Super Week, part III: Superdick

SUPERMAN III

If for nothing else other than evening out the tone of the franchise, Superman III should be congratulated—even if it only got evened out in favor of idiotic hi-jinx.  The point is, at least it feels of a piece with itself, and that's some kind of improvement over the patchwork of Superman II.  Obviously, however, nobody in their right mind would ever describe it as an actual better movie.  Or would I?

1983
Directed by Richard Lester

Written by David Newman and Leslie Newman

With Christopher Reeve (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Annette O'Toole (Lana Lang), Jackie Cooper (Perry White), Marc McClure (Jimmy Olsen), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), Richard Pryor (Gus Gorman), Pamela Stephenson (Lorelei), Annie Ross (Vera Webster), and Robert Vaughn (Ross Webster)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Super Week, part II: So this is Planet Houston

SUPERMAN II

Notice how all my themed weeks take at least two to get finished?  That's what they call a "running gag."  Anyway, Superman II: charming in its crappiness.

1980

Directed by Richard Lester and Richard Donner
Written by Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, Robert Benton, and Tom Mankiewicz

With Christopher Reeve (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), Sussanah York (Lara Lor-Van), Jackie Cooper (Perry White), Ned Beatty (Otis), Valerie Perrine (Eve Teschmacher), and Sarah Douglas (Ursa), Jack O'Halloran (Non), and Terence Stamp (General Zod)

Spoiler alert: moderate

We killed you once already, damn you!

SAUSAGE PARTY

When a movie comes along that's this pointedly indifferent to one of its own central jokes, you just aren't going to wind up loving it; but that doesn't mean you can't still like it an awful lot, and respect the hell out of how well it handles its other central joke.  Can you handle your sex almost annoyingly juvenile, and your ultraviolence surprisingly awesome?  Because that's Sausage Party.

2016

Directed by Greg Tiernan and Conrad Vernon

Written by Kyle Hunter, Ariel Shaffir, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, and Evan Goldberg

With Seth Rogen (Frank), Kristen Wiig (Brenda), Jonah Hill (Carl), Michael Cera (Barry), Ed Norton (Sammy Bagel, Jr.), David Krumholtz (Kareem Abdul Lavash), Paul Rudd (Darren), James Franco (The Druggie), and Nick Kroll (Douche)

Spoiler alert: mild

Super Week, part I: Doomed planet, desperate scientists, last hope, kindly couple

SUPERMAN

The legend is reborn onscreen, and it's a wondrous thing, believing a man can fly.  But that doesn't mean that Superman holds up in every respect.

1978

Directed by Richard Donner

Written by Mario Puzo, David Newman, Leslie Newman, Robert Benton, and Tom Mankiewicz

With Christopher Reeve (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Marlon Brando (Jor-El), Susannah York (Lara Lor-Van), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), Jackie Cooper (Perry White), Valerie Perrine (Eve Teschmacher), Ned Beatty (Otis), and Gene Hackman (Lex Luthor)

Spoiler alert: if I spoil any of it for you, relax, we'll just go back in time to when you'd never read the review

Play "Freebird"!

SUICIDE SQUAD

Forget the hype!  Suicide Squad isn't the worst movie of the year.  No, sir: it merely sucks in all the ordinary ways.

Written and directed by David Ayer

With Will Smith (Floyd Lawton/Deadshot), Margot Robbie (Dr. Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn), Joel Kinnaman (Col. Rick Flag), Jai Courtney (Digger Harkness/Captain Boomerang), Jay Hernandez (Chato Santana/El Diablo), Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Waylon Jones/Killer Croc), Karen Fukuhara (Tatsu Yamashiro/Katana), Adam Beach (Christopher Weiss/Slipknot), Viola Davis (Amanda Waller), Jared Leto (The Joker), and Cara Delavingne (Dr. June Moone/Enchantress)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Yes, he died for your sins, too (but, if we're being honest, mostly Batman's)

BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

Well, let's leave aside the fact the sole good thing to come out of this movie's hilariously awful name is the subtitle of a Deadpool miniseries currently being published by Marvel ("The V is for VS"!).  Let's also leave aside all the grating little issues that seek to tear down the towering edifice of this film, one brick at a time.  Because if we do leave that aside, it's certainly the best superhero film of 2016 so far (including the one that came out today)—and by no small margin, too.

Directed by Zack Snyder

Written by Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer (with a lot of distant assistance from Frank Miller, Dan Jurgens, Louise Simonson, and Roger Stern, amongst others)

With Henry Cavill (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Ben Affleck (Bruce Wayne), Amy Adams (Lois Lane), Gal Godot (Diana of Themyscira), Jeremy Irons (Alfred Pennyworth), Laurence Fishburne (Perry White), Diane Lane (Martha Kent), and Jesse Eisenberg (Lex Luthor)

Spoiler alert: high

Content warning: this one clocks in at about 2900 words, because three years later, and I still can't talk about Superman at a length that wouldn't make any cognitively normal person run for the hills; does it help any if I say that it's also a long movie?

And then Vin Diesel shows up and KICKS HER ASS (just kidding, but that would've been more fun)

LIGHTS OUT

It provides a few solid, semi-scary visuals, but Lights Out is almost completely dysfunctional in every other respect, to the extent it doesn't even work upon the elementary level it's pitched at, which is nothing more than a container for those solid, semi-scary visuals.

2016

Directed by David Sandberg

Written by Eric Heisserer (based on the short film by David Sandberg)

With Teresa Palmer (Rebecca), Gabriel Bateman (Martin), Alexander DiPersia (Bret), Maria Bello (Sophie), Andi Osho (Emma), Billy Burke (Paul), and Alicia Vela-Bailey (Diana)

Spoiler alert: moderate