Ice and snow

THOR: RAGNAROK

It falls into almost all of the usual Marvel movie traps—and then thrives within them anyway.

2017

Directed by Taika Waititi

Written by Eric Pearson, Craig Kyle, and Christopher Yost

With Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Mark Ruffalo (Bruce Banner), Tessa Thompson (the Valkyrie), Anthony Hopkins (Odin), Benedict Cumberbatch (Dr. Stephen Strange), Idris Elba (Heimdall), Tadanobu Asano (Hogun), Ray Stevenson (Volstagg), Zachary Levi (Fandral), Taika Waititi (Korg), Rachel House (Topaz), Jeff Goldblum (the Grandmaster), Clancy Brown (Surtur), Karl Urban (Skurge), and Cate Blanchett (Hela)

Spoiler alert: moderate

And the sixth element, it turns out, is poop

VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

The Death of Story continues, but Valerian offers more than story.  It gives us a heaping helping of gorgeously wonderful (and gloriously stupid) visuals, too.  You can call it good, if you want to; but it's sort of beyond that type of categorization.

2017

Written and directed by Luc Besson

With Dane DeHaan (Valerian), Cara Delevingne (Laureline), Sasha Luss (Princess Liho-Minaa), Rihanna (Bubble), Ethan Hawke (Jolly the Pimp), John Goodman (Igon Siruss), and Clive Owen (Commander Arun Filitt)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cimmerian Week, part III: You're a brave girl, but danger is my trade!

RED SONJA

The legend of Conan continues without Conan, but not without Schwazenegger, and what we get is a bog standard fantasy-actioner that does nothing very well and nothing very poorly.  It is content, instead, to just exist.

1985

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser

With Brigitte Nielsen (Sonja), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kalidor), Ernie Reyes Jr. (Prince Tam), Paul L. Smith (Falkon), and Sandahl Bergman (Queen Gedren)

Spoiler alert: moderate

When they say, "The sun sucks," you just go, "Yeah, fuck the sun"

GODS OF EGYPT

I realize I have no actual right to be disappointed—I was warned, repeatedly, by everyone—but here we are, and disappointed I am.

2016

Directed by Alex Proyas

Written by Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless

With Brenton Thwaites (Bek), Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (Horus), Elodie Yung (Hathor), Chadwick Boseman (Thoth), Rachel Blake (Isis), Bryan Brown (Osiris), Geoffrey Rush (Ra), Emma Booth (Nephthys), Courtney Eaton (Zaya), Rufus Sewell (Urshu), Yaya Deng (Astarte), Abbey Lee (Anat), and Gerard Butler (Set)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXV: I am! I was...

A.I.: ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE

The collision of two of cinema's all-time greatest artists results in a strange but intoxicating blend of aesthetics and attitudes, and as obnoxiously mixed-up as it sometimes gets, Spielberg pulls off something unique and wonderful and timeless.

2001

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Ian Watson, Brian Aldiss, and Steven Spielberg (based on the short story "Super-Toys Last All Summer Long" by Brian Aldiss)

With Haley Joel Osment (David), Jack Angel (Teddy), Jude Law (Gigolo Joe), Frances O'Connor (Monica Swinton), Sam Robards (Henry Swinton), Jake Thomas (Martin Swinton), Brendan Gleeson (Lord Johnson-Johnson), William Hurt (Prof. Allen Hobby), and Ben Kingsley (Narrationbot 4000)

Honestly, I'm not sure there's a time in living memory when America was particularly keen on the idea of jetpacks

THE ROCKETEER

The Rocketeer is entertainment that's as programmatic as it could possibly be, but (importantly) it is still entertaining.  (Plus Timothy Dalton is in it, and he was in Flash Gordon!)

