Walt Disney, part LXIV: At least I saw the wild before it disappeared

THE WILD

2006

Directed by Steve "Spaz" Williams

Written by Mark Gibson, Philip Halprin, Ed Decter, and John J. Strauss

Spoilers: moderate

The chrysanthemums are all ready—they deserve to bloom once

THE CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER

2006

Directed by Zhang Yimou

Written by Zhihong Bian and Zhang Yimou (based, loosely, on the play Thunderstorm by Cao Yu)

Spoiler alert: moderate

A man walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world, maybe it's the third world, maybe it's his first time around

RIDING ALONE FOR THOUSANDS OF MILES

2005 PRC/2006 USA

Directed by Zhang Yimou

Written by Zou Jingzhi and Zhang Yimou

Spoiler alert: moderate

Darren Aronofsky, part IV: Death is the road to awe

THE FOUNTAIN

This is what actual art looks like, and hardly anybody even recognized it at the time.  Honestly, it figures.

2006

Directed by Darren Aronofsky

Written by Dr. Ari Handel and Darren Aronofsky

With Hugh Jackman (Dr. Tommy Creo/Tomas/Tom), Rachel Weisz (Izzi Creo/Queen Isabella I of Castille and Leon), Mark Margolis (Fray Avila), and Ellen Burstyn (Dr. Lillian Guzetti)

Spoiler alert: moderate

On mass-murder considered as one of the fine arts, part II

DEATH NOTE

Part Two of a review of my very favorite TV cartoon.  (Part One can be found here.)

2006-2007

Directed by Tetsuro Araki

Written by Toshiki Inoue et al (based on the comic by Tsuhumi Obha and Takeshi Obata)

With Kappei Yamaguchi/Alessandro Juliani (L), Noriko Hikada/Cathy Weseluck (Near), Nozomo Sasaki/David Robert (Mello), Naoya Uchida/Chris Britton (Soichiro Yagami), Ryo Naito/Vincent Tong (Touta Matsuda), Kimiko Saito/Colleen Wheeler (Rem), Shido Nakamura/Brian Drummond (Ryuk), Issei Futamata/Andrew Kavadas (Kyosuke Higuchi), Masaya Mazukaze/Kirby Morrow (Teru Mikami), Musumi Okamura/Heather Doerksen (Kiyomi Takada), Aya Hirano/Shannon Chan-Kent (Misa Amane), and Mamoru Miyano/Brad Swaile (Light Yagami)

Spoiler alert: severe (no, seriously)
Content warning: unsupportably long even as a two-part piece, but as a hyperindulgent birthday present to myself, that is also several weeks late, could it even get any more "me"?

On mass-murder considered as one of the fine arts, part I

DEATH NOTE

Like it needs an introduction?  Part One of a review of my very favorite TV cartoon.  (Part Two can be found here.)

2006-2007

Directed by Tetsuro Araki

Written by Toshiki Inoue et al (based on the comic by Tsuhumi Obha and Takeshi Obata)

With Kappei Yamaguchi/Alessandro Juliani (L), Noriko Hikada/Cathy Weseluck (Near), Nozomo Sasaki/David Robert (Mello), Naoya Uchida/Chris Britton (Soichiro Yagami), Ryo Naito/Vincent Tong (Touta Matsuda), Kimiko Saito/Colleen Wheeler (Rem), Shido Nakamura/Brian Drummond (Ryuk), Issei Futamata/Andrew Kavadas (Kyosuke Higuchi), Masaya Mazukaze/Kirby Morrow (Teru Mikami), Musumi Okamura/Heather Doerksen (Kiyomi Takada), Aya Hirano/Shannon Chan-Kent (Misa Amane), and Mamoru Miyano/Brad Swaile (Light Yagami)

Spoiler alert: severe (no, seriously)
Content warning: unsupportably long even as a two-part piece, but as a hyperindulgent birthday present to myself, that is also several weeks late, could it even get any more "me"?

Joe Dante, part XIV: How about that? Turns out voter fraud was real!

HOMECOMING (Masters of Horror, season 1, episode 6)

2005

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Sam Hamm (based on the short story "Death and Suffrage" by Dale Bailey)

With Jon Tenney (David Murch), Thea Gill (Jane Cleaver), and Robert Picardo (Kurt Rand)

THE SCREWFLY SOLUTION (Masters of Horror, season 2, episode 7)

2006

Directed by Joe Dante

Written by Sam Hamm (based on the short story by Alice Sheldon)

Written Kerry Norton (Anne Alstein), Jason Priestley (Alan Alstein), Elliot Gould (Barney), and Brenna O'Brien (Amy Alstein)

Spoiler alert for both: moderate

Super Week, part V: This is an imaginary story... Aren't they all?

SUPERMAN RETURNS

Personally, I adore it, but wouldn't it have been improved by a giant mechanical spider?  (If not, then how about a pair of better actors in the lead roles?  No?)

2006

Directed by Bryan Singer

Written by Dan Harris, Michael Dougherty, and Bryan Singer

With Brandon Routh (Clark Kent/Kal-El), Kate Bosworth (Lois Lane), James Marsden (Richard White), Tristan Lake Leabu (Jason White), Frank Langella (Perry White), Sam Huntington (Jimmy Olsen), Marlon Brando's digital ghost (Jor-El), Parker Posey (Kitty Kowalski), and Kevin Spacey (Lex Luthor)

Spoiler alert: high

John Carpenter, part XXVII: Hey, it's not quite the absolute end of the world—but we're getting there!

