What can I say? I'm a spy

TRUE LIES

1994

Written and directed by James Cameron (based on the screenplay La Totale by Claude Zini, Simon Michaёl, and Didier Kaminka)

Spoilers: moderate

It's in your nature to destroy yourselves

TERMINATOR: DARK FATE

It's not quite the triumph one might have cautiously hoped for when they heard that both Cameron and Hamilton were coming back, but at least Terminator: Dark Fate still understands what the series was about in the first place.

2019
Directed by Tim Miller
Written by David Foyer, Justin Rhodes, Billy Ray, Charles H. Eglee, Josh Friedman, and James Cameron

Spoiler alert: moderate, though I suppose the movie itself would have it as "high"

Predator Week, part I: The most dangerous game

PREDATOR

Quite possibly the 1980s' finest combination of brains and brawn, you'd think Predator would be rated even higher than it already is.

1987

Directed by John McTiernan

Written by Jim Thomas, John Thomas, and David Peoples

With Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dutch), Carl Weathers (Dillon), Bill Duke (Mack), Richard Chaves (Poncho), Sonny Landham (Billy), Jesse Ventura (Cooper), Shane Black (Hawkins), Elpidia Carillo (Anna), and Kevin Peter Hall (the Predator)

Spoiler alert: we're all going to die

Cimmerian Week, part III: You're a brave girl, but danger is my trade!

RED SONJA

The legend of Conan continues without Conan, but not without Schwazenegger, and what we get is a bog standard fantasy-actioner that does nothing very well and nothing very poorly.  It is content, instead, to just exist.

1985

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser

With Brigitte Nielsen (Sonja), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kalidor), Ernie Reyes Jr. (Prince Tam), Paul L. Smith (Falkon), and Sandahl Bergman (Queen Gedren)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cimmerian Week, part II: "And I suppose nothing hurts you." "Only pain!"

CONAN THE DESTROYER

Even though there are still things to love about this watered-down sequel, it's one damned hard comedown.

1984

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Gerry Conway, Roy Thomas, and Stanley Mann

With Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan), Tracey Walter (Malak), Mako Iwamatsu (Akiro the Wizard), Grace Jones (Zula), Olivia d'Abo (Princess Jehnna), Wilt Chamberlain (Bombaata), Pat Roach (Toth-Amon), Sarah Douglas (Queen Taramis), and Andre Rene Roussimoff (Dagoth)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Cimmerian Week, part I: The riddle of steel

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Blessed with a director, a composer, and a team of designers all operating at the very height of their powers—and blessed further by a cast with all the right skills to pull this story off—Conan the Barbarian set fire to the box office back in '82, and it's no mystery why.

1982

Directed by John Milius

Written by Oliver Stone and John Milius

With Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan), Sandahl Bergman (Valeria), Gerry Lopez (Subotai), Mako Iwamatsu (The Wizard of the Mounds), William Smith (Conan's Father), Nadiuska (Conan's Mother), Max von Sydow (King Osric), Valerie Quenessen (Osric's Daughter, The Princess), Sven-Ole Thorsen (Thorgrim), Ben Davidson (Rexor), and James Earl Jones (Thulsa Doom)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Judgment Week, part III: I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES

Piece of garbage or unacknowledged classic? Can it be both?

2003
Directed by Jonathan Mostow
Written by John D. Brancato, Michael Ferris, and Tedi Sarafian
With Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Nick Stahl (John Connor), Claire Danes (Kate Brewster), and Kristanna Loken (The TX)

Spoiler alert: severe, because why bother without the best part?

Judgment Week, part II: Liquid metal

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY

Robots killing humans only gets better than this when it's in space.

1991
Directed by James Cameron
Written by William Wisher and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator), Edward Furlong (John Connor), Joe Morton (Miles Dyson), and Robert Patrick (The T-1000)

Spoiler alert: severe, but seriously, come on

Judgment Week, part I: I love you, I always have

THE TERMINATOR

Robots killing humans just doesn't come much better than this.

1984
Directed by James Cameron
Written by Gale Anne Hurd, William Wisher, and James Cameron
With Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor), Michael Biehn (Kyle Reese), and Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Terminator)

Spoiler alert: severe, like it matters

A prison movie: now only .17% references to sexual assault by volume!

ESCAPE PLAN

An all-star cast topped off by the biggest names in the action cinema of twenty thirty years ago bring to life this prison-escape-action-adventure-thriller, which feels like it was made fifty years ago: and there hasn't been a more simply pleasurable movie in a long, long time.

2013
Directed by Mikael Hafstrom
Written by Miles Chapman and Jason Keller
With Sylvester Stallone (Ray Breslin), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Emil Rottmayer), Jim Caviezel (Hobbes), Sam Neill (Dr. Kyrie), Vincent D'Onfrio (Lester Clark), Faran Tahir (Javed), Vinnie Jones (Drake), Amy Ryan (Abigail), and Fitty Cent (Hush)

Spoiler alert: moderate