Beauty isn't everything, it's the only thing

THE NEON DEMON

Something this ravishing can be just as superficial as it wants—especially when superficiality is its whole damned point.

2016

Directed by Nicholas Winding Refn
Written by Mary Laws, Polly Stenham, and Nicholas Winding Refn
With Elle Fanning (Jesse), Charles Baker (Mikey), Keanu Reeves (Hank), Karl Glusman (Dean), Bella Heathcote (Gigi), Abbey Lee (Sarah), and Jena Malone (Ruby)

Spoiler alert: mild

What goes up, must come down

INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE

It resurges, all right, and then just slides slowly away...

2016

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin, Nicholas Wright, James A. Woods, James Vanderbilt, and Roland Emmerich

With Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson), Bill Pullman (Thomas J. Whitmore), Brent Spiner (Dr. Brakish Okun), Deobia Oparei (Dikembe Umbutu), Charlotte Gainsbourg (Catherine Marceaux), Maika Monroe (Patricia Whitmore), Liam Hemsworth (Jake Morrison), Jessie T. Usher (Dylan Hiller), Angelababy (Rain Lao), Travis Tope (Charlie Miller), Nicolas Wright (Floyd Rosenberg), Judd Hirsch (Julius Levinson), Vivica Fox (Jasmine Hiller), William Fichtner (Gen. Adams), and Sela Ward (Pres. Lanford)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Welcome to Earth

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Probably the best straight-up alien invasion film we've ever gotten—or, at the least, the most excessive—Independence Day will live forever.

1996

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

With Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson), Judd Hirsch (Julius Levinson), Bill Pullman (Pres. Thomas Whitmore), Mary McDonnell (First Lady Marilyn Whitmore), Robert Loggia (Gen. Grey), James Rebhorn (Sec. Def. Albert Nimziki), Mae Whitman (Patricia Whitmore), Margaret Colin (Constance Spano), Brent Spiner (Dr. Brakish Okun), Adam Baldwin (Maj. Mitchell), Randy Quaid (Russell Casse), Vivica Fox (Jasmine Dubrow), and Will Smith (Capt. Steven Hiller)

Spoiler alert: high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXV: Everyone will hate me, but at least I'll lose

BRIDGE OF SPIES

The story itself is just a little dull, so instead of talking about that, roughly half of this review is dedicated to the great/terrible cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski, Kaminski's undiagnosed compulsive disorder, and Spielberg's morally-unsound enabling behavior toward his poor DP.

2015

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Matt Charman, Ethan Coen, and Joel Coen

With Tom Hanks (James Donovan), Amy Ryan (Mary Donovan), Alan Alda (Thomas Watters, Jr.), Austin Stowell (Francis Gary Powers), Will Rogers (Frederic Pryor), and Mark Rylance (Rudolf Abel)

Spoiler alert: N/A

Note: this is a re-edited and slightly expanded version of a review written in February 2016, the major difference being that I've mildly softened in my visceral reaction to Kaminski's body of work—it helps that I've seen practically all of it condensed into a couple of months; but, never fear, my disgust has certainly not softened when it comes to his work in this film

Water, the source of all life

THE SHALLOWS

The Shallows wears the skin of one of my favorite movies, while feinting toward the substance of another, and if it doesn't reach the heights of either one, well, that's not its problem, because it's still the best treat of the season so far.

2016

Directed by Jaume Colett-Serra

Written by Anthony Jaswinski

With Blake Lively (Nancy) and Sully (Steven Seagull)

Spoiler alert: moderate

When they say, "The sun sucks," you just go, "Yeah, fuck the sun"

GODS OF EGYPT

I realize I have no actual right to be disappointed—I was warned, repeatedly, by everyone—but here we are, and disappointed I am.

2016

Directed by Alex Proyas

Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless

With Brenton Thwaites (Bek), Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Horus), Elodie Yung (Hathor), Chadwick Boseman (Thoth), Rachel Blake (Isis), Bryan Brown (Osiris), Geoffrey Rush (Ra), Emma Booth (Nephthys), Courtney Eaton (Zaya), Rufus Sewell (Urshu), Yaya Deng (Astarte), Abbey Lee (Anat), and Gerard Butler (Set)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cardboard Science: Take that, George Washington!

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Ray Harryhausen codifies alien invasion cinema with this sub-classic from the middle of the 1950s, tying in everything you thought you knew about UFOs into one spectacular package, gifted with some of the very best special effects of the whole era—though you routinely wish there were a whole lot more of them.

1956

Directed by Fred F. Sears

Written by Curt Siodmak, George Worthing Yates, and Bernard Gordon (based on the book Flying Saucers From Outer Space by Donald Keyhoe)

With Hugh Marlowe (Dr. Russell Marvin), Joan Taylor (Carol Marvin nee Hanley), Donald Curtis (Maj. Huglin), Morris Ankum (Brig. Gen. John Hanley), and Paul Frees (The Voice of the Saucermen)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Hello, I'm Sigourney Weaver

FINDING DORY

Pixar's back!  Yay?  Yes!  Yay!

2016

Directed by Andrew Stanton and Angus McClane

Written by Victoria Strouse, Bob Peterson, Angus McClane, and Andrew Stanton

With Ellen DeGeneres (Dory), Albert Brooks (Marlin), Hayden Rolence (Nemo), Ed O'Neil (Hank), Kaitlin Olson (Destiny), Ty Burrell (Bailey), Idris Elba (Fluke), Dominic West (Rudder), Diane Keaton (Jenny), and Eugene Levy (Charlie)

Spoiler alert: somewhere between moderate and high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXIV: For example, to prepare for the role of Abraham Lincoln, Day-Lewis was actually elected President of the United States

LINCOLN

As a history lesson, Lincoln is a worthwhile sit, even though it's a long one.  As a cinematic object, however, Lincoln is a decidedly flat experience.  It is elevated by its rarefied acting and interesting character work, but not to the point that you'll find me wholeheartedly recommending it; but then, movies about the political process are just about my least favorite thing in the world—so, please, consider that a disclosure of my bias.

