We're all in the mood for a melody

GRAND PIANO

If Eugenio Mira's murderous musical thriller is not the single best film of 2014, then it could be a superlative year; if not amongst the ten best, then the cinema of 2014 may be so good it literally kills us.

2013 (them)/2014 (us)
Directed by Eugenio Mira
Written by Damien Chazelle
With our victims—Elijah Wood (Tom Selznick), Kerry Bishe (Emma Selznik), Don McManus (Norman Reisinger), Allen Leech (Wayne), and Tasmin Egerton (Ashley)—and our villains—Alex Winter (the Assistant) and John Cusack (apparently, "Clem")

Spoiler alert: high (I feel that it's more like moderate, but I am erring on the side of caution)

If Darth Vader had boobs, I guess it wouldn't actually change the story very much

300:  RISE OF AN EMPIRE

Not content to be the rotest and laziest sequel to a significant film in recent memory, 300: Rise of an Empire is also the dumbest, dullest, and ugliest depiction of cool history you could imagine as well.

2014
Directed by Noam Murro
Written by Zack Snyder and Kurt Johnstad (based on the comic Xerxes by Frank Miller)
With Eva Green (Artemisia), Rodrigo Santoro (Xerxes), and Sullivan Stapleton (Themistocles)

Spoiler alert: mild

Thank you for smoking

NON-STOP

A handsomely appointed locked-room mystery-thriller that could stand a tightened running time and a rather more engaged lead, but does deliver without a great deal of fuss.

2014
Directed by Jaume Collett-Serra
Written by Christopher Roach,  John W. Richardson, and Ryan Engle
With Liam Neeson (Bill Marks) and Julianne Moore (Jen Summers)

Spoiler alert: mild

Batman is the worst person I have ever met

THE LEGO MOVIE

Without falling victim to the awful traps its very premise sets for itself, The Lego Movie is largely devoid of the gimmricky, nonsensicality, and overwrought sentimentality one might have feared; instead, even if its philosophy of life is really very terribly suspect, it never fails to deliver it with intensely beautiful, genuinely funny, and sweetly moving verve.  Plus, if you add up all the jokes at his expense, it makes fun of Batman for like a full half hour, which would be worth a pass even if the other sixty minutes were literally blank screen.

2014
Directed by Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
Written by Dan Hageman, Kevin Hageman, Phil Lord, and Christopher Miller
With Chris Pratt (Emmet Brickowoski), Elizabeth Banks (Wyldstyle), Will Arnett (The Bat-Man), Allison Brie (Unikitty), Charlie Day (Benny), Morgan Freeman (Vitruvius), and Will Ferrell (Lord Business)

Spoiler alert: mild, rising to high with warning (or severe; see the second paragraph after the grade, but if you're extra-sensitive just go watch the movie as soon as you see that big bold "A", for Lego is superb)

May Stephen Stucker smile upon you, and never mention your weight

I'M SO EXCITED!
(Los amantes pasajeros)
 
In the main a supremely delightful comedy, undermined by a completely unrelated side-story that drains its once-seemingly infinite energy for an interminable 20 minutes, before being critically damaged when Almodovar, without much indication he knows what he's doing, plays a violent felony for laughs.

2013 Spain/2013 USA (the same year?  inconceivable!)
Written and directed by Pedro Almodovar
With Javier Camara (Joserra), Carlos Areces (Fajas), Raul Arevalo (Ulloa), Antonio de la Torre (Capt. Alex Acero), and Hugo Silva (Benito Moron)

Spoiler alert: mild

Now that's an odd choice for an X-Men solo film

THE BANSHEE CHAPTER

The Banshee Chapter is probably the scariest horror movie last year had to offer, and it accomplishes this triumph by—get this—actually being scary.  That must be why it seems so unfortunate that it is so seriously flawed.  As forgivable as the low-budget feature's lack of scope may be, the best things in life are still free—like acting choices that aren't insanely distracting.  But I can't help but recommend it, as both an entertaining frightener and as an invitation to google all the real-world creepy concepts which it so deftly ties together.

2013
Directed by Blair Erickson
Written by Daniel J. Healy and Blair Erickson
With Katia Winter (Anne Roland), Ted Levine (Thomas Blackburn), and Michael McMillan (James Hirsch)

Spoiler alert: moderate

These zombies are making me thirsty

WORLD WAR Z

An apocalyptic action horror science fiction fantasy thriller mystery thing, with practically no brains at all, but there is joy in all its unconscious pleasures, from its well-appointed set-pieces to its almost too-scathing social commentary to the most absurd and invasive yet shockingly appropriate piece of product placement of last year—and that's saying an awful lot.

2013
Directed by Marc Forster
Written by a lot of people, none of whom I wish to credit except Drew Goddard because I can remember his name offhand (based on the book by Max Brooks)
With Brad Pitt (Gerry Lane), Mireille Enos (Karin Lane), Fana Mokeona (Thierry Umutoni), Daniella Kertesz (Segen), and Peter Capaldi (WHO Doctor) (ugh)

Spoiler alert: severe