Welcome to Earth

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Probably the best straight-up alien invasion film we've ever gotten—or, at the least, the most excessive—Independence Day will live forever.

1996

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

With Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson), Judd Hirsch (Julius Levinson), Bill Pullman (Pres. Thomas Whitmore), Mary McDonnell (First Lady Marilyn Whitmore), Robert Loggia (Gen. Grey), James Rebhorn (Sec. Def. Albert Nimziki), Mae Whitman (Patricia Whitmore), Margaret Colin (Constance Spano), Brent Spiner (Dr. Brakish Okun), Adam Baldwin (Maj. Mitchell), Randy Quaid (Russell Casse), Vivica Fox (Jasmine Dubrow), and Will Smith (Capt. Steven Hiller)

Spoiler alert: high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXV: Everyone will hate me, but at least I'll lose

BRIDGE OF SPIES

The story itself is just a little dull, so instead of talking about that, roughly half of this review is dedicated to the great/terrible cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski, Kaminski's undiagnosed compulsive disorder, and Spielberg's morally-unsound enabling behavior toward his poor DP.

2015

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Matt Charman, Ethan Coen, and Joel Coen

With Tom Hanks (James Donovan), Amy Ryan (Mary Donovan), Alan Alda (Thomas Watters, Jr.), Austin Stowell (Francis Gary Powers), Will Rogers (Frederic Pryor), and Mark Rylance (Rudolf Abel)

Spoiler alert: N/A

Note: this is a re-edited and slightly expanded version of a review written in February 2016, the major difference being that I've mildly softened in my visceral reaction to Kaminski's body of work—it helps that I've seen practically all of it condensed into a couple of months; but, never fear, my disgust has certainly not softened when it comes to his work in this film

Water, the source of all life

THE SHALLOWS

The Shallows wears the skin of one of my favorite movies, while feinting toward the substance of another, and if it doesn't reach the heights of either one, well, that's not its problem, because it's still the best treat of the season so far.

2016

Directed by Jaume Colett-Serra

Written by Anthony Jaswinski

With Blake Lively (Nancy) and Sully (Steven Seagull)

Spoiler alert: moderate

When they say, "The sun sucks," you just go, "Yeah, fuck the sun"

GODS OF EGYPT

I realize I have no actual right to be disappointed—I was warned, repeatedly, by everyone—but here we are, and disappointed I am.

2016

Directed by Alex Proyas

Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless

With Brenton Thwaites (Bek), Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Horus), Elodie Yung (Hathor), Chadwick Boseman (Thoth), Rachel Blake (Isis), Bryan Brown (Osiris), Geoffrey Rush (Ra), Emma Booth (Nephthys), Courtney Eaton (Zaya), Rufus Sewell (Urshu), Yaya Deng (Astarte), Abbey Lee (Anat), and Gerard Butler (Set)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cardboard Science: Take that, George Washington!

EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS

Ray Harryhausen codifies alien invasion cinema with this sub-classic from the middle of the 1950s, tying in everything you thought you knew about UFOs into one spectacular package, gifted with some of the very best special effects of the whole era—though you routinely wish there were a whole lot more of them.

1956

Directed by Fred F. Sears

Written by Curt Siodmak, George Worthing Yates, and Bernard Gordon (based on the book Flying Saucers From Outer Space by Donald Keyhoe)

With Hugh Marlowe (Dr. Russell Marvin), Joan Taylor (Carol Marvin nee Hanley), Donald Curtis (Maj. Huglin), Morris Ankum (Brig. Gen. John Hanley), and Paul Frees (The Voice of the Saucermen)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Hello, I'm Sigourney Weaver

FINDING DORY

Pixar's back!  Yay?  Yes!  Yay!

2016

Directed by Andrew Stanton and Angus McClane

Written by Victoria Strouse, Bob Peterson, Angus McClane, and Andrew Stanton

With Ellen DeGeneres (Dory), Albert Brooks (Marlin), Hayden Rolence (Nemo), Ed O'Neil (Hank), Kaitlin Olson (Destiny), Ty Burrell (Bailey), Idris Elba (Fluke), Dominic West (Rudder), Diane Keaton (Jenny), and Eugene Levy (Charlie)

Spoiler alert: somewhere between moderate and high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXIV: For example, to prepare for the role of Abraham Lincoln, Day-Lewis was actually elected President of the United States

LINCOLN

As a history lesson, Lincoln is a worthwhile sit, even though it's a long one.  As a cinematic object, however, Lincoln is a decidedly flat experience.  It is elevated by its rarefied acting and interesting character work, but not to the point that you'll find me wholeheartedly recommending it; but then, movies about the political process are just about my least favorite thing in the world—so, please, consider that a disclosure of my bias.

2012

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Tony Kushner (based on the book Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln by Doris Kearns Goodwin)

With Daniel Day-Lewis (Pres. Abraham Lincoln), Tommy Lee Jones (Rep. Thaddeus Stevens), David Strathairn (Sec. State William Seward), Sally Field (Mary Todd Lincoln), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Robert Lincoln), Gulliver McGrath (Tad Lincoln), James Spader (W.N. Bilbo), Lee Pace (Rep. Fernando Wood), and much, much more

Spoiler alert: he went to go see a nice play