Census Bloodbath: Jennifer's body

KILLER PARTY

It's October again!  And that means it's time for Kinemalogue's annual crossover with Brennan Klein's Popcorn Culture, which is still just about the best blog you could ever read, while Brennan has in the intervening year gone from "horror media expert" to "horror media professional."  So, just like last year, from now till Halloween, I'll be pretending to know what Brennan knows and reviewing some rad 80s slashers, while Brennan will review some swell 50s science fiction!  Let the mayhem begin!

1986

Directed by William Fruet

Written by Barney Cohen

With Joanna Johnson (Jennifer), Sherry Willis-Burch (Vivia), Elaine Wilkes (Phoebe), and Paul Bartel (Prof. Archibald Zito)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Census Bloodbath: How diabolic

 

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW

It's October again!  And that means it's time for Kinemalogue's annual crossover with Brennan Klein's Popcorn Culture, which is still just about the best blog you could ever read, while Brennan has in the intervening year gone from "horror media expert" to "horror media professional."  So, just like last year, from now till Halloween, I'll be pretending to know what Brennan knows and reviewing some rad 80s slashers, while Brennan will review some swell 50s science fiction!  Let the mayhem begin!

1983

Directed by Mark Rosman

Written by Bobby Fine and Mark Rosman

With Kathryn McNeil (Katherine), Eileen Davidson (Vicki), Janis Ward (Liz), Robin Meloy (Jeanie), Harley Jane Kozak (Diane), Jodi Draigie (Morgan), Ellen Dorsher (Stevie), Lois Kelso Hunt/Barbara Harris' voice (Mrs. Slater), and Christopher Lawrence (Dr. Beck)

Spoiler alert: high

John Carpenter, part VII: Follow the orange line to the processing area

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

The zeitgeisty classic that introduced the world to an iconic dickbag and crowned John Carpenter the king of the cult filmmakers.

1981

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Nick Castle and John Carpenter

With Kurt Russell (Snake Plissken), Donald Pleasence (The President), Harry Dean Stanton (Brain), Adrienne Barbeau (Maggie), Ernest Borgnine (The Cabbie), Lee Van Kleef (Police Comissioner Hauk), Tom Atkins (Security Chief Rehme), Charles Cyphers (The Secretary of State), Season Hubley (The Girl in Chock Full O' Nuts), Frank Doubleday (Romero), Isaac Hayes (The Duke of New York), and Jamie Lee Curtis (The Narrator)

Spoiler alert: mild

John Carpenter, part VI: Everything you see and know is built on the bodies and bones of those who came before

THE FOG

After all the sex murder of Halloween, John Carpenter's next project was as far away from the new-style slasher genre as anything could have been while still featuring impalements and eye-gouging.  But if you asked me, it was the great director's first unambiguously great movie.

1980
Written and directed by John Carpenter

With Adrienne Barbeau (Stevie Wayne), Hal Holbrook (Father Malone), Tom Atkins (Nick Castle), Jamie Lee Curtis (Elizabeth Solley), Charles Cyphers (Dan O'Bannon), Janet Leigh (Kathy Williams), John Houseman (Mr. Machen), and Rob Bottin (Blake)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part V: We're caught in a trap, but I can't walk out—because I love you too much, baby

ELVIS

I know a lot more about Elvis than I did before I watched this movie, and I care either the same amount, or less.

1979

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Anthony Lawrence

With Kurt Russell (Elvis Presley), Shelley Winters (Gladys Presley), Season Hubley (Priscilla Presley), Ribert Gray (Red West), Charles Cyphers (Sam Phillips), and Pat Hingle (Col. Tom Parker)

Spoiler alert: negligible

Census Bloodbath: Murder on the Boreal Express

TERROR TRAIN

It's October again!  And that means it's time for Kinemalogue's annual crossover with Brennan Klein's Popcorn Culture, which is still just about the best blog you could ever read, while Brennan has in the intervening year gone from "horror media expert" to "horror media professional."  So, just like last year, from now till Halloween, I'll be pretending to know what Brennan knows and reviewing some rad 80s slashers, while Brennan will review some swell 50s science fiction!  Let the mayhem begin!

