This is nothing like Avatar! (Rating: mostly true)

HOPPERS

2026

Directed by Daniel Chong

Written by Jesse Andrews and Daniel Chong

Spoilers: moderate

Hamlet's bogus journey

SCARLET

2025

Written and directed by Mamoru Hosoda

Spoilers: moderate

Groovy, baby. Yeah.

LAST NIGHT IN SOHO

2021

Directed by Edgar Wright

Written by Krysty Wilson-Cairns and Edgar Wright

Spoilers: severe

00 Week: The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning

CASINO ROYALE

1967

Directed by John Huston, Ken Hughes, Val Guest, Joe McGrath, and Robert Parrish

Written by Wolf Mankowitz, John Law, Michael Sayers, Ben Hecht, Joseph Heller, Terry Southern, Billy Wilder, and Woody Allen ("based on" the novel by Ian Fleming)

Spoilers: high, I guess, but also largely meaningless

The clown is down: See, it's just a scary movie

ALL HALLOWS' EVE

2013

Written and directed by Damien Leone

Spoilers: moderate

We'll be right back

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL

2024

Written and directed by Colin Cairnes and Cameron Cairnes

Spoilers: moderate

American Gothic Week: It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea

NIGHT TIDE

1961

Written and directed by Curtis Harrington

Spoilers: moderate

Census Bloodbath: Sure burned my beans bad on that one

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE PART 2

The Eighth (oh God) Annual Great October Switcheroo!  Once again, we're crossing over with the wonderful Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture and sometimes Alternate Ending, and I'm doing some of the 80s slashers he's catalogued as part of his Census Bloodbath project, while he's doing some of the old-timey sci-fi I've been hoarding as part of my own Cardboard Science archive.  This year, he finally gave me three pieces of the slasher genre's major arcana, such as I've been very subtly and surreptitiously hinting that I'd like to do this whole time; in return, I accidentally gave him three pieces of indecent crap.  Oops!  (But, seriously, apologies.)

1986

Directed by Tobe Hooper

Written by L.M. Kit Carson

Spoiler alert: moderate

Disney's Challengers, part VI: And the streets are paved with cheese

AN AMERICAN TAIL

1986

Directed by Don Bluth

Written by David Kirschner, Judy Freudberg, and Tony Geiss

Spoiler alert: moderate

Moon blinked

OVER THE MOON

2020

Directed by Glen Keane and co-directed by John Kahrs

Written by Audrey Wells

Spoiler alert: moderate

G-d Week: For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.

THE PRODIGAL

1955

Directed by Richard Thorpe

Written by Maurice Zinn, Joseph Breen Jr., and Samuel James Larsen

Spoiler alert: inapplicable

Reviews from gulag: Everybody's gotta start somewhere

Sure: I have an affinity for the bigger side of filmmaking,  but it's nice sometimes to check in on the other side of the spectrum.  Or, you know, it's supposed to be.  Oh well: as The Simpsons once observed, it's their first day.  So let's take a look at three first films from 2019: Luz, Cosmos, and Paradise Hills.

LUZ (Tilman Singer)

I know I mention "running time" a lot in these reviews, and almost always in a negative way; I mean, there's a lot to complain about when it comes to the cinema of the 2010s, but to my mind there's not a single more terrible or more pervasive problem than the slow creep of runtimes that began in the 1990s and exploded into absurdity in the 2010s, as every blockbuster started extending itself past two hours, often for no good reason, and often far past two hours, with an eye toward three.  It's why it's such a joy when a movie like Crawl appears, clocking in at 89 minutes and hence obliging itself be mostly killer, not so much filler.  It also probably partially explains why I like cartoons so much, since they usually have some measure of restraint, due to their expense as well as their presumed audience of babies.

So, with nothing else to go on, Luz's 70 minute runtime seems like a selling point; it's easy to presume a movie that barely lasts an hour couldn't even have the time to be bad.  But that's not all we have to go on (I mean, I've seen it, so I have everything about it to go on, but bear with me here): let's assume further that we know that Luz is actually the 70 minute thesis project by German film studies graduate Tilman Singer.  This is where you observe, "Aren't student films usually short subjects?"  Yes.  Indeed they are.

