Friday, July 31, 2015

Judgment Week, part V: Men like you built the hydrogen bomb


The franchise does get worse, after all.

Directed by Alan Taylor
Written by Laeta Kalogridis and Patrick Lussier
With Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Emilia Clarke (Sarah Connor), Jason Clarke (John Connor), Jai Courtney (Kyle Reese), J.K Simmons (O'Brien), Byung-Hun Lee (a T-1000), and Matt Smith (Skynet)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Monday, July 27, 2015

If you want to bless me, you'll have to bless my bottom


The movie for the morbidly depressed yet deeply spiritual toddler in your life.

Directed by Martin Rosen and John Hubley
Written by Martin Rosen (based on the novel by Richard Adams)
With John Hurt (Hazel), Richard Briers (Fiver), Michael Graham Cox (Bigwig), Harry Andrews (Gen. Woundwort), and Zero Mostel (Kehaar)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The infinitesimal and the infinite


Delightfully pure adventure cinema is here, and if you ever had your doubts about Ant-Man, consider your dumb doubts dispelled.  Seriously, what was wrong with you?

Directed by Peyton Reed
Written by Edgar Wright, Joe Cornish, Adam McKay, and Paul Rudd
With Paul Rudd (Ant-Man), Michael Douglas (Dr. Hank Pym), Evangeline Lilly (Hope Van Dyne), Michael Pena (Luis), Bobby Cannavale (Paxton), Abby Ryder Forston (Cassie Lang), and Corey Stoll (Darren Cross)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Monday, July 20, 2015

Judgment Week, part IV: Pain can be controlled


The nadir of the franchise.  One hopes.

Directed by Joseph McGinty Nichol
Written by John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris
With Sam Worthington (Marcus Wright), Christian Bale (John Connor), Anton Yelchin (Kyle Reese), Moon Bloodgood (Blair Williams), Michael Ironside (Gen. Ashdown), and Helena Bonham Carter (Dr. Serena Kogan, and also Skynet, apparently)

Spoiler alert: severe

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Judgment Week, part III: I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do


Piece of garbage or unacknowledged classic? Can it be both?

Directed by Jonathan Mostow
Written by John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, and Tedi Sarafian
With Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Nick Stahl (John Connor), Claire Danes (Kate Brewster), and Kristanna Loken (The TX)

Spoiler alert: severe, because why bother without the best part?

Monday, July 13, 2015

Judgment Week, part II: Liquid metal


Robots killing humans only gets better than this when it's in space.

Directed by James Cameron
Written by William Wisher and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Edward Furlong (John Connor), Joe Morton (Miles Dyson), and Robert Patrick (The T-1000)

Spoiler alert: severe, but seriously, come on

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Judgment Week, part I: I love you, I always have


Robots killing humans just doesn't come much better than this.

Directed by James Cameron
Written by Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher, and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Michael Biehn (Kyle Reese), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)

Spoiler alert: severe, like it matters

Sunday, July 5, 2015

So Jungian

ROOM 237 (2012)

The famous horror movie about the IMDB forum that came to life.


A documentary about sleep paralysis (and the unfathomable hallucinations that come with it) that is deeply effective at evoking the horror experienced by its sufferers, while having the certain side benefit of still not taxing its director too hard.

Spoiler alert for both films: N/A

There's the beef, part II: Am I your fire? Your one desire?


Purely a cash-in but brutally honest about it, MMXXL seemed poised to deliver on all the sexy man gyrations said by blind people to be missing from the original.  Counterintuitively, it seizes on the hang-out comedy of the first instead, delivering a basically pleasant film, with few and mostly-backloaded dancing highlights.

Directed by Gregory Jacobs
Written by Reid Carolin
With Channing Tatum ("Magic" Mike Lane), Mike Manganiello (Big Dick Richie), Matt Bomer (Ken), Adam Rodriguez (Tito), Kevin Nash (Tarzan), Gabriel Iglesias (Tobias), Donald Glover (Andre), Amber Heard (Zoe), and Jada Pinkett Smith (Rome)

Spoiler alert: mild

Saturday, July 4, 2015

There's the beef, part I: It's an unbeatable market force


Fine backstage melodrama and phenomenal dance sequences, all set to a restless and ruthless economic elegy (as well as, occasionally, Ginuwine's "Pony").

Directed by Steven Soderbegh
Written by Reid Carolin
With Channing Tatum ("Magic" Mike Lane), Alex Pettyfer (Adam, "The Kid"), Mike Manganiello (Big Dick Richie), Matt Bomer (Ken), Adam Rodriguez (Tito), Kevin Nash (Tarzan), Gabriel Iglesias (Tobias), Cody Horn (Brooke), Olivia Munn (Joanna), Jada Pinkett Smith (Rome), and Matthew McConaughey (Dallas)

Spoiler alert: high

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Cardboard Science: Does your learned young friend always go on like this?


The dullest movie about a giant mantis terrorizing America you're ever likely to see.

Directed by Nathan Hertz Juran
Written by Martin Berkeley and William Alland
With Alix Talton (Marge Blaine), William Hopper (Dr. Nedrick "Ned" Jackson), and Craig Stevens (Col. Joe Parkman)

Spoiler alert: moderate