Cimmerian Week, part V: Hey, maybe all this movie needed was a beard, and a little eyeliner

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

It may not be entirely devoid of any good points, but taken as a whole, Conan the Barbarian '11 is just about as bad as a remake of a great film could ever get.

2011

Directed by Marcus Nispel

Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, and Sean Hood

With Jason Momoa (Conan), Ron Perlman (Corin), Rachel Nichols (Tamara), Nonso Anozie (Artus), Said Taghmaoui (Ela-Shan), Rose McGowan (Marique), and Stephen Lang (Khalar Zym)

Spoiler alert: moderate

A presence I've not felt since...

ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY

Wow, it really has been a good year for Disney, hasn't it?

2016

Directed by Gareth Edwards

Written by Chris Weitz, Tony Gilroy, John Knoll, and Gary Whitta

With Felicity Jones (Jyn Erso), Diego Luna (Cassian Andor), Alan Tudyk (K-2SO), Donnie Yen (Chirrut Imwe), Wen Jiang (Baze Malbus), Riz Ahmed (Bodhi Rook), Forest Whitaker (Saw Gerrera), Mads Mikkelsen (Galen Erso), Ben Mendelsohn (Orson Krennic), James Earl Jones (Darth Vader), and the Estate of Peter Cushing (Grand Moff Tarkin)

Spoiler alert: high

Cimmerian Week, part IV: And this story shall also be told

KULL THE CONQUEROR

Welcome to the unlegendary journeys.

1997

Directed by John Nicolella

Written by Charles Edward Pogue

With Kevin Sorbo (Kull), Karina Lombard (Zareta), Gary "Litefoot" Davis (Ascalante), Harvey Fierstein (Juba), Sven Ole-Thorson (King Borna), Thomas Ian Griffith (Taligaro), Edward Tudor-Pole (Enaros), and Tia Carerre (Akivasha)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cimmerian Week, part III: You're a brave girl, but danger is my trade!

RED SONJA

The legend of Conan continues without Conan, but not without Schwazenegger, and what we get is a bog standard fantasy-actioner that does nothing very well and nothing very poorly.  It is content, instead, to just exist.

1985

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser

With Brigitte Nielsen (Sonja), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kalidor), Ernie Reyes Jr. (Prince Tam), Paul L. Smith (Falkon), and Sandahl Bergman (Queen Gedren)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Super Week, Addendum: Leave this place, and do no harm!

SUPERGIRL

Now, what I said was, there was no such thing as a bad Superman movie—and it's a shame that it has to be phrased that misogynistically.  But here we are, and no matter how I phrase it, our return to Kryptonian cinema leads us to one of the most legendarily awful movies of the whole 1980s.

1984

Directed by Jeannot Szwarcz

Written by David Odell

With Helen Slater (Kara Zor-El/Linda Lee), Mia Farrow (Alura Zor-El), Peter O'Toole (Zaltar), Maureen Teefy (Lucy Lane), Hart Bochner (Ethan), Marc McClure (Jimmy Olsen), Brenda Vicarro (Bianca), Peter Cook (Nigel), and Faye Dunaway (Selena)

Spoiler alert: moderate