Bald thing, I think I love you

EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY

1988

Directed by Julien Temple

Written by Julie Brown, Terrence E. McNalley, and Charlie Coffey

Spoilers: moderate

Ice and snow

THOR: RAGNAROK

It falls into almost all of the usual Marvel movie traps—and then thrives within them anyway.

2017

Directed by Taika Waititi

Written by Eric Pearson, Craig Kyle, and Christopher Yost

With Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner), Tessa Thompson (the Valkyrie), Anthony Hopkins (Odin), Benedict Cumberbatch (Dr. Stephen Strange), Idris Elba (Heimdall), Tadanobu Asano (Hogun), Ray Stevenson (Volstagg), Zachary Levi (Fandral), Taika Waititi (Korg), Rachel House (Topaz), Jeff Goldblum (the Grandmaster), Clancy Brown (Surtur), Karl Urban (Skurge), and Cate Blanchett (Hela)

Spoiler alert: moderate

What goes up, must come down

INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE

It resurges, all right, and then just slides slowly away...

2016

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin, Nicholas Wright, James A. Woods, James Vanderbilt, and Roland Emmerich

With Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson), Bill Pullman (Thomas J. Whitmore), Brent Spiner (Dr. Brakish Okun), Deobia Oparei (Dikembe Umbutu), Charlotte Gainsbourg (Catherine Marceaux), Maika Monroe (Patricia Whitmore), Liam Hemsworth (Jake Morrison), Jessie T. Usher (Dylan Hiller), Angelababy (Rain Lao), Travis Tope (Charlie Miller), Nicolas Wright (Floyd Rosenberg), Judd Hirsch (Julius Levinson), Vivica Fox (Jasmine Hiller), William Fichtner (Gen. Adams), and Sela Ward (Pres. Lanford)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Welcome to Earth

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Probably the best straight-up alien invasion film we've ever gotten—or, at the least, the most excessive—Independence Day will live forever.

1996

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

With Jeff Goldblum (David Levinson), Judd Hirsch (Julius Levinson), Bill Pullman (Pres. Thomas Whitmore), Mary McDonnell (First Lady Marilyn Whitmore), Robert Loggia (Gen. Grey), James Rebhorn (Sec. Def. Albert Nimziki), Mae Whitman (Patricia Whitmore), Margaret Colin (Constance Spano), Brent Spiner (Dr. Brakish Okun), Adam Baldwin (Maj. Mitchell), Randy Quaid (Russell Casse), Vivica Fox (Jasmine Dubrow), and Will Smith (Capt. Steven Hiller)

Spoiler alert: high

Steven Spielberg, part XXII: If we so much as bend a blade of grass...

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

Sure it's awful, but you gotta laugh.

1997

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by David Koepp (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)

With Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcom), Julianne Moore (Dr. Sarah Harding), Vince Vaughn (Nick Van Owen), Vanessa Lee Chester (Kelly Curtis), Richard Attenborough (John Hammond), and Pete Postlethwaite (Roland Tembo)

Spoiler alert: high
Note: this is a re-edited version of a review posted in June 2015, to commemorate the release of the rather bad fourth film in the Jurassic Park series, Jurassic World.  Annoyingly, The Lost World somehow manages to be significantly worse than even its distant, degraded sequel.  (So thank God for Jurassic Park III, am I right?  That movie's a Goddamned pip!)

Steven Spielberg, part XX: Okay, some expense might have been spared

JURASSIC PARK

One of the strongest arguments for auteur theory there is, Jurassic Park is an undeniable classic, founded almost entirely upon the strength of its director's personality.  (Well, that, and the raddest dinosaur rampage ever seen up till that point in film history.)

1993
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by David Koepp and Michael Crichton (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)
With Sam Neill (Dr. Alan Grant), Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcolm), Laura Dern (Dr. Ellie Sattler), Ariana Richards (Lex Murphy), Joseph Mazzello (Tim Murphy), and Richard Attenborough (John Hammond)

Spoiler alert: moderate
Note: This is a re-redited version of a review posted in June 2015, to commemorate the release of the rather bad fourth film in the Jurassic Park series, Jurassic World.  But let's forget that, and go back to where it all began.

Jurassic Week, part II: If we so much as bend a blade of grass...

THE LOST WORLD: JURASSIC PARK

Sure it's awful, but you gotta laugh.

1997
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by David Koepp (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)
With Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcom), Julianne Moore (Dr. Sarah Harding), Vince Vaughn (Nick Van Owen), Vanessa Lee Chester (Kelly Curtis), Richard Attenborough (John Hammond), and Pete Postlethwaite (Roland Tembo)

Spoiler alert: high

Jurassic Week, part I: Some expense might have been spared

JURASSIC PARK

One of the strongest arguments for auteur theory there is, Jurassic Park is an undeniable classic, founded almost entirely upon the strength of its director's personality.

1993
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Written by David Koepp and Michael Crichton (based on the novel by Michael Crichton)
With Sam Neill (Dr. Alan Grant), Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Ian Malcolm), Laura Dern (Dr. Ellie Sattler), Ariana Richards (Lex Murphy), Joseph Mazzello (Tim Murphy), and Richard Attenborough (John Hammond)

Spoiler alert (as if it applied in the first place): moderate