Cardboard Science: But he had glimpsed a dark swooping patch overhead, lighted by gleams of fox-fire redder than the aurora glow, and had heard a flutter of thick wings and smelled a whiff of corruption tainting the clean air

THE GIANT CLAW

1957

Directed by Fred F. Sears

Written by Samuel Newman and Paul Gangelin

Spoilers: high

Hollowest Earth

GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE

2024

Directed by Adam Wingard

Written by Terry Rossio, Simon Barrett, Jeremy Slater, and Adam Wingard

Spoilers: moderate

Should General MacArthur be concerned? No, I don't mean about Godzilla

GODZILLA MINUS ONE

2023

Written and directed by Takashi Yamazaki

Spoilers: moderate

Jun Fukuda, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you

GODZILLA VS. KONG

2021

Directed by Adam Wingard

Written by Eric Pearson, Max Borenstein, Terry Rossio, Michael Dougherty, and Zach Shields

Spoiler alert: moderate

In other Godzilla news, this weird crap

GODZILLA: CITY ON THE EDGE OF BATTLE and

GODZILLA: THE PLANET EATER

Possibly the wrongest Godzilla has ever been, at the very least Gen Urobuchi's trilogy has proven itself admirably crazy—and outright insanity in pursuit of heavy-handed allegory is no vice. I think that's how the saying goes, right?

2018 and 2019, respectively

Directed by Kobun Shizuno and Hiroyuki Seshita

Written by Gen Urobuchi

Spoiler alert: moderate

Let them fight?

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS

Absurdly good monsters keep getting interfered with by mostly-mediocre humans, but damned if "absurdly good monsters" ain't good enough.

2019

Directed by Michael Dougherty

Written by Zach Shields and Michael Dougherty

Spoiler alert: not that this movie can in any way be meaningfully spoiled, but "moderate," for the sticklers

You blew it up

GODZILLA: PLANET OF THE MONSTERS

You want to say, "nice try," but shouldn't you have something better to say about something you liked than that?

2017

Directed by Kobun Shizuno and Hiroyuki Seshita

Written by Gen Urobuchi

With Mamoru Miyano (Capt. Haruo Sakaki), Takahiro Sakurai (Metphies), Junichi Suwabe (Mulu Elu Galu Gu), Tomokazu Sugita (Martin Lazarri), Daisuke Ono (Maj. Elliot Leland), and Kana Hanazawa (Yuko Tani)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Great ape

KONG: SKULL ISLAND

Who'd have guessed that the best movie of 2017 so far was the one about bouncing goofy visual gags off the side of a giant monster?  Actually, I had an inkling.

2017

Directed by Jordan Vogt-Roberts

Written by Dan Gilroy, Max Borenstein, Derek Connolly, and John Gatins

With Terry Notary and Toby Kebbell (Kong), John C. Reilly (Lt. Hank Marlow), Corey Hawkins (Houston Brooks), Jing Tian (San Lin), Tom Hiddleston (Capt. James Conrad), Brie Larson (Mason Weaver), John Ortiz (Victor Nieves), Jason Mitchell (WO Glenn Mills), Toby Kebbell (again) (Maj. Jack Chapman), Shea Whigham (Capt. Earl Cole), John Goodman (Bill Randa), and Samuel L. Jackson (Col. Preston Packard)

Spoiler alert: mild

Noah Baumbach presents Anne Hathaway in: Frances Ha vs. Mechagodzilla

COLOSSAL

A half-assed kaiju allegory that, by all the evidence, really wants to be about humans, but somehow only feels all the more clunkily mechanical for the effort.

2017

Written and directed by Nacho Vigalondo

With Anne Hathaway (Gloria), Dan Stevens (Tim), Tim Blake Nelson (Garth), Austin Stowell (Joel), and Jason Sudeikis (Oscar)

Spoilers: moderate

Cardboard Science: Do you think you'll be able to respect a husband that probably pulled the scientific boner of all time?

KRONOS

As we briefly pause in our retrospective on the science fiction of George Pal, let's instead take a glance at something a little lower-fi: namely, Kronos, the 1957 sub-classic that must be counted as one of its decade's most successful attempts at depicting a full-scale alien apocalypse.

1957

Directed by Kurt Neumann

Written by Lawrence Goldman and Irving Block

With Jeff Morrow (Dr. Leslie Gaskell), Barbara Lawrence (Vera Hunter), George O'Hanlon (Dr. Arnold Culver), and John Emery (Dr. Hubbell Eliot)

Spoiler alert: moderate

We've been eating Gamera, part VII: "I am beautiful—and I should rule the seas!"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle.

GAMERA VS. ZIGRA
(Gamera Tai Shintai Kaiju Jigura)

The Showa Era proper draws to a close—and perhaps none too soon.  Somewhere between a bang and a whimper, there is Gamera vs. Zigra.

1971
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Yasushi Sakagami (Ken Ishikawa) (yep), Gloria Zoellner (Helen Wallace), Osamu Saeki (Dr. Ishikawa), Koji Fujiyama (Dr. Wallace) (sure), and Eiko Yanami (Woman X)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part VI: Whistle while you DIE

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle.

GAMERA VS. JIGER
(Gamera Tai Daimaju Jaiga)

And here we are, at the beginning of the end.  Luckily it begins again in 1995, but we have some miles to go before we sleep.  On the plus (?) side, this is the one where Gamera gets raped.

1970
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Tsutomo Takakuwa (Hiroshi), Kelly Varis (Christopher), and Kon Omura (Dad)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part V: "Don't you believe in spaceships and spacemen?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GUIRON
(Gamera tai daikaiju Giron)

If anything even more childish than our previous outing, Guiron remains a pretty fun piece of pop cultural flotsam.

