sam Rockwell (Sam Bell), Kevin Spacey (GERTY), and Sam Rockwell (Sam Bell)

Spoiler alert: high, in the sense that I describe the basic dynamic of a decade old film's plot, anyway

Joe Dante, part XV: It knows what scares you

THE HOLE

A return to a form we were only modestly sure Joe Dante ever had in the first place.

2009 (the few)/2012 (the many)

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Mark L. Smith

With Chris Massoglia (Dane Thompson), Nathan Gamble (Lucas Thompson), Haley Bennett (Julie Campbell), Teri Polo (Susan Thompson), and Bruce Dern (Creepy Carl)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Laika Week, part I: Cute as a button

CORALINE

Flawed as it is, this impressively dark fairy tale would still manage to stand on its own—and be fully worthy of being called great—even if it weren't the necessary forerunner of some even better things to come.

2009

Written and directed by Henry Selick (based on the book by Neil Gaiman)

With Dakota Fanning (Coraline Jones), Robert Bailey Jr. (Wybourne "Wybie" Lovat), Keith David (the Cat), Jennifer Saudens (April Sprink), Dawn French (Miriam Forcible), Ian McShane (Sergei "the Amazing" Bobinsky), John Hodgman/John Linnell (Charlie Jones), and Teri Hatcher (Mel Jones)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Robert Zemeckis, part XVI: There's more of gravy than of grave about you

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Zemeckis' mo-cap efforts had been getting better, but with A Christmas Carol, the director does something he hadn't done in a full thirty years—namely, make a really bad movie.

2009

Written and directed by Robert Zemeckis (based on the novella by Charles Dickens)

With Jim Carrey (Ebenezer Scrooge and several ghosts), Gary Oldman (Bob Cratchit, "Tiny" Tim Crachit, and another ghost, Jacob Marley), Robin Wright (Belle), Bob Hoskins (Fezziwig), and Colin Firth (Fred)

Spoiler alert: c'mon, man, for real?

Judgment Week, part IV: Pain can be controlled

TERMINATOR SALVATION

The nadir of the franchise.  One hopes.

2009
Directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol
Written by John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris
With Sam Worthington (Marcus Wright), Christian Bale (John Connor), Anton Yelchin (Kyle Reese), Moon Bloodgood (Blair Williams), Michael Ironside (Gen. Ashdown), and Helena Bonham Carter (Dr. Serena Kogan, and also Skynet, apparently)

Spoiler alert: severe

Ron's heartworm medication, part II

HARRY POTTER AND THE ____________
Directed by Chris Columbus (1-2), Alfonso Cuaron (3), Mark Newell (4), and David Yates (5-8)
Written by Steve Klove (1-4, 6-8) and Michael Goldenburg (5) (based on the novels by J.K. Rowling)
With the population of Britain—Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione Granger), Rupert Grint (Ron Weasly), Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy), Richard Harris (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 1), Michael Gambon (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 2), Robbie Coltrane (Rubeus Hagrid), Alan Rickman (Prof. Severus Snape), Kenneth Branagh (Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart), Gary Oldman (Sirius Black), David Thewlis (Prof. Remus Lupin), Brendon Gleeson (Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody), Jim Broadbent (Prof. Horace Slughorn), Timothy Spall (Wormtail), Maggie Smith (Prof. Minerva MacGonacle), Imelda Staunton (Dolores Umbridge), Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix Lestrange), Warwick Davis (various), and Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort)

Spoiler alert: I'm trying to keep it at moderate—God alone knows whom for—but it will unavoidably slip into high in regards the later films

Acts of killing, part III

MERANTAU

Gareth Evans and Iko Uwais' first foray into the wild and wooly world of martial arts cinema may wind up known to history principally for how it laid the groundwork for The Raid, but their Merantau is not just important for what it taught the two men: it is a vividly memorable success on its own terms.

2009
Written and directed by Gareth (Huw?) Evans
With Iko Uwais (Yuda), Sisca Jessica (Astri), Alex Ahbad (Johni), Mads Koubal, dubbed by Philip Hersh ("Mr. Boss" Ratger), Laurent Buson (Luc), and Yayan Ruhian (Eric)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cowboy Bebop at his computer

SUMMER WARS

Credibly brings to life the sheer oppression of being trapped with a large, tightly-knit family on account of a girl you like but who you are not sure actually likes you—however, as an Internet apocalypse movie, Summer Wars only marginally succeeds as science fiction, or science fantasy, or fiction, or fantasy.

2009
Directed by Hasoda Mamoru
Written by and Okudera Satoko and Hasoda Mamoru
With holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! Michael Sinterniklaas (Koiso Kenji), Brina Palencia (Shinohara Natsuki), Pam Dougherty (Jinnouchi Sakae), God knows how many other voice actors, and there's a Japanese seiyu cast too but I watched it dubbed like a philistine—a philistine like a fox

Spoiler alert: moderate

There are a lot of ways you can go with a destructive AI let loose upon the Internet.  There's The Terminator approach, which is to give it access to your killer robots and nuclear arsenal.  There's the Ghost in the Shell approach, which is to allow your characters to talk to it and reason with it, and also giving it access to your killer robots as well as your killer sex robots.  There's The Matrix approach, which is to create an entire virtual world within which your characters' minds are wholly immersed, so that fighting software is not dissimilar to a kung fu battle.  There's the Serial Experiments Lain approach, which is to mysticize it so that it becomes a Lovecraftian horror capable of emerging into the real world (I think).  Back on the other end of the realism spectrum, there's the WarGames approach, which involves a Broderickesque nerd, if not an actual Matthew Broderick, typing on a keyboard for hours on end.  Using the WarGames method, you would be well-advised to involve some chase scenes and military guys with guns.

Then there's the Summer Wars approach, which is to have an ancillary character try to beat up all the AI's pixels with his custom M.U.G.E.N. character.