Alien Week, part V: The chariots of the gods

ALIEN VS. PREDATOR

AVP isn't exactly great, but is absolutely some brand of "good enough," and it's entirely impossible for me to understand how this is the one that wound up pissing everybody off.

2004

Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by Dan O'Bannon, Ronald Shusett, and Paul W.S. Anderson

With Sanaa Lathan (Alexa Woods), Lance Henriksen (Charles Bishop Weyland), Ian Whyte ("Scar"), and Tom Woodruff, Jr. ("Grid")

Spoiler alert: moderate

Alien Week, part IV: The blob

ALIEN: RESURRECTION

I reviewed a movie written by Joss Whedon without using the word "quip" once.  Worship me!

1997

Directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Written by Joss Whedon

With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Winona Ryder (Call), Michael Wincott (Elgyn), Ron Perlman (Johner), Gary Dourdan (Christie), Kim Flowers (Hillard), Dominique Pinon (Vriess), J.E. Freeman (Dr. Wren), Dan Hedaya (Gen. Perez), and Brad Dourif (Dr. Gediman)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Alien Week, part III: The planet of the vampires

ALIEN³

Well, I strongly doubt it's gotten any less tedious.

1992

Directed by David Fincher

Written by David Giler, Walter Hill, Larry Ferguson, and Vincent Ward

With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Charles Dance (Dr. Jonathan Clemens), and Charles S. Dutton (Dillon)

Spoiler alert: mild

Note: this is a slightly reworked review from my David Fincher retrospective, written two years back, which may explain why it's shorter (and no doubt better) than anything I manage to produce now; but the point, of course, is that if you thought I was going to actually watch this movie again, then the real joke, my friend, is on you

Alien Week, part II: The starship troopers

ALIENS

The great JC (the other one; no, the other other one) brings this franchise to its highest possible point.

1986

Written and directed by James Cameron

With Sigourney Weaver (Ellen Ripley), Michael Biehn (Cpl. Dwayne Hicks), Carrie Henn (Newt), Lance Henriksen (Bishop), Jenette Goldstein (Pvt. Vasquez), Bill Paxton (Pvt. Hudson), and Paul Reiser (Carter Burke)

Spoiler alert: get away from her, you bitch

Alien Week, part I: The terror from beyond space

ALIEN

As the film that kickstarted the whole cycle of sci-fi horror in the 1980s, we are forever in Alien's debt; and for being awesome in and of itself, we absolutely must pay it the respect it's due.  But, guys, sometimes a near-masterpiece can just be a near-masterpiece, and you don't need to give it full marks merely to recognize how important, or even how good, it actually is.

1979

Directed by Ridley Scott

Written by Dan O'Bannon, Ronald Shusett, David Giler, and Walter Hill

With Sigourney Weaver (Ripley), Tom Skerritt (Dallas), Veronica Cartwright (Lambert), John Hurt (Kane), Yaphet Kotto (Parker), Harry Dean Stanton (Brett), Ian Holm (Ash), Helen Horton (Mother), and Bolaji Badejo (the Alien)

Spoiler alert: joking, yes?

All that heaven allows (may, in fact, vary by jurisdiction)

THE GARDEN OF WORDS
(Kotonoha no Niwa)

Happy Mother's Day, I guess!  Here's maybe the best Japanese cartoon ever that isn't Death Note.

2013
Written and directed by Makoto Shinkai
With Miyu Irino/Patrick Poole (Takao Akizuki) and Kana Hanazawa/Maggie Flecknoe (Yukino Yukari)

Spoiler alert: moderate

"I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate," he said, to which the dashing rogue replied, slowly, "What's that make us?"

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2

Probably the most fun you'll have in a movie theater this summer—at least, as long as it's trying to be fun.  But then, there are those other parts.

2017

Written and directed by James Gunn

With Chris Pratt (Peter Quill), Zoe Saldana (Gamora), Dave Bautista (Drax), Bradley Cooper & Sean Gunn (Rocket), Vin Diesel (Groot), Pom Klementieff (Mantis), Michael Rooker (Yondu), Sean Gunn (Kraglin), Karen Gillan (Nebula), Elizabeth Debicki (Ayesha), and Kurt Russell (Ego)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Star-cross'd lovers

YOUR NAME.

(Kimi No Wa Na.)

Something this poorly-plotted shouldn't be nearly this great.  But here we are, and it is: breathtakingly beautiful and heartrendingly meaningful and so frustratingly, frustratingly imperfect.

2016 Japan/2017 USA

Written and directed by Makoto Shinkai

With Ryunosuke Kamiki (Taki) and Mone Kamishiraishi (Mitsuha)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Noah Baumbach presents Anne Hathaway in: Frances Ha vs. Mechagodzilla

COLOSSAL

A half-assed kaiju allegory that, by all the evidence, really wants to be about humans, but somehow only feels all the more clunkily mechanical for the effort.

2017

Written and directed by Nacho Vigalondo

With Anne Hathaway (Gloria), Dan Stevens (Tim), Tim Blake Nelson (Garth), Austin Stowell (Joel), and Jason Sudeikis (Oscar)

Spoilers: moderate