Census Bloodbath: Everything louder than everything else

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II

No more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, no more days to Halloween, here's our crossover!  As if he needs any introduction, our friend Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture, as well as many other places these days, shall be taking on the task of reviewing three wholesome, edifying 1950s sci-fi films of the kind we so often do around here, while I review three slasher films straight from the pit of moral decay called the 1980s.

1987

Written and directed by Deborah Brock

With Crystal Bernard (Courtney), Kimberly McArthur (Amy), Juliette Cummins (Sheila), Heidi Kozak (Sally), Patrick Lowe (Matt), Scott Westmoreland (Jeff), Joel Hoffman (T.J.),and Atanas Ilitch (The Driller Killer)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Census Bloodbath: Thank you for your service?

THE PROWLER

Three more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, three more days to Halloween, here's our crossover!  As if he needs any introduction, our friend Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture, as well as many other places these days, shall be taking on the task of reviewing three wholesome, edifying 1950s sci-fi films of the kind we so often do around here, while I review three slasher films straight from the pit of moral decay called the 1980s.

1981

Directed by Joseph Zito

Written by Neal Barbera and Glenn Leopold

With Vicky Lawson (Pam MacDonald), Christopher Goutman (Deputy Mark London), Lisa Dunsheath (Sherry), David Sederholm (Carl), Cindy Weintraub (Lisa), Donna Davis (Ms. Allison), Lawrence Tierney (Maj. Chatham),and Farley Granger (Sheriff George Fraser)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Season of the bitch

HALLOWEEN

Another worthy entry in what's still the best slasher show, even if Halloween '18 bites off so much more than it can chew.

2018

Directed by David Gordon Green

Written by Danny McBride, Jeff Fradley, and David Gordon Green

With Jamie Lee Curtis (Laurie Strode), Andi Matichak (Allyson Nelson), Judy Greer (Karen Nelson nee Strode), and James Jude Courtney and Nick Castle (Michael Myers)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Well, I'd love to chat some more... but let's kill each other instead

THE NIGHT COMES FOR US

Does it count as breaking the Netflix Curse if all they did was distribute it?  Either way, The Night Comes For Us is high-test martial arts in the best Indonesian style, and one whole shitload of it, too (which is good, because it doesn't have a damned thing else to fall back on).

2018

Written and directed by Timo Tjahjanto

With Joe Taslim (Ito), Julie Estelle (The Operator), Abimanya Aryastya (Fatih), Zack Lee (White Boy Bobby), Dimas Anggara (Wisnu), Asha Kenyeri Bermudez (Reina), Revaldo (Yohan), Dian Sastrowardoyo (Alma), Hannah Al Rashid (Elena), and Iko Uwais (Arian)

Spoiler alert: mild

Walt Disney, part VI: "Because we never kill anything," said his mother simply

BAMBI

"The worst insult ever offered in any form to American sportsmen," said Raymond Brown, editor of Outdoor Life, in 1942, and that sounds like accurate enough praise to me, though it doesn't even sum up half of everything that's masterful about the final effort of Walt Disney's Golden Age.

1942

Directed by David Hand

Spoiler alert: she dies

The seasons pass, but the monsters stay

SUMMER OF 84

It holds nothing back, and for that Summer of 84 needs to be celebrated, rather than merely consigned to the increasingly-large pile of the 2010s' 1980s movies that aren't as good as the 1980s' 1980s movies.

2018

Directed by Francois Simard, Anouk Whissell, and Yoann-Karl Whissell
Written by Matt Leslie and Stephen J. Smith

With Graham Verchere (Davey Armstrong), Caleb Emery (Dale "Woody" Woodworth), Judah Lewis (Tommy "Eats" Eaton), Corey Gruter-Andrew (Curtis Farraday), Terry Skovbye (Nikki Kaszuba), and Rich Sommer (Wayne Mackey)

Spoiler alert: I think moderate, but arguably verging on high

Have you thought about, I don't know, actually learning how to farm?

APOSTLE

Another week.  Another film by a good director released on Netflix.  Another dud.

2018

Written and directed by Gareth Evans

With Dan Stevens ("Thomas Richardson"), Lucy Boynton (Andrea), Bill Milner (Jeremy), Kristine Froseth (Ffion), Paul Higgins (Frank), Mark Lewis Jones (Quinn), and Michael Sheen (Prophet Malcolm)

Spoiler alert: moderate

It's so [checks notes] bad

TURBO KID

It's shocking enough that Turbo Kid simply isn't obnoxious in its pandering (though pander it does, for 95 straight minutes), but, somehow, it's actually good.

2015

Written and directed by Francois Simard, Anouk Whissell, and Yoann-Karl Whissell

With Munro Chambers (The Kid), Laurence Leboeuf (Apple), Aaron Jeffery (Frederic), Edwin Wright (Skeletron), and Michael Ironside (Zeus)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Hello, stupid robot

NEXT GEN

The new cartoon from the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation looks pretty good—especially considering that it was made on software you can download for free—but unfortunately all it offers is an entire movie made out of Genuine People Personalities.

2018

Directed by Kevin R. Adams and Joe Ksander

Written by Wang Nima, Ryan K. Smith, Kevin R. Adams and Joe Ksander

With Charlyne Yi (Mai), John Krasinski (Project 77), Michael Pena (Momo), Constance Wu (Molly), David Cross (Dr. Tanner Rice and the Q-Bots) (what a terrible band name) and Jason Sudeikis (Justin Pin and Ares)

Spoiler alert: mild

A Jovian warrior sent forth from the eye of the storm

MANDY

Something raw and powerful, they don't often come as uncompromising as Mandy, which means that it's both something to be grateful for, and something to expect you'll have a whole lot of problems with.

2018

Directed by Panos Cosmatos

Written by Aaron Stuart-Ahn and Panos Cosmatos

With Nicolas Cage (Red), Andrea Riseborough (Mandy), Bill Duke (Caruthers), and Linus Roache (Jeremiah Sand)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Walt Disney, part V: How would you like being left out alone, in a cold, cruel, heartless world?

DUMBO

It's sentiment, cheaply, but Walt passes the savings on to you.

1941

Directed by Ben Sharpsteen

With Edward Brophy (Timothy Q. Mouse), Verna Felton (Mrs. Jumbo and the Elephant Matriarch), Cliff Edwards (Jim Crow) (yeesh), and Herman Bing (the Ringmaster)

Spoiler alert: an elephant flies