Friday Week: Then I'm a dead fuck

FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER

1984

Directed by Joseph Zito

Written by Bruce Hidemi Sakow and Barney Cohen

Spoilers: high

Let the revels begin, let the fire be started—we're dancing for the restless and the broken-hearted

STREETS OF FIRE

1984

Directed by Walter Hill

Written by Walter Hill and Larry Gross

Spoiler alert: moderate

Super Week, Addendum: Leave this place, and do no harm!

SUPERGIRL

Now, what I said was, there was no such thing as a bad Superman movie—and it's a shame that it has to be phrased that misogynistically.  But here we are, and no matter how I phrase it, our return to Kryptonian cinema leads us to one of the most legendarily awful movies of the whole 1980s.

1984

Directed by Jeannot Szwarcz

Written by David Odell

With Helen Slater (Kara Zor-El/Linda Lee), Mia Farrow (Alura Zor-El), Peter O'Toole (Zaltar), Maureen Teefy (Lucy Lane), Hart Bochner (Ethan), Marc McClure (Jimmy Olsen), Brenda Vicarro (Bianca), Peter Cook (Nigel), and Faye Dunaway (Selena)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Census Bloodbath: A dangerous method

October's end draws near—and so once again it's time to pull the old switcheroo with Brennan Klein, the finest human being I know not related to me by blood or sexual intercourse!  And so shall it ever be: while Brennan reviews three wonderful Cardboard Science classics over at Popcorn Culture, handpicked by yours truly for their moral uprightness and fine craftsmanship, we intend to wallow in whatever sleaze and gore that Brennan's deemed fit for me to review, in the form of three entries from Brennan's centerpiece feature, the increasingly-complete encyclopedia of the 1980s' slasher phenomenon that he calls Census Bloodbath.  But we take our duties seriously here, and, as usual, I'm having a blast.

THE INITIATION

1984

Directed by Larry Stewart

Written by Charles Pratt, Jr.

With Daphne Zuniga (Kelly Fairchild), Marilyn Kagan (Marcia), Hunter Tylo (Alison), Paula Knowles (Beth), James Read (Peter Adams), Joy Jones (Heidi), Frances Peterson (Megan), Robert Dowdell (Jason Randall), Clu Galager (Dwight Fairchild), and Vera Miles (Frances Fairchild)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Joe Dante, part V: After all, the only thing that any 21 year old man, who already owns one dog and lives in his family's attic, could ever want for Christmas is a surprise high-maintenance pet

GREMLINS

It's a rollicking good time, that much is for certain.  But indefeasible greatness wasn't in the cards for Dante this time around, even if you'd never know it from Gremlins' enduring reputation, its endless imitators, or its enormous box office success.  No, I suppose I'm definitely in the minority camp on this one.  And that's just for liking it—rather than loving the living shit out of it, as any boy born in the 1980s is required by federal law to do.

1984

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Chris Columbus

With Zach Galligan (Billy Peltzer), Phoebe Cates (Kate Beringer), Hoyt Axton (Rand Peltzer), Frances Lee McCain (Lynn Peltzer), Corey Feldman (Pete Fountaine), Dick Miller (Murray Fetterman), Howie Mandell (Gizmo), and Frank Welker (Stripe)

Spoiler alert: high

Cimmerian Week, part II: "And I suppose nothing hurts you." "Only pain!"

CONAN THE DESTROYER

Even though there are still things to love about this watered-down sequel, it's one damned hard comedown.

1984

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Gerry Conway, Roy Thomas, and Stanley Mann

With Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan), Tracey Walter (Malak), Mako Iwamatsu (Akiro the Wizard), Grace Jones (Zula), Olivia d'Abo (Princess Jehnna), Wilt Chamberlain (Bombaata), Pat Roach (Toth-Amon), Sarah Douglas (Queen Taramis), and Andre Rene Roussimoff (Dagoth)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Pywokinesis

FIRESTARTER

It turns out it's not actually as easy to make an awesome movie about psychic powers as BDP and Cronenberg made it look.

1984

Directed by Mark Lester

Written by Stanley Mann (based on the novel by Stephen King)

With Drew Barrymore (Charlie McGee), David Keith (Andy McGee), Heather Locklear (Vicky McGee, nee Tomlinson), Martin Sheen (Capt. Hollister), and George C. Scott (John Rainbird)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XII: Adventure has a name

INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM

Look, I know.  All right?  I know.

1984

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Willard Huyck, Gloria Katz, and George Lucas

With Harrison Ford (Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr.), Ke Huy Quan (Short Round), Kate Captshaw (Willie Scott), D.R. Nanayakkara (The Village Priest), Roy Chiao (Lao Tse), Roshan Seth (Prime Minister Chattar Lal), Raj Singh (Maharajah Zalim of Pankot), and Amrish Puri (Mola Ram)

Spoiler alert: you may well have seen this a hundred times—but you have at least seen it once

Robert Zemeckis, part IV: That was the end of Grogan—the man who killed my father, raped and murdered my sister, burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my Bible!

ROMANCING THE STONE

Zemeckis goes into the wilderness, and finds a sweet, believable love story where an adventure movie ought to be.

1984

Directed by Robert Zemeckis

Written by Diane Thomas

With Kathleen Turner (Joan Wilder), Michael Douglas (Jack "Trustworthy" Colton), Danny DeVito (Ralph), Zack Norman (Ira),and Manuel Ojeda (Col. Zolo)

Spoiler alert: mild 

John Carpenter, part XIII: It's a real executive production, all right

THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT

I'm sure if John freaking Carpenter couldn't make a workable movie out of it, then Stewart Rafill certainly can!  Right?

1984

Directed by Stewart Rafill

Written by Michael Janover, William Gray, Wallace C. Bennett, Don Jakoby, Stewart Rafill, and John Carpenter (super-uncredited) (sort-of based on the book The Philadelphia Experiment-Project Invisibility by Bill Moore and Charles Berlitz)

With Michael Pare (David Herdeg), Nancy Allen (Allison Hayes), Bobby Di Cicco (Jim Parker), and Eric Christmas (Dr. James Longstreet)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part XII: He'd like to come and meet us, but he's afraid he'd blow his load

STARMAN

Largely charming, this odd studio effort finds John Carpenter acquitting himself well—despite the necessity of operating pretty far outside of his comfort zone.

1984

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Bruce A. Evans, Raynold Gideon, Dean Riesner, Edward Zwick, Diane Thomas, and D.B. Cooper

With Karen Allen (Jenny Hayden), Jeff Bridges (The Starman), and Charles Martin Smith (Mark Evans)

Spoiler alert: mild

Judgment Week, part I: I love you, I always have

THE TERMINATOR

Robots killing humans just doesn't come much better than this.

1984
Directed by James Cameron
Written by Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher, and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Michael Biehn (Kyle Reese), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)

Spoiler alert: severe, like it matters