Steven Spielberg, part XXXIII: Fantastic beasts and where to find them

WAR HORSE

Spielberg once again goes to war, and this time he brings a horse named Joey, whom you do slowly grow to love (even if you aren't very likely to love any of the hardly-glimpsed character sketches that surround him).

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Lee Hall and Richard Curtis (based on the novel by Michael Morpurgo)

With Jeremy Irvine (Albert "Albie" Narracott), Emily Watson (Rose Narracott), Peter Mullan (Ted Narracott), Lyons (David Thewlis), Tom Hiddleston (Capt. James Nicholls), Benedict Cumberbatch (Maj. Jamie Stewart), and so on and so forth, there are an awful lot of people in the film, and also many horses

Spoiler alert: somewhere between moderate and high

Steven Spielberg, part XXXII: Blistering barnacles!

THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN

Spielberg teams up with Peter Jackson for a throwback adventure into the past, rendered with all the tools of the future, and the film they made together is truly something to behold.

2011

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Steven Moffat, Edgar Wright, and Joe Cornish (based on the comics by Herge)

With Jamie Bell (Tintin), Andy Serkis (Capt. Haddock), Nick Frost (Thompson), Simon Pegg (Thompson), Toby Jones (Mr. Silk), and Daniel Craig (Sakharine)

Spoiler alert: moderate

There's not enough garlic butter in the world

THE LOBSTER

Is it possible that 2016 might be an even worse year than 2015?  The Lobster affectlessly argues, "Yes."

2016

Directed by Yorgos Lanthimos

Written by Efthymis Fillipou and Yorgos Lanthimos

With Colin Farrell (David), Rachel Weisz (Short-Sighted Woman), Ben Whishaw (Limping Man), John C. Reilly (Lisping Man), Angeliki Papoulia (Heartless Woman), and Lea Seydoux (Loner Leader)

Spoiler alert: mild

Give my regards to King Tut, asshole

STARGATE

For preserving space opera between Return of the Jedi and The Fifth Element, Stargate absolutely deserves its cult.

1994

Directed by Roland Emmerich

Written by Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich

With James Spader (Dr. Daniel Jackson), Kurt Russell (Col. Jack O'Neill), Viveca Lindfors (Catherine Langford), John Diels (Lt. Kawalsky), French Stewart, for some reason (Lt. Ferretti), Mili Avital (Sha'uri), Alexis Cruz (Skaara), Erick Avari (Kasuf), Djimon Hounsou (Horus), Carlos Lauchu (Anubis), and Jaye Davidson (Ra)

Steven Spielberg, part XXXI: The Old Indiana Jones Chronicles

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

Hardly the travesty of the holy Original Trilogy that crybabies constantly say it is, the fourth Indy film is actually a rather fine adventure movie that does almost everything it does pretty damned well—but, unfortunately, does very little perfectly, which I'm afraid does set it decisively apart from its predecessors.

2008

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by David Koepp, Jeff Nathanson, and George Lucas

With Harrison Ford (Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr.), Shia LaBeouf (Henry "Mutt" Williams), Karen Allen (Marion Williams nee Ravenwood), John Hurt (Dr. Harold Oxley), Ray Winstone (George "Mac" McHale), and Cate Blanchett (Col. Dr. Irina Spalko)

Spoiler alert: you saw it, and you probably hated it

Cardboard Science: Do you think you'll be able to respect a husband that probably pulled the scientific boner of all time?

KRONOS

As we briefly pause in our retrospective on the science fiction of George Pal, let's instead take a glance at something a little lower-fi: namely, Kronos, the 1957 sub-classic that must be counted as one of its decade's most successful attempts at depicting a full-scale alien apocalypse.

1957

Directed by Kurt Neumann

Written by Lawrence Goldman and Irving Block

With Jeff Morrow (Dr. Leslie Gaskell), Barbara Lawrence (Vera Hunter), George O'Hanlon (Dr. Arnold Culver), and John Emery (Dr. Hubbell Eliot)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXX: But killing Palestinians isn't exactly cheap

MUNICH

Munich was its director's last masterpiece for a good long while, but a masterpiece it was nonetheless.  Whatever else, you still have to admit that taking on the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict represented a somewhat braver thing than simply suggesting that the Holocaust was bad.  Plus, do you know how many cool explosions Schindler's List has?  That's right.  It has none.

2005

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth (based on the book Vengeance by George Jonas)

With Eric Bana (Avner Kaufman), Daniel Craig (Steve), Ciaran Hinds (Carl), Matthieu Kassowitz (Robert), Hanns Zischler (Hans), Matthieu Amalric (Louis), Michael Lonsdale (Papa), Geoffrey Rush (Ephraim), Omar Metwally (Ali), and Ayelet Zurer (Daphna Kaufman)

Spoiler alert: to the best of my knowledge, Israel never faced another terrorist attack again