Census Bloodbath: A boy's best friend is his mother

BLOOD RAGE

aka Slasher aka Nightmare at Shadow Woods

It wouldn't be October without Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture and Alternate Ending, and so I'm ecstatic to present our tenth annual Halloween Switcheroo, wherein I get to chew on some hunks of bloody meat from his field of expertise, the 80s slasher, while I throw him some wholesome stolid science heroism from the 50s.  This is an abbreviated year, which is a shame, and while all things will pass into the night—not this one, not yet.

1987

Directed by John Grissmer

Written by Bruce Rubin

Spoilers: moderate

Census Bloodbath: A true crime

RETURN TO HORROR HIGH

And once again we welcome you, to our October Switcheroo

Where Brennan Klein deigns to review nice old sci-fi, like I would do.

But pretending to alliance, Brennan sends me 80s violence!

Cardboard Bloodbath, Census Science, demands psychic realignment.

Oh we have fun—requisite links.  Here's hoping that not too much stinks.

Poetry blows, J. Slasherfan thinks. Give me TITS and DEATH, that's my kink!

1987

Directed by Bill Froelich

Written by Bill Froelich, Dana Escalante, Mark Lisson, and Greg H. Sims

The real Beverly Hills cop was the friends we made along the way

BEVERLY HILLS COP II

1987

Directed by Tony Scott

Written by Eddie Murphy, Robert D. Wachs, Larry Ferguson and Warren Skaaren

Spoilers: moderate

Red, red wine

RED SORGHUM

1987

Directed by Zhang Yimou

Written by Chen Jianyu and Zhu Wei (based on the stories "Red Sorghum" and "Sorghum Wine" by Mo Yan)

Spoilers: moderate

Census Bloodbath: They love blood. They love action. Not this talky, depressing, philosophical bullshit.

STAGEFRIGHT

(aka Deliria, aka Blood Bird, aka, for unknown reasons, Aquarius and/or Stagefright: Aquarius)

The SWITCHEROOOOO!  It's October, and that means it's time for Brennan Klein, of Popcorn Culture and Alternate Ending and Scream 101 and, above all, our hearts, to take on my usual and oft-shirked task of reviewing the Cardboard Science sci-fi schlock of a bygone era, while I get to luxuriate in the blood and guts of 80s slashers with his Census Bloodbath series, which he has been pursuing with diligent and perhaps disturbing obsession, lo these many years.

1987 (Italy)/1989 (USA)

Directed by Michele Soavi

Written by Luigi Montefiori and Sheila Goldberg

Spoiler alert: moderate verging on high

Census Bloodbath: Everything louder than everything else

SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II

No more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, no more days to Halloween, here's our crossover!  As if he needs any introduction, our friend Brennan Klein of Popcorn Culture, as well as many other places these days, shall be taking on the task of reviewing three wholesome, edifying 1950s sci-fi films of the kind we so often do around here, while I review three slasher films straight from the pit of moral decay called the 1980s.

1987

Written and directed by Deborah Brock

With Crystal Bernard (Courtney), Kimberly McArthur (Amy), Juliette Cummins (Sheila), Heidi Kozak (Sally), Patrick Lowe (Matt), Scott Westmoreland (Jeff), Joel Hoffman (T.J.),and Atanas Ilitch (The Driller Killer)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Predator Week, part I: The most dangerous game

PREDATOR

Quite possibly the 1980s' finest combination of brains and brawn, you'd think Predator would be rated even higher than it already is.

1987

Directed by John McTiernan

Written by Jim Thomas, John Thomas, and David Peoples

With Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dutch), Carl Weathers (Dillon), Bill Duke (Mack), Richard Chaves (Poncho), Sonny Landham (Billy), Jesse Ventura (Cooper), Shane Black (Hawkins), Elpidia Carillo (Anna), and Kevin Peter Hall (the Predator)

Spoiler alert: we're all going to die

Once a man... I was onccce a man!

G.I. JOE: THE MOVIE

Not all feature-length films about Hasbro toys are created equal, though Joe: The Movie certainly manages to have its moments.

1987

Directed by Don Jurwich

Written by Buzz Dixon and Ron Friedman and Hasbro

With Don Johnson (Lt. Falcon), Shuko Akune (Jinx), Michael Bell (Duke), Kene Holliday (Roadblock), William Callaway (Beach Head), Sgt. Slaughter (Sgt. Slaughter), Chris Latta (Cobra Commander), Arthur Burghardt (Destro), Morgan Lofting (The Baroness), Zack Hoffman (Zartan), Richard Gautier (Serpentor), Jennifer Darling (Pythona), and Burgess Meredith (Golobulus)

Spoiler alert: high

Census Bloodbath: A devil in a blue dress

HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II

1987

Directed by Bruce Pittman

Written by Ron Oliver

With Wendy Lyon (Vicki Carpenter), Justin Louis (Craig Nordham), Beth Gondek (Jess Browning), Beverly Hendry (Monica Waters), Brock Simpson (Josh), Terri Hawkes (Kelly Hennelotter), Richard Monette (Father Buddy Cooper), Michael Ironside (Principal Bill "Billy" Nordham), and Lisa Schrage (Mary Lou Maloney)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Joe Dante, part VIII: That's not a baby—that's a Mister Potato Head!

AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON

An inoffensive, indeed, often-pleasing curio from the deepest parts of the 1980s.