1991
Directed by Joe Johnston
Written by Danny Bilson, Paul De Meo, and William Dear (based on the comic book by Dave Stevens)
With Billy Campbell (Cliff Secord), Jennifer Connelly (Jenny), Terry O'Quinn (Howard Hughes), Alan Arkin (Peevy), Paul Sorvino (Eddie Valentine), Tiny Ron (Lothar), and Timothy Dalton (Neville Sinclair)

Spoiler alert: high

The object is remarkable for an enormous persistent anticyclonic storm, swirling about the low-pressure zone at its center

JUPITER ASCENDING

Good or bad, I knew it would be weird.  What I couldn't have known was that the Wachowskis' weird could be so boring.

2015
Written and directed by Lana and Lilly Wachowski
With Mila Kunis (Jupiter Jones), Channing Tatum (Caine Wise), Eddie Redmayne (Balem Abrasax), Tuppence Middleton (Kalique Abrasax), and Douglas Booth (Titus Abrasax)

Spoiler alert: mild

This play's the thing

DEATHTRAP

Between Rope and Grand Piano, there was Deathtrap.

1982
Directed by Sidney Lumet
Written by Jay Presson Allen (based on the stageplay by Ira Levin)
With Michael Caine (Sidney Bruhl), Christopher Reeve (Clifford Anderson), Dyna Cannon (Myra Bruhl), Irene Worth (Helga van Dorp), and Henry Jones (Porter Milgrim)

Spoiler alert: mild

Like some kind of pale rider, I guess

NO NAME ON THE BULLET

We've seen his great science fiction; we've seen his great satirical thriller; now comes, at the end of the decade of his most abundant success, Jack Arnold's great philosophical Western.

1959
Directed by Jack Arnold
Written by Gene L. Coon and Howard Amacker
With Audie Murphy (John Gant), Charles Drake (Dr. Luke Canfield), Joan Evans (Anne Benson), Willis Bouchey (Sheriff Buck Hastings), and Edgar Stehli (Judge Benson)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Chris Pratt and the Infinity Watch

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

Great space opera, by the skin of its stupid, laughing, grinning teeth.

2014
Directed by James Gunn
Written by James Gunn and Nicole Perlman (based on the comic by Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning)
With Chris Pratt (Peter "Starlord" Quill), Zoe Saldana (Gamora), Vin Diesel (Groot), Bradley Cooper (Rocket), Dave Bautista (Drax the Destroyer), Lee Pace (Ronan the Accuser), Karen Gillan (Nebula), Josh Brolin (Thanos), and Benicio Del Toro (The Collector, whom a reasonable person would have believed would have been in the movie more, but gosh if he ain't great)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Turn on, tune in, and drop out of the audience quietly to see if you can get your money back

LUCY

Lucy is a movie that uses only 10% of its cinematic capacity, and I've graded it accordingly.

Written and directed by Luc Besson
With Scarlett Johansson (Lucy), Min-Sik Choi (Chiang), Amr Waked (Pierre Del Rio), and Morgan Freeman (Prof. Morgan Freeman)

Spoiler alert: mild

Of Mars and men

JOHN CARTER

Forgive me.  I didn't know.

2012
Directed by Andew Stanton
Written by Mark Andrews, Michael Chabon, and Andrew Stanton (based on the novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs)
With Taylor Kitsch (John Carter), Willem Dafoe (Tars Tarkas), Lynn Collins (Dejah Thoris), Samantha Morton (Sola), Mark Strong (Matai Shang), Dominic West (Sab Than), Bryan Cranston (Col. Powell), and Daryl Sabara (Ned)

Spoiler alert: high

Go home, white coward. We don't need you.

THE LONE RANGER

2013

Directed by Gore Verbinski

Written by Justin Haithe, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, and, one suspects, at least fifty others

With Johnny Depp (Tonto), Armie Hammer (John Reid, arguably some kind of Ranger), William Fichtner (Butch Cavendish), James Badge Dale (Dan Reid), Tom Wilkinson (Latham Cole)

When I sat down to write this review I accidentally typed The Long Ranger, and I’m tempted to just leave it at that.