Walt Disney, part LX: All the old romance, retold exactly in the ancient way

TREASURE PLANET

2002

Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker

Written by Rob Edwards, Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Ron Clements, and John Musker (based on the novel Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson)

Spoilers: high (though it's also, you know, Treasure Island)

Walt Disney, part LIX: This is my family, I found it all on my own; it's little, and broken, but still good

LILO & STITCH

2002

Written and directed by Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois

Spoilers: high

Towering with you

THE PLACE PROMISED IN OUR EARLY DAYS

2004

Written and directed by Makoto Shinkai

Spoilers: moderate (also discussed, Shinkai's early short films, 1999's "She and Her Cat" and 2002's "Voices of a Distant Star")

Darren Aronofsky, part III: Hoodoo horseshit

BELOW

You'd think it would be way easier to set a horror movie on a submarine than the results of Below seem to indicate.

2002

Directed by David Twohy

Written by Lucas Sussman, Darren Aronofsky, and David Twohy

With Matthew Davis (Ens. Douglas Odell), Olivia Williams (Claire Page), Zach Galifianakis (Wally), Jason Flemyng (Stumbo), Scott Foley (Lt. (j.g.) Stephen Coors), Holt McCallany (Lt. Paul Loomis), and Bruce Greenwood (Lt. Brice)

Spoiler alert: moderate

Steven Spielberg, part XXVII: Who am I here?

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

As a piece of very minor Spielberg, Catch Me If You Can certainly has its charms—but it has so much fewer of them than you'd have every right in the world to expect.  And thus it avoids high-pitched fun, yet it disdains any really penetrating insight into what makes its weird protagonist tick, too.  So if it's not the worst of both worlds, it remains very far from the best.

2002

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Jeff Nathanson (based on the book by Frank Abagnale, Jr., and Stan Redding

With Leonardo DiCaprio (Frank Abagnale, Jr.), Christopher Walken (Frank Abagnale, Sr.), Nathalie Baye (Paula Abagnale), Amy Adams (Brenda Strong), Martin Sheen (Roger Strong), and Tom Hanks (Special Agent Carl Hanratty)

Spoiler alert: more-or-less N/A; moderate, if you want to be a stickler

Steven Spielberg, part XXVI: If there's a flaw, it's human—it always is

MINORITY REPORT

Much smarter in some ways than others, Minority Report is just smart enough for you to avoid thinking about it too much while one pure image after another lands upon your eyes.  But, hey, if you do want to think about it—well, that's okay too!

2002

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Written by Scott Frank and John Cohen (based on the story by Philip K. Dick)

With Tom Cruise (Chief John Anderton), Samantha Morton (Agatha), Steve Harris (Officer Jad), Neal McDonough (Officer Fletcher), Patrick Kilpatrick (Officer Knott), Jessica Capshaw (Officer Evanna), Daniel London (Wally the Caretaker), Kathryn Morris (Lara Clarke), Colin Farrell (Danny Witwer), Lois Smith (Dr. Iris Hineman), Peter Stormare (Dr. Solomon Eddie), and Max von Sydow (Director Lamar Burgess)

Spoiler alert: high, and severe for the source material

Ron's heartworm medication, part I

HARRY POTTER AND THE ____________
Directed by Chris Columbus (1-2), Alfonso Cuaron (3), Mark Newell (4), and David Yates (5-8)
Written by Steve Klove (1-4, 6-8) and Michael Goldenburg (5) (based on the novels by J.K. Rowling)
With the population of Britain—Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione Granger), Rupert Grint (Ron Weasly), Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy), Richard Harris (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 1), Michael Gambon (Prof. Albus Dumbledore, vol. 2), Robbie Coltrane (Rubeus Hagrid), Alan Rickman (Prof. Severus Snape), Kenneth Branagh (Prof. Gilderoy Lockhart), Gary Oldman (Sirius Black), David Thewlis (Prof. Remus Lupin), Brendon Gleeson (Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody), Jim Broadbent (Prof. Horace Slughorn), Timothy Spall (Wormtail), Maggie Smith (Prof. Minerva MacGonacle), Imelda Staunton (Dolores Umbridge), Helena Bonham Carter (Bellatrix Lestrange), Warwick Davis (various), and Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort)

Spoiler alert: I'm trying to keep it at moderate—God alone knows whom for—but it will unavoidably slip into high in regards the later films

Putting the "list" in "miserablist"! (or, the films of David Fincher ranked, nos. 8-7)

For going on twenty years now—my how time flies—David Fincher has been our preeminent auteur of gross, depressing tales of murder and mayhem.  Almost uniquely, Fincher has mastered a high-wire balancing act in the thriller genre, crafting films that are formally pristine, morally bracing, thematically insidious, emotionally devastating, and—most important of all—highly entertaining.  Though chiefly noted for this selfsame prediliction toward the pleasantly unpleasant, Fincher has tried his hand at other things, too—one time it was good, one time it was the worst thing ever.  On this episode: just because Fincher's good at thrillers, doesn't mean he's always good at thrillers.

Spoiler alert: mild

Catching up with the (super) classics of horror, part II: Video nasty

THE RING

2002
Directed by Gore Verbinski
Written by Ehren Kruger (based on the novel by Koji Suzuki and the screenplay by Hiroshi Takahashi)
With Naomi Watts (Rachel), David Dorfman (Aidan), Martin Henderson (Noah), and Daveigh Chase (Samara)

We've all missed movies that we should've seen.  Here are three of mine, that might surprise you.

Spoiler alert: high

Dispassionately and exactingly ranking the films of Christopher Nolan by their utilitarian value, nos. 3-1

The Internet asks, "Is Christopher Nolan the greatest director alive?"  And the answer is, "No, of course he's not.  Are you high?"  But if the question were, instead, "Is Chris Nolan the most consistently excellent director working today?", there are nine films to consider, and the answer might be quite different.  (Okay, the point is, I marathoned his movies, and now you're just going to have to deal with it.)

Spoiler alert: well, I don't spoil Interstellar, anyway

The amazing web of the spectacular Spider-Man unlimited, part I: "Do what you need to with her, then broom her fast!"

In celebration of his fifth cinematic iteration, this series of reviews is devoted to the only arachnid I wouldn't scream at and kill with poison.  Here comes the Spider-Man! 

SPIDER-MAN

The classic holds up.

2002
Directed by Sam Raimi
Written by David Koepp
With Tobey Maguire (Peter Parker), Kirsten Dunst (Mary Jane Watson), James Franco (Harry Osborn), Rosemary Harris (May Parker), Cliff Robertson (Ben Parker), J.K Simmons (J. Jonah Jameson), and Willem Dafoe (Norman Osborn)

Spoiler alert: severe