1969
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Umenosuke Izumi (Gamera), Nobuhiro Kajima (Akio), Christopher Murphy (Tom), Miyuki Akiyama (Tomoko), Kon Omura (Officer Kondo), Hiroko Kai (Barbella), Reiko Kasahara (Florbella)

Spoiler alert: high

Destroy all actors

GODZILLA

If you come in an hour late, you'll understand the movie just as much, and you may enjoy it more.  Otherwise, brace for a certain degree of boredom before Godzilla actually gets to anything you might have come to a Godzilla movie to see—but what sights they are.

2014
Directed by Gareth Edwards
Written by Max Borenstein and Dave Callaham
With Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Ford Brody), Ken Watanabe (Dr. Ichiro Serizawa), Sally Hawkins (Vivien Graham), Elizabeth Olsen (Elle Brody), Juliette Binoche (Sandra Brody), and Bryan Cranston (Joe Brody)

Spoiler alert: high (I think it's moderate, but reasonable minds may differ)

We've been eating Gamera, part IV: The film that makes you ask, "Did I have a stroke? Did I die?"

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. VIRAS
(Gamera Tai Uchu Kaiju Bairasu)

The most inutterably insane Gamera film of them all, it may be far from the turtle's best, but it is truly his single most essential.  It is not only so bad it's good, it is so fucked-up it's mind-altering.  No B-movie education can be called complete without reference to Gamera vs. Viras.

1968
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Toru Taktsuka (Kenny Masao), Carl Craig (Kenny? Jim), Kojiro Hongo (Scoutmaster Shimida), and Genzo Wakayama (The Voice of Boss)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part III: Tempted by the red mist

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. GAOS
(Daikaiju kuchusen: Gamera tai Gyaosu)

This is the turning point.  Gamera vs. Gaos brings it all: spectacular high-camp science fantasy; the franchise's most iconic foemonster; a new, improved Kenny; and a novel emphasis upon Gamera as the hero of his own movies.  But most importantly, it brings Noriaki Yuasa and Nisan Takahashi back to full control of their monster's destiny.  This is the definitive entry in the Showa series.

1967
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Naoyuki Abe (Kenny Eiichi Kanamura), Kojiro Hongo (Shiro Tsutsumi), Kichijiro Ueda (Tatsuemon Kanamura), Reiko Kasahara (Sumiko Kanamura), and Yoshiro Katahara (Dr. Aoki)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part II: That rainbow's bright

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA VS. BARUGON
(Daikaiju ketto: Gamera tai Barugon)

The first Gamera sequel demonstrates Noriaki Yuasa's growing competence in the special effects genre; to our regret, however, he only directed about a third of it.  The rest is credited to someone who had never made a monster movie before and, for reasons that will become clear, would never make another one again.

1966
Directed by Shigeo Tanaka
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Kojiro Hongo (Keisuke Hirata), Kyoko Anami (Karen), Koji Fujiyama (Onodera), Akira Natsuki (Ichiro Hirata), Yuzo Hawakawa (Kawajiri), and Teruo Aragaki (Gamera)

Spoiler alert: high

We've been eating Gamera, part I: "I dunno, sir, looks like a huge turtle made its appearance!"

 

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle. 

GAMERA: THE GIANT MONSTER
(Daikaiju Gamera)

A giant monster destroys Tokyo!  Stop me if you've heard this one.  But instead of standing for Japan's victimhood in the Pacific War, Gamera accidentally acknowledges responsibility for starting the war in the first place.  Well, maybe.  Anyway, just look at all the stuff they blow up!

1965
Directed by Noriaki Yuasa
Written by Nisan Takahashi
With Teruo Aragaki (Gamera), Eiji Funakoshi (Dr. Hidaka), Hirumi Kiratachi (Kyoko), Junishiro Yamashiko (Aoyagi), and Yoshiro Uchida (Kenny Toshio)

Spoiler alert: severe

We've been eating Gamera, part 0: Ever since I was a lower-case g

Gamera isn't the most important, or the most influential, or the most popular Japanese monster.  That just means the Guardian of the Universe may have to content himself with simply being the best.  This series of reviews is dedicated to my very favorite turtle.


Sure, thanks to MST3K, we've all probably seen the five Gamera movies they riffed twenty times apiece, but unlike the majority of the English-speaking world, my own first exposure to Gamera wasn't alongside Joel and the Bots.  Instead, an unhealthy fraction of my childhood was spent witnessing sweaty men in reptile costumes wrestle in front of an overcranked camera while Japanese people shouted badly-dubbed expository dialogue at each other in cutaway shots.

Too close for missiles, switching to giant robots

PACIFIC RIM

"These kaiju, if you insist on calling them that, suck."

2013
 Directed by Guillermo del Toro

Written by Guillermo del Toro and Travis Beacham

With Charlie Hunnam (Shinji Ikari), Rinko Kikuchi (Rei Ayanami), Idris Elba (Gendo Ikari), Robert Kazinsky (Asuka Soryu), Ron Perlman (Lilith), Max Marti

With Charlie Hunnam (Raleigh Becket), Rinko Kikuchi (Mako Mori), Rinko Kamuchi's shockingly beautiful bob haircut with bangs (itself), Idris Elba (Stacker Pentecost), Robert Kazinsky (Chuck Hansen), Max Martini (Herc Hansen), Charlie Day (Newton Geiszler), Burn Gorman (Gottleib), Ron Perlman (Hannibal Chau)

Spoiler alert: moderate