The clown is down: See, it's just a scary movie

ALL HALLOWS' EVE

2013

Written and directed by Damien Leone

Spoilers: moderate

All that heaven allows (may, in fact, vary by jurisdiction)

THE GARDEN OF WORDS
(Kotonoha no Niwa)

Happy Mother's Day, I guess!  Here's maybe the best Japanese cartoon ever that isn't Death Note.

2013
Written and directed by Makoto Shinkai
With Miyu Irino/Patrick Poole (Takao Akizuki) and Kana Hanazawa/Maggie Flecknoe (Yukino Yukari)

Spoiler alert: moderate

The Worst Ten Films of 2013: or, better late than never, part III

There were 41 movies I'd readily describe as bad in 2013.  These are the picked turds.  These are the bottom ten.

The Top Ten Films of 2013: or, better late than never, part II

While there were 31 or so movies that left me genuinely happy in 2013, these are the ten best, that I will keep in my heart forever.  In reverse order, to add to the tension as you realize that movies you hated are even higher in my estimation than you thought.  Feel free to gnash your teeth.  It's a free country and they're your teeth!

2013 in review: or, better late than never, part I

Yes, I do know it's the end of March.  (Yes, I also know it's been a long time since I updated at all.)  I could make excuses—mostly bad ones, I'm afraid—or I could get on with it.  In a real out of character moment, I now opt for the latter.

These are the hundred films I watched in from 2013.  Each is followed by my further thoughts, in the case of films I have reviewed—all linked, for your convenience—or, in the case of films which I saw but shamefully failed to formally review, they are followed by slightly longer capsule reviews.  For surprise's sake, and to shorten this post at least a little, I have redacted the names of my favorite ten of 2013, as well as their inverse, the worst ten movies to be shat out upon on unwitting world last year.  They will all be revealed in the coming hours in separate posts of their own.  To keep you guessing, and in part out of my delusion that you care, I have however left their grades unhidden.

Whatever!  On with what turned out to be a largely mediocre show.  To paraphrase David Byrne, isn't it the same as it ever was?

(What's that, dear heart?  Oh, yes, it's a bit long—it is eighty fucking movies' worth.)

May Stephen Stucker smile upon you, and never mention your weight

I'M SO EXCITED!
(Los amantes pasajeros)
 
In the main a supremely delightful comedy, undermined by a completely unrelated side-story that drains its once-seemingly infinite energy for an interminable 20 minutes, before being critically damaged when Almodovar, without much indication he knows what he's doing, plays a violent felony for laughs.

2013 Spain/2013 USA (the same year?  inconceivable!)
Written and directed by Pedro Almodovar
With Javier Camara (Joserra), Carlos Areces (Fajas), Raul Arevalo (Ulloa), Antonio de la Torre (Capt. Alex Acero), and Hugo Silva (Benito Moron)

Spoiler alert: mild

Now that's an odd choice for an X-Men solo film

THE BANSHEE CHAPTER

The Banshee Chapter is probably the scariest horror movie last year had to offer, and it accomplishes this triumph by—get this—actually being scary.  That must be why it seems so unfortunate that it is so seriously flawed.  As forgivable as the low-budget feature's lack of scope may be, the best things in life are still free—like acting choices that aren't insanely distracting.  But I can't help but recommend it, as both an entertaining frightener and as an invitation to google all the real-world creepy concepts which it so deftly ties together.

2013
Directed by Blair Erickson
Written by Daniel J. Healy and Blair Erickson
With Katia Winter (Anne Roland), Ted Levine (Thomas Blackburn), and Michael McMillan (James Hirsch)

Spoiler alert: moderate

These zombies are making me thirsty

WORLD WAR Z

An apocalyptic action horror science fiction fantasy thriller mystery thing, with practically no brains at all, but there is joy in all its unconscious pleasures, from its well-appointed set-pieces to its almost too-scathing social commentary to the most absurd and invasive yet shockingly appropriate piece of product placement of last year—and that's saying an awful lot.

