Judgment Week, part III: I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES

Piece of garbage or unacknowledged classic? Can it be both?

2003
Directed by Jonathan Mostow
Written by John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, and Tedi Sarafian
With Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Nick Stahl (John Connor), Claire Danes (Kate Brewster), and Kristanna Loken (The TX)

Spoiler alert: severe, because why bother without the best part?

Judgment Week, part II: Liquid metal

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

Robots killing humans only gets better than this when it's in space.

1991
Directed by James Cameron
Written by William Wisher and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Edward Furlong (John Connor), Joe Morton (Miles Dyson), and Robert Patrick (The T-1000)

Spoiler alert: severe, but seriously, come on

Judgment Week, part I: I love you, I always have

THE TERMINATOR

Robots killing humans just doesn't come much better than this.

1984
Directed by James Cameron
Written by Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher, and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Michael Biehn (Kyle Reese), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)

Spoiler alert: severe, like it matters

So Jungian

ROOM 237 (2012)

The famous horror movie about the IMDB forum that came to life.

THE NIGHTMARE (2015)

A documentary about sleep paralysis (and the unfathomable hallucinations that come with it) that is deeply effective at evoking the horror experienced by its sufferers, while having the certain side benefit of still not taxing its director too hard.

Spoiler alert for both films: N/A

There's the beef, part II: Am I your fire? Your one desire?

MAGIC MIKE XXL

Purely a cash-in but brutally honest about it, MMXXL seemed poised to deliver on all the sexy man gyrations said by blind people to be missing from the original.  Counterintuitively, it seizes on the hang-out comedy of the first instead, delivering a basically pleasant film, with few and mostly-backloaded dancing highlights.

2015
Directed by Gregory Jacobs
Written by Reid Carolin
With Channing Tatum ("Magic" Mike Lane), Mike Manganiello (Big Dick Richie), Matt Bomer (Ken), Adam Rodriguez (Tito), Kevin Nash (Tarzan), Gabriel Iglesias (Tobias), Donald Glover (Andre), Amber Heard (Zoe), and Jada Pinkett Smith (Rome)

Spoiler alert: mild

There's the beef, part I: It's an unbeatable market force

MAGIC MIKE

Fine backstage melodrama and phenomenal dance sequences, all set to a restless and ruthless economic elegy (as well as, occasionally, Ginuwine's "Pony").

2012
Directed by Steven Soderbegh
Written by Reid Carolin
With Channing Tatum ("Magic" Mike Lane), Alex Pettyfer (Adam, "The Kid"), Mike Manganiello (Big Dick Richie), Matt Bomer (Ken), Adam Rodriguez (Tito), Kevin Nash (Tarzan), Gabriel Iglesias (Tobias), Cody Horn (Brooke), Olivia Munn (Joanna), Jada Pinkett Smith (Rome), and Matthew McConaughey (Dallas)

Spoiler alert: high

Cardboard Science: Does your learned young friend always go on like this?

THE DEADLY MANTIS

The dullest movie about a giant mantis terrorizing America you're ever likely to see.

1957
Directed by Nathan Hertz Juran
Written by Martin Berkeley and William Alland
With Alix Talton (Marge Blaine), William Hopper (Dr. Nedrick "Ned" Jackson), and Craig Stevens (Col. Joe Parkman)

Spoiler alert: moderate