1987

Directed by John Landis, Carl Gottlieb, Peter Hoton, Robert K. Weiss, and Joe Dante

Written by Michael Barrie and Jim Mulholland

With "lots of actors," according to the opening title card, and I imagine you feel like reading a four-line list of performers almost as much as I feel like writing it

Spoiler alert: mild

Joe Dante, part VII: Adequate voyage

INNERSPACE

The less you expect out of this 80s-style extrapolation of a classic sci-fi trope, the more you're likely to enjoy it.

1987

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Jeffrey Boam and Chip Proser

With Dennis Quaid (Lt. Tuck Pendleton), Martin Short (Jack Putter), Meg Ryan (Lydia Maxwell), Henry Gibson (Mr. Wormwood), Wendy Shaal (Wendy), John Hora (Ozzie Wexler), Vernon Wells (Mr. Igoe), Fiona Lewis (Dr. Margaret Canker), Kevin McCarthy (Victor Scrimshaw), and Robert Picardo (The Cowboy)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Super Week, part IV: Global thermonuclear war

SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE

Bad?  Hell, maybe it is, by some half-imagined objective standard for what it means to be "good."  But Superman IV is the furthest thing from unwatchable, and remains to this day one of the most faithful adaptations of the idea of "the superhero comic book" as has ever been brought to the screen.

1987

Directed by Sidney J. Furie

Written by Lawrence Konner, Mark Rosenthal, and Christopher Reeve

With Christopher Reeve (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Margot Kidder (Lois Lane), Jackie Cooper (Perry White), Mariel Hemingway (Lacy Warfield), Sam Wanamaker (David Warfield), Jon Cryer (Lenny Luthor), Gene Hackman (Lex Luthor), and Mark Pillow/Gene Hackman (The Nuclear Man)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XV: I thought it was Mrs. Victor's soul, going up to heaven

EMPIRE OF THE SUN

Doubling down on the Oscarbait, we find our director continuing his turn toward subjects "more mature" than magical aliens or Nazi-killing archaeologists.  And yet the severity of Empire of the Sun is met by a director who appears to be as high as a kite on his own sense of whimsy.  Bizarrely, then, the actual result of this weird collision is also the first unambiguously great film the Serious Spielberg ever made.

1987

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Tom Stoppard and Menno Meyjes (based on the novel by J.G. Ballard)

With Christian Bale (James Graham), Emily Richard (Mary Graham), Rupert Frazer (John Graham), Miranda Richardson (Mrs. Victor), Peter Gale (Mr. Victor), Nigel Havers (Dr. Rawlins), Takataro Kataoka (The Boy Pilot), Masato Ibu (Sgt. Nagata), Joe Pantoliano (Frank), and John Malkovich (Basie)

Spoiler alert: high

John Carpenter, part XVI: Party like it's the year one nine nine nine

PRINCE OF DARKNESS

If only all movies about the Devil could be made with this much obvious joy.

1987

Written and directed by John Carpenter

With Victor Wong (Prof. Birack), Donald Pleasence (Father Loomis), Jameson Parker (Brian), Dennis Dun (Walter), Lisa Blount (Catherine), Anne Marie Howard (Susan), Ann Yen (Lisa), Jesse Lawrence Ferguson (Calder), Dirk Blocker (Mullins), Ken Wright (Lomax), Robert Grasmere (Frank), Thom Bray (Etchison), Peter Jason (Dr. Paul Leahy), Joanna Merlin (The Bag Lady) Alice Cooper (The Street Schizo), and Susan Blanchard (Kelly, and latterly Satan, Son of the Anti-God)

Spoiler alert: moderate

To protect the property and citizenry of the City of Chicago

THE UNTOUCHABLES

One of the quintessential examples of how the best thing a film can be about is itself, we have one of the 1980s' supreme action-thrillers, brought to your screen by the Master of the Macabre at his most eager-to-please.  Fully in line with the decade's troublesome politics as well as its embrace of the extremes of violence, The Untouchables is (honestly) all the better for it.

1987
Directed by Brian De Palma
Written by David Mamet (suggested by the book by Eliot Ness and Oscar Fraley)
With Kevin Costner (Eliot Ness), Sean Connery (Jim Malone), Charles Martin Smith (Oscar Wallace), Andy Garcia (George Stone), Billy Drago (Frank Nitti), and Robert De Niro (Al Capone)

Spoiler alert: moderate

A graveyard smash

THE MONSTER SQUAD

Amongst the finest kid's adventures of my childhood.  (That, sadly, I didn't get to see when I actually was a child, probably because it was too scary for my parents to reckon with, which is to say, "there's between one and two parts that are mildly startling"—yet they let me watch Temple?  Whatever, dude.)

1987
Directed by Fred Dekker
Written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker
With Andre Gower (Sean), Brent Chalem (Horace), Ryan Lambert (Rudy), Robby Kriger (Patrick), Michael Faustino (Eugene), Ashley Bank (Phoebe), Duncan Regehr (Count Dracula), Tom Noonan (Frankenstein's Monster), Jon Gries/Carl Thibault (The Desperate Man/The Wolfman), Michael MacKay (The Mummy), Tom Woodruff Jr. (The Gill-Man), Stephen Macht (Del), Stan Shaw (Det. Sapir), and Leonard Cimino (Scary German Guy)

Spoiler alert: moderate