1980

Directed by Roger Spottiswoode

Written by T.Y. Drake and Daniel Grodnik

With Jamie Lee Curtis (Alana), Ben Johnson (Conductor Carne), Hart Bochner (Doc), Sandee Currie (Mitchy), Timothy Webber (Mo), Anthony Sherwood (Jackson), Howard Busgang (Ed), David Copperfield (The Magician), and Derek McKinnon (Kenny Hampson)

Spoiler alert: severe

John Carpenter, part IV: The Shape of things to come

HALLOWEEN

One of the most influential pieces of popular culture ever made, Halloween is a how-to guide for its entire genre that, frankly, leaves me the slightest bit cold.

1978

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Debra Hill and John Carpenter

With Jamie Lee Curtis (Laurie Strode), Donald Pleasence (Dr. Samuel Loomis), Charles Cyphers (Sheriff Leigh Brackett), P.J. Soles (Lynda von der Klok), Nancy Loomis (Annie Brackett), John Michael Graham (Bob Simms), Brian Andrews (Tommy Doyle), Kyle Richards (Lindsey Wallace), and Nick Castle/Tony Moran/Will Sandin (Michael Myers)

Spoiler alert: essentially meaningless, but let's say "high"

John Carpenter, part III: When a stranger calls

SOMEONE'S WATCHING ME!

A thriller just tiny enough to fit inside one of those small cathode ray boxes we used to call "televisions."

1978

Written and directed by John Carpenter

With Lauren Hutton (Leigh Michaels), David Birney (Paul Winkless), Adrienne Barbeau (Sophie), and Charles Cyphers (Gary Hunt)

Spoiler alert: mild

In Mexico, sicario means boring—sorry! it's hitman, it means hitman

SICARIO

Denis Villeneuve returns with his best Hollywood effort yet—and if it sounds like I'm trying to damn it with faint praise, it's only because I am.

2015
Directed by Denis Villeneuve
Written by Taylor Sheridan
With Emily Blunt (Kate Macer), Daniel Kaluuya (Reggie Wayne), Josh Brolin (Matt Graver), and Benicio Del Toro (Alejandro)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part II: SUPPOR YOUR LOC POLIC

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13

Abstract art, a vague politicizing impulse, and lo-fi action all converge in John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13, and I mean that in a highly complimentary way.

1976

Written and directed by John Carpenter

With Austin Stoker (Lt. Ethan Bishop), Darwin Joston (Napoleon Wilson), Laurie Zimmer (Leigh), Tony Burton (Wells), Charles Cyphers (Officer Starker), Gilbert De Le Pena (the Chicano Warlord), Frank Doubleday (the White Warlord), James Johnson (the Black Warlord), and Al Nakuichi (the Oriental Warlord)

Spoiler alert: high

By this point, you'd think they'd be notorious

CRIMSON PEAK

Immaculately-designed boilerplate done extraordinarily well, Crimson Peak is as wonderful a Halloween treat as you could ask for—just don't expect any tricks to come with it, too.

2015
Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Written by Matthew Robins and Guillermo del Toro

With Mia Wasikowska (Edith Cushing), Tom Hiddleston (Sir Thomas Sharpe, Baronet Allerdale), Jessica Chastain (Lady Lucille Sharpe), Charlie Hunnam (Dr. Alan McMichael), and Jim Beaver (Carter Cushing)

Spoiler alert: mild

This is not heaven, it's the world—and there's troubles in it

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

A plea for tolerance that you think about more than you feel, and which you likely won't think about too hard, at that.  But you must admit, it is made with some truly awesome violence.

2005
Directed by Ridley Scott

Written by William Monohan

With Orlando Bloom (Balian), Liam Neeson (Baron Godfrey of Ibelin), Ed Norton (King Baldwin IV), Eva Green (Sybilla), Jeremy Irons (Tiberias), Marton Csokas (Guy de Lusignan), Brendan Gleeson (Raynald de Chatillon), Alexander Siddig (Imad), and Ghassan Massoud (Salah ad-Din)

Spoiler alert: you may or may not be surprised to learn that the Crusader state of Jerusalem no longer exists

I like these little calm moments before the storm

LEON

Would you believe that a Luc Besson movie has serious problems?  It's true!

1994

Written and directed by Luc Besson

With Jean Reno (Leon), Natalie Portman (Mathilda), and Gary Oldman (Stansfield)

Spoiler alert: moderate

John Carpenter, part I: In space, no one can hear you... surf?

DARK STAR

Sure, there's something going on here, but there's a reason why most student films aren't released to general audiences.

