Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z: Get your stinking hands off me, you damn dirty human

PLANET OF THE APES

2001

Directed by Tim Burton

Written by William Boyles Jr., Lawrence Konner, and Mark Rosenthal

Spoilers: high

I was never a sex criminal in Texas

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Pain & Gain this is not, but I've seen worse backsliding in my day.  Transformers: Age of Extinction exists, and I would describe no individual stretch of the picture as unpleasant.  However, faint pleasure, experienced for a truly bludgeoning one hundred and sixty-five minutes, does not a gold-plated recommendation make.

2014
Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Ehren Kruger
With Mark Wahlberg (Cade Yeager) (lol), Nicola Peltz (Tessa Yeager), Jack Reynor (Shane Dyson), Kelsey Grammer (Harold Attinger), Stanley Tucci (Joshua Joyce), Bingbing Li (Su Yueming), Peter Cullen (Optimus Prime), Frank Welker (Galvatron), John Goodman (Hound), Ken Watanabe (Drift), John DiMaggio (Crosshairs), and Mark Ryan (Lockdown)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the gym

PAIN & GAIN

Admit it: if the Coens made this, you'd masturbate to it.  Okay, since Michael Bay made it, it is probably technically easier to actually masturbate to parts than it would be otherwise.

2013
Directed by Michael Bay
Written by Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely (based on the articles by Pete Collins)
With Mark Wahlberg (Daniel Lugo), Dwayne Johnson (Paul Doyle), Anthony Mackie (Adrian Doorbal), Tony Shaloub (Victor Pepe Kershaw), Bar Paly (Sorina Luminita), Rebel Wilson (Robin Peck), Ed Harris (Ed DuBois), Rob Corddry (John Mese), and Ken Jeong (Johnny Wu)

Spoiler alert: severe

@ Guns

2 GUNS

Without condoning or condemning, 2 Guns is certainly in theaters and you can buy tickets and everything.  It's a free country.

2013
Directed by Baltasar Kormakur
Written by Blake Masters (based on the comic by Steven Grant)
With Denzel Washington (Bobby Trench), Mark Wahlberg (Michael Stigman), Earl (Bill Paxton), Deb (Laura Patton), Edward James Olmos (Papi Greco), James Marsden (Quince)

Spoiler alert: mild