2013
Directed by Marc Forster
Written by a lot of people, none of whom I wish to credit except Drew Goddard because I can remember his name offhand (based on the book by Max Brooks)
With Brad Pitt (Gerry Lane), Mireille Enos (Karin Lane), Fana Mokeona (Thierry Umutoni), Daniella Kertesz (Segen), and Peter Capaldi (WHO Doctor) (ugh)

Spoiler alert: severe

Drink the purple drank

PRISONERS

A dour, realistic, and compelling investigation into the ethics and efficacy of torture, largely undone once the Joker escapes from Arkham.

2013
Directed by Dennis Villenueve
Written by Aaron Guzikowski
With Hugh Jackman (Keller Dover), Jake Gyllenhaal (Det. Loki), Paul Dano (Alex Jones), Terrence Howard (Franklin Birch), Viola Davis (Nancy Birch), David Dastmalchian (Bob Taylor), and Melissa Leo (Holly Jones)

Spoiler alert: high

The ocean is a desert with its life underground

ALL IS LOST

Robert Redford dies for a hundred minutes.  It's decent.

2013
Written and directed by J.C. Chandor
With Robert Redford and Scott Witherell (Our Man)

Spoiler alert: mild, but goes to severe with more than adequate warning

Ein volk!

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

This is the anti-Frances Ha: the story of a loser who loses, and everyone, including him, knows it.  Inside Llewyn Davis is a beautifully-acted, sharply-written, tragicomic study in wasting your life on a dream and how it is so tempting—and so terrible.

2013
Written and directed by Joel and Ethan Coen
With Oscar Isaac (Llewyn Davis), Carey Mulligan (Jean), Justin Timberlake (Jim), Ethan Phillips (Mitch Gorfein), John Goodman (Roland Turner), and Garrett Hedlund (Johnny Five)

Spoiler alert: moderate

A hunger game

WOULD YOU RATHER

A thrilling torture movie with Gothic flavor, Would You Rather, while not once suggesting an amateur production, is neither a product of true expertise.  But what is expert is a powerfully twisted performance from the vile one himself, Jeffrey Combs; and what the film does have going for it is a classic premise.  Through sheer scenario Would You Rather tells a compellingly sordid little tale of choices, their consequences, and... America?

2012 (jerks)/2013 (people like you and I)
Directed by David Guy Levy
Written by Steffan Schlachtenhauffen
With our villains—Jeffrey Combs (Shepard Lambrick), Jonny Coyne (Bevans), and Robin Taylor (Julian)—and our victims—Brittany Snow (Iris), Enver Djokaj (Lucas), Sasha Grey (Amy), Eddie Steeples (Cal), June Squibb (Linda), Charlie Hoffmeier (Travis), Logan Miller (Raleigh) and John Heard (Conway)

Spoiler alert: moderate

There's a rumor in St. Petersburg

SPRING BREAKERS

93 minutes of sound and fury signifying about 60 minutes of actual plot.  But between a heroic performance by James Franco, some inspired (let's say) physical acting by Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson, and fine cinematography, Spring Breakers is a more than worthwhile diversion, if you don't mind your hysterically socially conservative polemics delivered via a quasi-poetic, slightly-over-par gangster film.

2012 (them)/2013 (us)
Written and directed by Harmony Korine
With James Franco (Alien), Selena Gomez (Faith), Vanessa Hudgens (The Blonde One), Ashley Benson (The Other Blonde One), Rachel Korine (The One With Pink Hair), and Gucci Mane (Archie)

Spoiler alert: moderate

From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intention?

HER

Hard science fiction intersects with legitimate romance under the careful direction and only slightly less careful script of one Spike Jonze, and the result is one of 2013's best.

2013
Written and directed by Spike Jonze
With Joachim Jaoquim Hadouken Joaquin Phoenix (Theodore), Scarlett Johansson (Samantha), Amy Adams (Amy), Chris Pratt (Paul), Rooney Mara (Catherine), and Olivia Wilde (The Blind Date)

Spoiler alert: high

A parliament of rooks

THE HUNT
(Jagten)

Though it often feints toward genre territory, The Hunt never becomes the kind of movie it direly needs to be, and is, after a fashion, worse for it; yet it must be conceded that it explores its chosen themes more broadly (never deeply) by so rudely eschewing anything remotely resembling audience satisfaction.  So if you didn't know that a presumption of innocence is important for a just society and needed two hours of didactically cruel infotainment with one (1) cool fight scene to explain it, have I got the movie for you!