CIGARETTE BURNS (Masters of Horror, season 1, episode 8)

Carpenter returns to meta-horror—and, in the process, proves that sometimes you really can't go home again.

2005

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan

With Norman Reedus (Kirby Sweetman), Udo Kier (Bellinger), and Gwynyth Walsh (Katja)

PRO-LIFE (Masters of Horror, season 2, episode 5)

Carpenter takes on a politically-charged siege film, winds up with boneheaded supernatural horror, and you have to ask, "How the heck did that happen?"

2006

Directed by John Carpenter

Written by Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan

With Caitlin Wachs (Angelique Burcell), Mark Feuerstein (Dr. Alex O'Shea), Emmanuelle Vaugier (Kim), Bill Dow (Dr. Kiefer), and Ron Perlman (Dwayne Burcell)

Spoiler alert: moderate

It's the Mesoamerican way

KINGS OF THE SUN (1963)

Directed by J. Lee Thompson
Written by Elliott Arnold and James R. Webb
With Yul Brynner (Chief Black Eagle), George Chakiris (King Balam), and Shirley Anne Field (Ixchel)

APOCALYPTO (2006)

Directed by Mel Gibson
Written by Farhad Sarfinia and Mel Gibson
With Rudy Youngblood (Jaguar Paw), Dalia Hernandez (Seven), Morris Birdyellowhead (Flint Sky), Jonathan Brewer (Blunted), Raoul Trujillo (Zero Wolf), Gerardo Taracena (Middle Eye), and Ricardo Diaz Mendoza (Cut Rock)

Spoiler alert: moderate for Apocalypto, high for Kings of the Sun

Impossible Week, part III: I'll die unless you kill me!

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III

You've laughed, you've cried, and you've seen them fall in love—but can Ethan and Julia Hunt survive the world's worst honeymoon?  Tune in and find out.

2006
Directed by J.J. Abrams
Written by Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, and J.J. Abrams
With Tom Cruise (Ethan Hunt), Michelle Monaghan (Julia Hunt), Ving Rhames (Luther Stickell), Keri Russell (Lindsey Farris), Maggie Q (Zhen Lei), Jonathan Rhys Davies (Declan Gormley), Simon Pegg (Benji Dunn), Billy Crudup (John Musgrave), Laurence Fishburne (Theodore Brassel), and Philip Seymour Hoffman (Owen Davian)

Spoiler alert: severe

Ron's heartworm medication, part II

HARRY POTTER AND THE ____________
Directed by Chris Columbus (1-2), Alfonso Cuaron (3), Mark Newell (4), and David Yates (5-8)
Written by Steve Klove (1-4, 6-8) and Michael Goldenburg (5) (based on the novels by J.K. Rowling)
With the population of Britain—Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione Granger), Rupert Grint (Ron Weasly), Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy), Richard Harris (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 1), Michael Gambon (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 2), Robbie Coltrane (Rubeus Hagrid), Alan Rickman (Prof. Severus Snape), Kenneth Branagh (Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart), Gary Oldman (Sirius Black), David Thewlis (Prof. Remus Lupin), Brendon Gleeson (Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody), Jim Broadbent (Prof. Horace Slughorn), Timothy Spall (Wormtail), Maggie Smith (Prof. Minerva MacGonacle), Imelda Staunton (Dolores Umbridge), Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix Lestrange), Warwick Davis (various), and Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort)

Spoiler alert: I'm trying to keep it at moderate—God alone knows whom for—but it will unavoidably slip into high in regards the later films

There'll be hamburgers on the plane

INSIDE MAN

The ne plus ultra of the heist genre.

2006
Directed by Spike Lee
Written by Russel Gewirtz
With Clive Owen (Dalton Russell), Denzel Washington (Det. Keith Frazier), Jodie Foster (Madeleine White), Willem Dafoe (John Darius), Christopher Plummer (Arthur Case), Chiwetel Ejiofor (Det. Bill Mitchell), Carlos Andres Gomez (Steve), Kim Director (Stevie), James Ransone (Steve-O), Bernard Rachelle (Chaim), a ton of other folks (various), and New York City (itself)

Spoiler alert: severe—and "high" for The Anderson Tapes

Catching up with the (super) classics of horror, part III: We're having an adventure, just like the Goonies!

THE DESCENT

2005 (The United Tyranny)/2006 (Freedomland)
Written and directed by Neil Marshall
With Shauna Macdonald (Sarah), Natalie Mendoza (Juno), Alex Reid (Beth), Saskia Mulder (Rebecca), Myanna Buring (Sam), and Nora-Jane Noone (Holly)

We've all missed movies that we should've seen.  Here are three of mine, that might surprise you.

Spoiler alert: high

Dispassionately and exactingly ranking the films of Christopher Nolan by their utilitarian value, nos. 3-1

The Internet asks, "Is Christopher Nolan the greatest director alive?"  And the answer is, "No, of course he's not.  Are you high?"  But if the question were, instead, "Is Chris Nolan the most consistently excellent director working today?", there are nine films to consider, and the answer might be quite different.  (Okay, the point is, I marathoned his movies, and now you're just going to have to deal with it.)

Spoiler alert: well, I don't spoil Interstellar, anyway