Volcano girls, we really can't be beat

AVATAR: FIRE AND ASH

2025

Directed by James Cameron

Written by Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, and James Cameron

Spoilers: high

The most dangerous thing about Pandora is that you might grow to love her too much

AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER

2022

Directed by James Cameron

Written by Josh Friedman, Shane Salerno, Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, and James Cameron

Spoilers: high

Cimmerian Week, part V: Hey, maybe all this movie needed was a beard, and a little eyeliner

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

It may not be entirely devoid of any good points, but taken as a whole, Conan the Barbarian '11 is just about as bad as a remake of a great film could ever get.

2011

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood

With Jason Momoa (Conan), Ron Perlman (Corin), Rachel Nichols (Tamara), Nonso Anozie (Artus), Said Taghmaoui (Ela-Shan), Rose McGowan (Marique), and Stephen Lang (Khalar Zym)

Spoiler alert: moderate

I'm not even ovulating, you idiot

DON'T BREATHE

Close to ideal for what it aims to be, most of the issues that Don't Breathe has comes from writing itself into a corner, then writing itself out with a sticky keyboard.  And let's call them issues, because "problems" might overstate the matter, simply because this movie's so nuts, and I'm terribly loath to condemn a preposterous thriller like this just for going nuts.  As for the rest of it, outside of one or two annoying characters and a yawning gap or two in its premise—hey, did you not see those two words, "preposterous thriller"?—but other than that, well.  It's damn near unimpeachable.

2016

Directed by Fede Alvarez

Written by Rodo Sayagues and Fede Alvarez

With Jane Levy (Rocky), Dylan Minnette (Alex), Daniel Zovatto (Money), and Stephen Lang (The Blind Man)

Spoiler alert: moderate? high?