#WalrusMaybe?

TUSK

One of the best and worst horror-comedies of the 2010s in a single 101 minute package.  Koo koo kachoo.

2014

Written and directed by Kevin Smith

Spoiler alert: moderate

Walt Disney, part XIII: Trees, underwear, and America

MELODY TIME

Great: another half-good, half-crap Disney package film.  Oh, Melody Time.  Whatever shall we do with you?

1948

Directed by Jack Kinney, Clyde Geronimi, Hamilton Luske, Wilfred Jackson, and William Morgan

Spoiler alert: moderate

Walt Disney, part X: Ain't no rule says a whale can't sing at the Met

MAKE MINE MUSIC

Though blessed with at least one genuine high point, and even a few good bits after that, for the most part this anthology isn't even up-and-down, it's mostly one single flat, boring line, spread across some of the most disposable animation in the whole Disney canon.

1946

Directed by Jack Kinney, Clyde Geronimi, Hamilton Luske, and Joshua Meador

Spoiler alert: moderate

The first superman couldn't fly

GLASS

M. Night Shyamalan's least bad movie in years.

2019

Written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan

Spoiler alert: highish, I guess, but nothing you'd be unlikely to figure out yourself

The wound may be where the light enters you, but isn't that kind of gross?

A WRINKLE IN TIME

Not the complete misfire it's been reported as, it's not exactly the best possible version of itself, either.

2018

Directed by Ava DuVernay

Written by Jeff Stockwell and Jennifer Lee (based on the novel by Madeleine L'Engle)

With Storm Reid (Meg Murry), Deric McCabe (Charles Wallace Murry), Levi Miller (Calvin O'Keefe), Chris Pine (Dr. Alex Murry), Gugu Mbatha-Raw (Kate Murry), Oprah Winfrey (Mrs. Which), Mindy Kaling (Mrs. Who), Reese Witherspoon (Mrs. Whatsit), Zach Galifianakis (the Happy Medium), Michael Pena (Red), and David Oyelowo (the IT)

Spoiler alert: moderate

You blew it up

GODZILLA: PLANET OF THE MONSTERS

You want to say, "nice try," but shouldn't you have something better to say about something you liked than that?

2017

Directed by Kobun Shizuno and Hiroyuki Seshita

Written by Gen Urobuchi

With Mamoru Miyano (Capt. Haruo Sakaki), Takahiro Sakurai (Metphies), Junichi Suwabe (Mulu Elu Galu Gu), Tomokazu Sugita (Martin Lazarri), Daisuke Ono (Maj. Elliot Leland), and Kana Hanazawa (Yuko Tani)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average

WONDER WOMAN

Wonder Woman, and all sorts of women, deserved better.

2017

Directed by Patty Jenkins

Written by Allan Heinberg, Jason Fuchs, and Zack Snyder

With Gal Gadot (Princess Diana of Themyscira), Chris Pine (Steve Trevor), Connie Nielsen (Queen Hippolyta), Robin Wright (Princess Antiope), David Thewliss (Sir Patrick Morgan), Danny Huston (Gen. d. Inf. Erich von Ludendorff), and Elena Anaya (Dr. "Poison" Maru)

Spoiler alert: high

Cimmerian Week, part III: You're a brave girl, but danger is my trade!

RED SONJA

The legend of Conan continues without Conan, but not without Schwazenegger, and what we get is a bog standard fantasy-actioner that does nothing very well and nothing very poorly.  It is content, instead, to just exist.

1985

Directed by Richard Fleischer

Written by Clive Exton and George MacDonald Fraser

With Brigitte Nielsen (Sonja), Arnold Schwarzenegger (Kalidor), Ernie Reyes Jr. (Prince Tam), Paul L. Smith (Falkon), and Sandahl Bergman (Queen Gedren)

Spoiler alert: moderate