2012

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Tony Kushner (based on the book Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

With Daniel Day-Lewis (Pres. Abraham Lincoln), Tommy Lee Jones (Rep. Thaddeus Stevens), David Strathairn (Sec. State William Seward), Sally Field (Mary Todd Lincoln), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Robert Lincoln), Gulliver McGrath (Tad Lincoln), James Spader (W.N. Bilbo), Lee Pace (Rep. Fernando Wood), and much, much more

Spoiler alert: he went to go see a nice play

Steven Spielberg, part XXXIII: Fantastic beasts and where to find them

WAR HORSE

Spielberg once again goes to war, and this time he brings a horse named Joey, whom you do slowly grow to love (even if you aren't very likely to love any of the hardly-glimpsed character sketches that surround him).

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis (based on the novel by Michael Morpurgo)

With Jeremy Irvine (Albert "Albie" Narracott), Emily Watson (Rose Narracott), Peter Mullan (Ted Narracott), Lyons (David Thewlis), Tom Hiddleston (Capt. James Nicholls), Benedict Cumberbatch (Maj. Jamie Stewart), and so on and so forth, there are an awful lot of people in the film, and also many horses

Spoiler alert: somewhere between moderate and high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXII: Blistering barnacles!

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN

Spielberg teams up with Peter Jackson for a throwback adventure into the past, rendered with all the tools of the future, and the film they made together is truly something to behold.

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright, and Joe Cornish (based on the comics by Herge)

With Jamie Bell (Tintin), Andy Serkis (Capt. Haddock), Nick Frost (Thompson), Simon Pegg (Thompson), Toby Jones (Mr. Silk), and Daniel Craig (Sakharine)

Spoiler alert: moderate

There's not enough garlic butter in the world

THE LOBSTER

Is it possible that 2016 might be an even worse year than 2015?  The Lobster affectlessly argues, "Yes."

2016

Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos

Written by Efthymis Fillipou and Yorgos Lanthimos

With Colin Farrell (David), Rachel Weisz (Short-Sighted Woman), Ben Whishaw (Limping Man), John C. Reilly (Lisping Man), Angeliki Papoulia (Heartless Woman), and Lea Seydoux (Loner Leader)

Spoiler alert: mild

Give my regards to King Tut, asshole

STARGATE

For preserving space opera between Return of the Jedi and The Fifth Element, Stargate absolutely deserves its cult.

1994

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

With James Spader (Dr. Daniel Jackson), Kurt Russell (Col. Jack O'Neill), Viveca Lindfors (Catherine Langford), John Diels (Lt. Kawalsky), French Stewart, for some reason (Lt. Ferretti), Mili Avital (Sha'uri), Alexis Cruz (Skaara), Erick Avari (Kasuf), Djimon Hounsou (Horus), Carlos Lauchu (Anubis), and Jaye Davidson (Ra)

Steven Spielberg, part XXXI: The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Hardly the travesty of the holy Original Trilogy that crybabies constantly say it is, the fourth Indy film is actually a rather fine adventure movie that does almost everything it does pretty damned well—but, unfortunately, does very little perfectly, which I'm afraid does set it decisively apart from its predecessors.

2008

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by David Koepp, Jeff Nathanson, and George Lucas

With Harrison Ford (Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr.), Shia LaBeouf (Henry "Mutt" Williams), Karen Allen (Marion Williams nee Ravenwood), John Hurt (Dr. Harold Oxley), Ray Winstone (George "Mac" McHale), and Cate Blanchett (Col. Dr. Irina Spalko)

Spoiler alert: you saw it, and you probably hated it

Cardboard Science: Do you think you'll be able to respect a husband that probably pulled the scientific boner of all time?

KRONOS

As we briefly pause in our retrospective on the science fiction of George Pal, let's instead take a glance at something a little lower-fi: namely, Kronos, the 1957 sub-classic that must be counted as one of its decade's most successful attempts at depicting a full-scale alien apocalypse.

1957

Directed by Kurt Neumann

Written by Lawrence Goldman and Irving Block

With Jeff Morrow (Dr. Leslie Gaskell), Barbara Lawrence (Vera Hunter), George O'Hanlon (Dr. Arnold Culver), and John Emery (Dr. Hubbell Eliot)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXX: But killing Palestinians isn't exactly cheap

MUNICH

Munich was its director's last masterpiece for a good long while, but a masterpiece it was nonetheless.  Whatever else, you still have to admit that taking on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict represented a somewhat braver thing than simply suggesting that the Holocaust was bad.  Plus, do you know how many cool explosions Schindler's List has?  That's right.  It has none.

2005

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth (based on the book Vengeance by George Jonas)

With Eric Bana (Avner Kaufman), Daniel Craig (Steve), Ciaran Hinds (Carl), Matthieu Kassowitz (Robert), Hanns Zischler (Hans), Matthieu Amalric (Louis), Michael Lonsdale (Papa), Geoffrey Rush (Ephraim), Omar Metwally (Ali), and Ayelet Zurer (Daphna Kaufman)

Spoiler alert: to the best of my knowledge, Israel never faced another terrorist attack again