A prison movie: now only .17% references to sexual assault by volume!

ESCAPE PLAN

An all-star cast topped off by the biggest names in the action cinema of twenty thirty years ago bring to life this prison-escape-action-adventure-thriller, which feels like it was made fifty years ago: and there hasn't been a more simply pleasurable movie in a long, long time.

2013
Directed by Mikael Hafstrom
Written by Miles Chapman and Jason Keller
With Sylvester Stallone (Ray Breslin), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Emil Rottmayer), Jim Caviezel (Hobbes), Sam Neill (Dr. Kyrie), Vincent D'Onfrio (Lester Clark), Faran Tahir (Javed), Vinnie Jones (Drake), Amy Ryan (Abigail), and Fitty Cent (Hush)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Maybe remake The French Connection so Popeye isn't a huge racist instead

CARRIE

They're not even going to laugh at it, because Carrie doesn't have the decency to at least be an incompetent as well as unnecessary remake: merely bland in most respects, inferior in every single respect, and willing neither to innovate nor to truly plagiarize.

2013
Directed by Kimberly Peirce
Written by Lawrence D. Cohen and Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (based on the novel by Stephen King)
With Chloe Grace Moretz (Carrie White), Julianne Moore (Margaret White), Gabriella Wilde (Sue), Portia Doubleday (Chris), Judy Greer (Ms. Collins Desjardin), Ansel Elgort (Tommy), and Alex Russel (Billy)

Spoiler alert: seriously?

Man, this newest John Carpenter movie is disappointing

ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW

At about the 60 minute mark, Escape From Tomorrow proceeds to end.  It does so approximately 4.5 times, and it's only the half of an ending that is remotely satisfying.

2013
Written and directed by Randy Moore
With Roy Abramsohn (Jim), Elena Schuber (Emily), Katelynn Rodriguez (Sara), Jack Dalton (Eliot), Danielle Safady (Sophie), Annet Mahendru (Isabella), Alison Lees Taylor (Other Woman), Stass Klassen (Scientist)

Spoiler alert: moderate

The handheld camera is an enemy of all mankind

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS

I want to give Tom Hanks a big hug.  I want to give Barkhad Abdi a big sandwich.  I want to give Paul Greengrass a big open-mouthed kiss, right before I empty my stomach directly into his lungs.

2013
Directed by Paul Greengrass
Written by Billy Ray (based on the book A Captain's Duty by Richard Phillips and Stephan Talty)
With Tom Hanks (Richard Phillips), Barkhad Abdi (Muse), Faysal Ahmed (Najee), Barkhad Abdirahman (Bilal), Mahat M. Ali (Elmi), MV Alexander Maersk (MV Maersk Alabama), USS Truxtun DDG-103 (USS Bainbridge DDG-96), USS Wasp LHD-1 (USS Boxer LHD-4), USS Halyburton FFG-40 (herself), and Catherine Keener (Andrea Phillips)

Spoiler alert: N/A

No poets need apply

GRAVITY

This movie stopped me from suicidally ideating.

2013
Directed by Alfonso Cuaron
Written by Jonas Cuaron and Alfonso Cuaron
With Sandra Bullock (Ryan Stone), George Clooney (Matt Kowalski), and Ed Harris (as Mission Control?—hell, yeah!)

Spoiler alert: moderate