2012 Danmark/2013 USA

Directed by Thomas Vinterberg
Written by Tobias Lindholm and Thomas Vinterberg
With Mads Mikkelsen (Lucas), Thomas Bo Larsen (Theo), Annika Wedderkopp (Klara), Alexandra Rappaport (Nadja), and Lasse Fogelstrom (Marcus)

Spoiler alert: severe

2 Great 2 Gatsby

 
THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Aren't capitalism's excesses hilarious?  Good thing that in the second decade of the 21st century we're beyond all that, so now we can finally laugh!  Because, yes, they totally are.

2013
Directed by Martin Scorsese
Written by Terence Winter (based on the book by Adolf Hitler)
With Leonardo DiCaprio (Jordan Belfort), Jonah Hill (Donnie Azoff), Margot Robbie (Naomi Rapaglia), Kyle Chandler (Agent Patrick Denham), Rob Reiner (Max Belfort), Jean Dujardin (Jean Jacques Suarel), and Matthew McConaughey (Mark Hanna)

Spoiler alert: mild

Be a mensch... a human being!

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY

A movie that tells us to embrace life and adventure, but involves a guy more or less just doing his job, and talking to a woman for once (mostly about his job).  This may be the point, but it doesn't come off as a particularly interesting point the way it's made, and the dream sequences and brilliant landscape photography that accompany this too-simple, largely characterless story fail to illustrate or edify it in any deep way, although occasionally they do thrill in their own right.

2013
Directed by Ben Stiller
Written by Steve Conrad (based on the short story by James Thurber)
With Ben Stiller (Walter Mitty), Kristen Wiig (Cheryl Melhoff), Sean Penn (Sean O'Connell), and Shirley Maclaine (Fran Kubelik Edna Mitty)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Hope I die before I get old, but if I don't, kill me

NEBRASKA

Hahahahaha, mortality.

2013
Directed by Alexander Payne
Written by Bob Nelson
With Bruce Dern (Woody Grant), Will Forte (David Grant), Bob Odenkirk (Ross Grant), June Squibb (Kate Grant), and Stacy Keach (Ed Pegram)

Spoiler alert: mild

The day Hawaii bombed Japan?

47 RONIN

A lethargic if occasionally lovely slog through the legend of the forty-seven ronin, as tarted up by $175 million worth of Hollywood fantasy, and even though I know that I'm supposed to be totally offended by that, the fanciful nonsense parts are also by a huge margin the best parts.

2013
Directed by Carl Rinsch
Written by Chris Morgan, Hossein Amini, and Walter Hamada
With Keanu Reeves (Kai), Kikuchi Rinko (The Witch), Asano Todanobu (Kira), Shibasaki Ko (Rika), Sanada Hiroyuki (Oishi), Yanamoto Takato (The Fat One), Akanishi Jin (The Young One), Sogabe Hiroshi (The Mean One), and Zombie Boy (Sir Not Appearing In This Film)

Spoiler alert: severe

Earth vs. Rape

THE HOST

"Scenes of violence and sensuality" is MPAA code for "completely unacknowledged sexual assaults," so it's got that great Twilight flavor the kids can't get enough of.  But what does Andrew Niccol add to this crock of shit?  More than you'd think, more than this awful, baldly mercenary stab at box-office success deserved, or would ever reward; but when you look at the end result, you wonder how this movie could ever have these moments when it also has those moments.

2013
Written and directed by Andrew Niccol (based on the novel by Stephanie Meyer)
With Saoirse Ronan (Melanie Stryder/Wanderer), Diane Kruger (Seeker), William Hurt (Uncle Jeb), Chandler Canterbury (Jamie Stryder), Max Irons (Jared), and Jake Abel (Ian)

Spoiler alert: severe