1974
Directed by John Carpenter
Written by Dan O'Bannon and John Carpenter
With Brian Narelle (Lt. Doolittle), Cal Kuniholm (Boiler), Dre Pahich (Talby), Dan O'Bannon (Pinback), Cookie Knapp (the Computer), Joe Saunders (Cmdr. Powell), and Adam Beckenbaugh (Bomb 20)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Buckle that swash, part VI: A variety of shades of brown—all in glorious Technicolor!

THE BLACK PIRATE

Very close to the ur-text of cinematic buccaneering and color photography alike, The Black Pirate is short, sweet—and even a little bit revolutionary.

1926

Directed by Albert Parker

Written by Jack Cunningham, Lotta Woods, Dr. Arthur Woods, and Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.

With Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (The Black Pirate), Billie Dove ("Princess" Isobel), Donald Crisp (MacTavish), Charles Belcher (The Nobleman), Anders Randolf (The Pirate Captain), and Sam De Grasse (The Pirate Lieutenant)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Buckle that swash, part V: Daddy, what did you do in the war?

DON Q, SON OF ZORRO

An acceptable offering of Fairbanksian whimsy—right smack in the middle of his personal bell curve.

1925
Directed by Donald Crisp
Written by Jack Cunningham and Lotta Woods (based on the novel Don Q's Love Story by Kate and Hesketh Prichard)
With Douglas Fairbanks (Don Cesar de Vega, and his father, Don Diego de Vega/Zorro), Mary Astor (Dolores de Muro), Jack McDonald (General de Muro), Warner Oland (Archduke Paul), Col. Matsado (Albert MacQuarrie), Jean Hersholt (Don Fabrique), and Donald Crisp (Don Sebastian)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Buckle that swash, part IV: The rarest treasure

THE THIEF OF BAGDAD

One of the silent form's most flawless beauties, this dream voyage through Arabian nights must be counted as the masterpiece of not only one but two great filmmakers—and even three, if you go so far as to count its director.

1924
Directed by Raoul Walsh

Written by James T. O'Donohoe, Lotta Woods, George Sterling, and Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (based on The Thief of Bagdad, by Achmed Abdullah, in turn based on 1001 Nights, by Arabia)

With Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (The Thief), Snitz Edwards (His Evil Associate), Julanne Johnston (The Princess), The Mongol Slave (Anna May Wong), Charles Belcher (The Holy Man), Brandon Hurst (The Caliph), The Prince of the Indies (Noble Johnson), The Prince of Persia (Mathilde Comont), and The Prince of the Mongols (Sojin Kamiyama)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Buckle that swash, part III: Men in tights, eventually

ROBIN HOOD

I know that silent films don't need to be slow or boring, and yet, sometimes, they are.

1922
Directed by Allan Dwan
Written by Douglas Fairbanks, Sr.
With Douglas Fairbanks, Sr. (The Earl of Huntingdon, afterwards Robin Hood), Wallace Beery (King Richard I the Lionheart), Sam De Grasse (Prince John), Paul Dickey (Sir Guy of Densborne), and Enid Bennett (Lady Marian Fitzwalter)

Spoiler alert: oh, get real

The Adventures of CrusoeBot 5000

THE MARTIAN

The Martian is STEM propaganda with an inhuman bent, but despite the weaknesses inherent in that description, it works.

2015
Directed by Ridley Scott
Written by Drew Goddard (based on the novel by Andy Weir)
With Matt Damon (Mark Watney), Jessica Chastain (Melissa Lewis), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Vincent Kapoor), Jeff Daniels (Terry Sanders), Kristen Wiig (Annie Montrose), Donald Glover (Rich Purnell), Mackenzie Davis (Mindy Park), Michael Pena (Rick Martinez), Kate Mara (Beth Johanssen), Sebastian Stan (Chris Beck), Aksel Hennie (Alex Vogel), and Benedict Wong (Bruce Ng)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cardboard Science: Descartes with the death ray eyes

THE COLOSSUS OF NEW YORK

The mind-body problem may be one of the biggest wastes of time in all philosophy—but it's a pretty great origin for a soulless mechanical monster.  The Colossus of New York remains one of the 1950s' most memorable science fiction films.

1958
Directed by Eugene Lourie
Written by Thelma Schnee and Willis Goldbeck
With John Baragray (Dr. Henry Spensser), Otto Kruger (Dr. William Spensser), Ross Martin (Dr. Jeremy Spensser), Mala Powers (Anne Spensser), Charles Hebert (Billy Spensser), Robert Hutton (Dr. John Carrington), and Ed Wolff (The Colossus)

Spoiler alert: moderate